Pointless rock junkie Pete Doherty is apparently the subject of a BBC embargo.

Not across the board, unfortunately – although, dear Lord, we can pray – but rather in the more sedate arena of children’s programming. Which is quite frankly a bit of a shame. Let’s face it – should anyone want to bring back virtual-gameshow Knightmare, we can’t think of a more terrifying obstacle than encountering the pasty-faced fool in ‘The Albion Room’.

“Answer my questions correctly, little boy,” the Doherty-gremlin would snarl, “or ye shall hear the chords (three at most) of one of my underdeveloped inconsequential half-songs.” Jesus – the poor little blighters would probably shit their livers out.

Alas, this isn’t to be. And you can scupper any thoughts of Petey-boy stumbling across the Funhouse set and ‘accidentally’ getting his head crushed to a bloody pulp by one of those big revolving door things, too.