What, dear reader, would you describe as a bargain?
Actually, scratch that. We don't need to know about that bumper packet of condoms you snapped up at the Boots Spring sale the other day. Let's rephrase the question – what would you describe as a musical bargain?
Picking up the new Arcade Fire CD for a fiver, perhaps? Shelling out 15 quid for some brand-new exclusive unreleased Radiohead tracks? The chance to mercilessly gun down 'the' Arctic Monkeys for the princely sum of £2.50 and a bag of chips?
All pretty good deal-breakers, we're sure you'll agree. And – we're sure you'll concur with this also – about a million times better than anything involving pasty-faced junkie and all-round waste of oxygen Pete Doherty.
Doherty has long been a hecklerspray firing-line favourite. This isn't because he's an easy target. Oh, alright… it's kind of because he's an easy target. But it's mainly because he's a talentless cultural tumour with all the validity and grace of a three-week old dead pigeon. And because he's a genuinely worthless sack of putrid excrement whose inevitable overdose should be met with celebratory street parties the nation over.
Reasons like that.
Anyway… where were we? Oh yeah – talking about 'bargains' and the like. Apparently Glastonbury organiser Emily Eavis reckons that she's hauled in a super-duper deal involving the wailing non-singer and his band of public school shithead hangers-on:
"I'm talking about a one-off appearance from Pete Doherty."
Oooohhh – do tell! hecklerspray hasn't been so excited since Shed Seven released a comeback single!
When talking to Doherty's agent regarding a Babyshambles appearance at the festival, Eavis recollects:
"We were in the taxi and I was talking to the agent; I agreed a fee of a £100 for a bit of a one-off appearance. That's not what Babyshambles are getting for their festival appearance; this is a Pete Doherty acoustic set."
For the love of Christ – she's not only booking Babyshambles but a solo Pete Doherty as well? Surely that's against the Geneva convention or something?
Unless we all get to throw bottles of piss at him. Then it should be a mandatory rites-of-passage ritual.
With us at the front.
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Boris says
Tickets for Glasto are about, what is it, about £150?
I’m glad I’m not going. Otherwise it could be my ticket that is paying for him.
I saw him play there in 2005 anyway. God it was awful. Like noise but with all the good bits stripped out.
David says
Sorry? The last bit there. Throwing bottles of piss at someone? After your long winded diatribe criticising a talented musician, alluding to his less than clean living etc you’ve decided to throw in this last comment. Bit of a contradiction. Maybe you could team up with this so-called degenerate.
kwikman says
You got em there David. EIther that or the D-man’s influence knows no bounds.
Mind you, from what I hear about Alanis Morrisette there’s nowt wrong with a splash of piss…
frank says
“Talented musician”. That’s a good one!
C J Davies says
‘Maybe you could team up with this so-called degenerate.’
I actually thought about that, David. Maybe I could hold the bottle while Pete pisses in it … providing, of course, that the multitude of junkie inflections in his urine wouldn’t melt through the plastic like something out of ‘Alien’, sizzling my hands to nothing more than a pair of fizzing stumps.
Probably be more fun than listening to his music, mind.
Boris says
David
Where was the criticism of a talented musician? You must have posted this on the wrong page. Besides, the entire article is written with a specific purpose of winding up dopey fools who are still labouring under the MAAAASSIVE delustion that P-Doh is somehow worth a second listen. And you, my friend, are like shooting apples in a barrel in that respect. Too easy. Fun to watch even.
Remember Bucks Fizz? Or at least, have you heard of them? Well, it is an almost cast iron certainty that their musical legacy is of higher import than P-Doh’s will ever be. And no, the mere fact that he occasionally mentions historical or literary figures in his lyrics does not make him a musical genius.
Angela says
If you had half the talent, charisma, style, intelligence and inspirational qualities that Pete Doherty pocesses then you wouldnt be here writing utter rubbish about things you obviously have no clue of. I detect a bit of jealousy… The venomous nonsense you so passionately spew is your opinion and you are entitled to that but please remember it is only your opinion.
johnner says
Since when did smack addicts equate to being talented musicians? We’re swamped with the filthy bastards in my area of Dublin,I don’t see any of the cunts displaying any charisma or style, and take it from me, theres nothing intelligent about sticking a fucking needle in your arm either. I wonder which stupid fucking trust fund skag head the NME will be proclaiming as the saviour of rock’n’roll next?
Hannah says
”If you had half the talent, charisma, style, intelligence and inspirational qualities that Pete Doherty pocesses then you wouldnt be here writing utter rubbish about things you obviously have no clue of. I detect a bit of jealousy… The venomous nonsense you so passionately spew is your opinion and you are entitled to that but please remember it is only your opinion.”
Angela—you were spot on. I could not have said this better myself.
Don’t you just hate the tabloid press? All they are, are a jealous bunch of idiotic fools who don’t actually acknowledge in their puny little brains of theirs that Pete Doherty the ‘Junkie scumbag’ actually has talent. And all these journalists take drugs themselves so they’re a bunch of hypocrites too. Oh yes, and another thing….WHAT THE HELL is C J Davies on about when he/she says he has ‘public school shithead hangers-on’ I’m sorry but that is the most ridiculous piece of CRAP I have ever come across. I’ve never had this good a laugh in ages. What has the school that people went to got to do with admiring Pete Doherty?
CJ Davies, you clearly have defected brain cells. Every day I come across crap like this and I laugh so hard I cry. I feel sorry for you so called journalists. You have nothing worthy to write about. Go and have your ‘Tabloid press meeting’ and ‘discuss’ the latest important issues will you, no wait, you can’t, can you?
Gilbert Wham says
“If you had half the talent, charisma, style, intelligence and inspirational qualities that Pete Doherty pocesses ” (sic)
I cannot Imagine such a human being. I cannot imagine such a species, come to think of it.
Julie says
What a load of crap! This article had me in fits of laughter! I actually feel sorry for the poor fella who wrote this, It’s a shame you were dropped on the head as a baby, and all you other Pete slaters.
Maybe if you go to the hospital it won’t be too late to get another brain fitted – i mean one that actually functions :)
How dare you call Pete talentless? You have no idea what talent is mate.
Please look at the dictionary and then maybe you’ll redefine talent.
talent definition – taken from http://www.yourdictionary.com
‘n.
1. A marked innate ability, as for artistic accomplishment. See Synonyms at ability.
2.
a. Natural endowment or ability of a superior quality.
b. A person or group of people having such ability: The company makes good use of its talent.’
I can fairly say Pete meets these requirements. But because of your lack of brain cells, fail to see that.
Have a nice life writing useless crap for tabloids…i doubt you’ll make it into the worthwhile papers, you know, the ones for intellegent people!
Matthew Laidlow says
Maybe we all need to take Cocaine, Heroin shag super models and maybe then our creative juices will flow even better!
If he’s going for £100, maybe we can hire him an office pinyachta and throw bottles of piss at him.
fug says
why are you just a bunch of cunts
fug says
i love doherty but why should i get worked up on his behalf about people like you having a go.
Mel says
All you people slate Doherty. Have you ever READ his lyrics before?
Why do the fans hang on to his every word, despite his troubled lifestyle?
Does anybody not remember The Libertines? Yes thats right… The Libertines, they captivated a generation of youths bored of talented manufactured rubbish of the likes of Robbie Williams and Jlo to name but a few.
And with what? With their genuine lyrics, their kindness of allowing fans in their FLAT to listen to some amazingly written songs . They brought back dirty punk rock and roll that had been missing for so long after Coldplay had hijacked the scene. Tabloids go on and on about ‘ Oh Doherty namedrops famous romantic poets in his songs… he thinks hes a genius because of this’, when really I cannot recall one lyric in which he does do that. Listen to Time For Heroes written by Doherty, if you read the words especially
There are fewer more distressing sights
than that of an Englishman in a Baseball Cap
We’ll all die in the class we were born
thats a class of our own my love. We’re in a class of our own my love.
You’ve gotta appreciate him. And there is so much more . He may be a junkie, but he was talented before he was one. And you know what? He still is to this day. I met Doherty in in Hackney and I would of never expected in a million years that he would take the time to sit on a bench and talk to me. I wasn’t even a fan at the time .
Mel says
Woops * no talent and manufactured* is what I meant before somebody creates a rawkus.
C J Davies says
‘Natural endowment or ability of a superior quality.’
Absolutely – in terms of permenantly wasted buffoons who spout shambling sixth-form poetry over ‘music’ that sounds like George Formby having a seizure, P-Doh is positively unrivalled. Oh – apart from that man who stands outside my local Woolworths, drinking cider at 8 in the morning and singing ‘Eye Of The Tiger’ through a mask of tears.
And give him three weeks, he’ll have probably fucked that stick insect Moss too.
Mel says
sixth-form poetry my backside.
Boris says
Gosh. What a jolly fuss this has caused, eh? Dear me. What fun too.
Look, I’ve mentioned this before, but what I really think is a good old guffaw is how people who have no idea, no inkling, no concept, not even the faintest trace element of knowledge about poetry suddenly become authorities on the subject once P-Doh’s lyrics are mentioned. Just because your older sister’s boyfriend says P-Doh is an important literary figure doesn’t make it so. I recognise at this moment that some fresher from the University of Scunthorpe will step forward and claim that as they are doing Poetry 101 they are an expert, but I can’t stop that and it’s self evident as to how ridiculous their claim is in any event.
Look, P-Doh’s not a bad lyricist. He’s even written a few good lyrics. But he’s not a foccin poet and he’s not a foccin genius, and he’s actually a foccin average musician who can’t sing and can’t tune a guitar. If you’ve got any doubts about this, go on to YouTube and search for that video of him singing Fu#k Forever on some hillside and try and watch it without wincing with embarrassment that even a minority of people rate this bloke as a musician.
Is he a cultural phenomenom then, an icon to the young and bohemian? He takes drugs, shags supermodels and is in a band. In terms of originality or “being groundbreaking”, this is a bit like being the 87,493rd person to climb Everest. He’s probably the most mainstream individual I can think of. Nowt wrong with that is there? Well, no. What is wrong is when every twat in a copycat black hat thinks that Doherty is somehow striking out in directions that will influence music or culture or writing in any significant way.
Now, whilst I’m here, can all you Doherty fans stop defending his drug use? This is not because his drug use is wrong. It’s because no-one really cares whether he fills himself up to the eyeballs with as much crack, or smack or baby food as he can fit into his leaky veins. Get into it, Pete, if that’s what turns you on. None of us give a flying. Just stop turning up at public events with Moss where there are more paparazzi per square metre than there are insurgents in Iraq and then pretending you wish you had a more low key existance. If it’s just about “the music, man”, then take your out of tune guitar, lock yourself in a bedroom with a week’s supply of brown and write all the fu’cking messily constructed tunes you want.
What I’m really looking forward to, however, is when he breaks up with Moss and ends up in the street. Gosh, that’ll be time for good old knees up don’t you think?
Thanks kids. Keep the faith.
Boris.
Jay says
He has his off moments with guitar and vocals, but thats usually because he is so out of his head . Even Mariah Carey has her off days.
Listen to Legs 11 demos- in fact read his poetry. People find one or 3 off key videos (in Petes case) and feel the need to declare he cannot sing. What the hell? If you’ve listened to his tunes, you would know he has quite a unique voice. And no I am not on about Down In Albion, but there are loads of his stuff unknown to most people that ARE GENIUS. I am 31 years old and I do not need somebody trying to undermine the current fans and preach at me to tell me what is good or what isn’t. The point is we’re in love with the feeling, we enjoy his music. He may not be Brian Mcknight in terms of singing talents, but thats not the point but he is certainly no average musician.
And so what if he turns up at events with Moss? They are a couple and they are entitled to do as they wish. Its the papanazi’s that follow them.
Hannah says
‘Thanks kids. Keep the faith.’
Oh, don’t worry, we will, and no one’s gonna stop us, not you, not CJ Davies, not anyone.
mel says
Theres a campaign of hate…
For what I am not aware
Must be what you wrote
What you write, you swore that you’d swear
For remember why you came
Not to play follow the leader, no no
Rings so true at this very moment .
jay says
There is actually no such thing as the right or wrong way to write Poetry. As long as it has evoked emotional or sensual responses, or has picked up on a matter that is culturally significant and written with such flair, then it has fufilled its purpose in trying to reach out to the hearts of its audience. Doherty does this in many of his lyrics. Certainly not written with the mind of a sixth former .
If you have it in you, to not want to understand… or appreciate what he has got to say, then you won’t. He is no way an important literary figure in terms of cultural significance for a mainstream audience, but this is mainly because not many people know about his lyrical abilities. People would rather hear ‘ When you first left me… I was wanting more, but you were f*cking that girl next door’, as opposed to say maybe
‘ It’s only blood from broken hearts that writes the words to every song.’ .
Which could of even been a line from Yeats tis’ that great.
‘It’s that mysterious thing called hype. I’ve looked under every rock, and I couldn’t find out what it means. Certain people hear a certain melody, and they’re attracted to it. I’m in love with that feeling. We’re looking for fun and adventure and a bit of redemption and somewhere to live. Everything else is a blind venture into the unknown.’ (Doherty)
I couldn’t of put it any better myself.
Kennie says
Pete’s a JUNKIIEEE
a says
so fuckry.
Boris says
“There is actually no such thing as the right or wrong way to write Poetry.”
This is true.
However, there are a hell of a lot of people who think Pete Doherty writes brilliant poetry because there was once an article in NME that suggested this is the case, and not because they have any inherent knowledge of poetry or capability to discern whether Doherty’s scribbles are any better or worse than Keats. But the Doherteratti are so blinkered, so facist minded in their defense of Doherty that nothing, not even the most reasoned criticism can be contemplated. Which wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t all so desparately into declaring themselves bohemians with all the associated connotations of tolerance, eccentricy and diversity of thought and opinion. Few of the Doherteratti even realise the irony that their “if you’re not with us you’re against us” view of their hero ressembles most closely the words spat out by George W. Bush, who they would all purport to despise. Before you all wail like orphaned puppies, I’m not a fan of George Bush, okay?
Let’s be clear about something. A musician’s importance is not attached to his or her popularity. The fact that Doherty sells relatively few records and Babyshambes will most probably fail to sell out their arena tour is in no way confirmative of his importance or cultural significance as an artist. What is manifestly ridiculous is declaring his myth now. I can’t remember which 20th century Chinese leader it was, but when asked about the importance of the French Revolution, he replised that it was too soon to tell.
It’s the same with Doherty. Back in his heyday, a lot of people thought Adam Ant was a signficant artist. Time will tell, not the pubescent yelps of his hopeful fans. Until then, most of you are just embarrassing yourself publicly. I’m not fussed whether Doherty turns out to be champion or journeyman punching bag. I really don’t care. In fact, if Doherty is as intelligent and sharp as you all claim he is, then I suspect he’d welcome a more open minded and progressive approach to discussion about his musical portfolio; the great irony here is that none of his fans seem capable of taking part in such a debate due to their closed minds pre-cast opinions.
More’s the pity.
BorisBoy.
jackthelad says
‘ I am so clever… but clever ain’t wise.’
jackthelad says
Many of his fans respect his creativity in lyrics. I am one of them.
So many people are quick to say oh ‘Pete’s overrated’, but they don’t actually point out the bits that made them reinforce that opinion in the first place.
I for one have not got the time of day to be dissecting Peter’s poetry or proses and lyrics if you want to do that, feel free .
‘Welcome is on the mat. But nobody is forcing you in. ‘
Adam Gade says
“And give him three weeks, he’ll have probably fucked that stick insect Moss too” You, C J Davies, are the most crude, vicious and puerile one of the bunch at hecklerspray…and I admire you greatly for it. I also am really pleased that Laidlow and you are now
directly responding to these yappy twits who think Petey is God. Don’t give them the satisfaction of the last laugh.
Boris says
GENERAL REMINDER:
Dear Doherteratti. Quoting Doherty’s lyrics at others does not give them biblical signficance. It just reminds me of when 7th Day Adventists turn up at my door quoting passages from the good book – inevitably they end up looking hurt and mildly confused when they realise that not everyone sees divine truth in each and ever word.
mandy says
Wow. Get over it? You just make yourselves look every bit as obsessed with Pete like the very fans you insult.
Boris says
Why would I want to get over it? Of course I’m obsessed with P-Doh. It’s huge fun baiting his minions and it can go on for days and days. They inevitably react when provoked and there’s no regulatory body interested in protecting them from cruelty which means there’s a good old fashioned free for all.
Tally ho!
johnner says
Good one Boris!
jeff hack says
He is a cunt he stole my “prime”bird.
Boris says
Actually, I just heard that Doherty might be teaming up with Borat. Apparently they spent all of Easter drinking together and Borat is going to be Doherty’s best man when Doherty marries Kate Moss in 2064, which is when Doherty is getting off drugs.
Pretty exciting stuff, eh? I reckon Borat and Doherty would match up just perfectly. Borat’s movie was great, and Doherty could do the soundtrack for Borat 2, the sequal.
I’m so excited I’m going to put on my “Steps Greatest Hits” CD.
Euclid says
What strikes me in the bulk of the above
is the strangely fundamentalist fervor
with which the Doh-people offer quotations,
placed like mangled birds upon an indifferent altar,
as testament to their devotion.
Kinda creepy, dontcha think?
How many of the devout (quoters)
can offer up a like citation from
a boyfriend/girlfriend/someone they actually know?
Ah, but can they? Or are they are surrounded
by people who never say anything interesting?
Or is it simply easier to (mis)place your
trust in an abstraction, a life that has nothing
to do with your own outside of the principality
of your own imagination?
And is anyone capable of eliciting an emotional response
in the heart of a stranger necessarily a genius?
What difference does that word make to what they do?
Is it somehow a validation of the emotional experience
to call them that?
Questions as ever and always abound.
Be kind to the devout, CJ & Boris,
for these meager crumbs of sentiment
and melodramatic ululations are
all that they would seem to have.
Pity that.
Boris says
“And is anyone capable of eliciting an emotional response
in the heart of a stranger necessarily a genius?”
Now, this is one of the more interesting questions you’ll see anywhere. To further that query, what do we make of the artist who elicits an emotional response in you but not in me? Can genius be subjective? If I loath Van Gough’s art, does that mean he is a terrible artist?
It reminds me of my fundamental issue with Pete Doherty, which actually has little to do with Pete Doherty himself. Pete Doherty makes the best music he can; I have no problem with that, and in fact, that simple ambition is admirable. Further, I have no issue with his drug habits. I’ve taken bucket loads of drugs in my time, and whilst it’s not my fancy any more, I think that drugs are a health issue and a private choice, not a cause for criminalisation or disapprobation.
What annoys me? Well, P-Doh fans annoy me. They remind me of an old Steve Martin stand up sketch. Martin stands before them and encourages them all to be individuals, to be themselves, true and distinct. Playing on their American enthusiasm, he cries out “Right, everyone repeat after me. I am an individual”. The crowd bays back “I am an individual”. Martin then yells, “I will do what I wanna do!” and gets them all to respond. Then he finishes with “I will not do what other people tell me to do” at which point the audience realises their sheep-like behaviour and bursts into blushing laughter.
They’d do themselves a lot of favours if they stopped defending their idol with comments like “He’s a genius, you know nothing, you dickhead”, which more often than not tends to be the height of intellectual engagement for them.