PETA, we’re disappointed. This Tiger Woods scandal has been rumbling on for close to four months now.

Every paper has written about it. Every comedian has made a joke about it. Every single person, community and organisation on the face of the planet has an opinion about it. It’s old news. It’s yesterday. It’s Betamax. And yet PETA has only just decided to barge into the fray with a Tiger Woods advert.

Admittedly, though, PETA’s Tiger Woods advert is genius. Because Tiger was named after an animal, and has sex with a lot of people, PETA has claimed that Tiger Woods should be neutered. Or that all Tigers should be neutered. Or that all animals should be neutered. Oh, we don’t know. We think we preferred the adverts where people just got naked.

Between crashing his car into a tree, obliterating his lucrative family man image with an endless parade of ratty-looking mistresses and engaging in an awkward hug with his mother at last week’s big apology press conference – incidentally, that’s the longest he’s ever had physical contact with a woman without trying to stuff it up her – Tiger Woods has had a pretty rubbish few months.

But that humiliation is nothing compared to what Tiger Woods is being put through at the hands of PETA. PETA has burnt Tiger Woods, alright. It’s burnt him good. How? By sort of implying that he should have his reproductive system mashed into sludge and then slung in a bin, that’s how. Kind of. Here’s the text from PETA’s Tiger Woods billboard:

Too much sex can be a bad thing … for little tigers too. Help keep cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay and neuter!

We’ve looked into this, and PETA’s actual point isn’t that Tiger Woods should be castrated (that would be inhumane) or that all tigers should be rendered infertile (that would be irresponsible). Instead it just wants all cats and dogs to have their genitals obliterated on the off-chance that their offspring will end up being euthanised.

PETA there. Or People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals, to use the organisation’s full name. Or People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals Except For Their Minges And Bollocks Which We Basically Want To Bludgeon Into A Useless Goo, as it presumably would have been called if only PETAEFTMABWWBWTBIAUG wasn’t such an impractically complicated acronym.

But that’s not the most offensive thing about this PETA advert. The most offensive thing is that it took PETA so long to come up with. If this was run before Christmas, it would have caught the zeitgeist and looked like a clever piece of social commentary. But now it’s old news – PETA may as well have just run an advert about Transformers 2 or Friends or the complicated new decimal system.

No, if PETA really wanted to hit home, it should have created an advertising campaign about the top news of the day. Having seen today’s news we’ve decided that PETA should have created an advertising campaign about… oh, about that killer whale that ate that woman. OK, bad idea. Sorry.

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