We sure are looking forward to this weekend’s Super Bowl between the Arizona Cardiacs and the Pittsburgh Flange-Magnets.

But one group that’s not excited about the Super Bowl is PETA. PETA is apparently frothing and spluttering because its Super Bowl advert – which pretty much features models diddling themselves with broccoli – has been banned for being too sexually explicit. Which is just about the most shameless marketing trick in the book.

Incidentally, hecklerspray’s Super Bowl advert has been banned, too. It features a homeless man having full non-consensual sex with goose while he kicks 100 burning orphans in the eye. We’re OUTRAGED!

It takes a lot to offend whoever approves the content of Super Bowl adverts – in recent years we’ve seen a homesexual kiss and, most gruesomely of all, Kevin Federline rapping – but, darn it, PETA seems to have pulled it off.

Not that PETA being offensive is a huge surprise or anything – wheeling out appallingly gruesome marketing stunts like dumping horseshit outside Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant or threatening to show everyone what Sadie Frost’s mangled tits look like or starting a dog-neutering campaign ironically fronted by a man whose face looks exactly like a massive testicle has been the group’s bread and butter for as long as we can remember.

But now PETA has become so offensive that its Super Bowl advert has been banned due to its sexually explicit nature. Why? Because there’s a woman licking a pumpkin and putting some asparagus quite near her vagina in it. Look…

So, a few things:

1 - A woman licking a pumpkin and then dropping an onion into a bath is hardly 2 Girls 1 Cup, is it?

2 - The message of the advert seems to be that vegetarians have better sex. Better sex than what, we don’t know. Better than a fencepost? Better than a pile of dust? It isn’t really made clear. However, we suspect that vegetarians only think they have better sex because if the bulk of your life was divided between staring at lentils and wondering which type of Quorn fillet will taste less like polystyrene, even the most grotty, underwhelming bunk-up is going to feel like a rocket trip to the moon.

3 - This entire story is obviously bollocks.

PETA clearly – clearly – wasn’t ever going to purchase advertising time at the Super Bowl, because a video of of a woman in a bra molesting some broccoli coupled with an outraged ‘Hey, this is TOO HOT FOR TV! We’ve STUCK IT TO THE MAN!’ message is obviously going to get the lonely spods of the internet talking much more than a few seconds on TV sandwiched between adverts for Budweiser.

Nevertheless, here’s PETA spokesman Michael McGraw with some sort of made-up red-faced bluster:

“It’s ridiculous that this commercial was banned from NBC. Sure, it’s sexy, sure it’s provocative… [But], the bottom line for this ad was that studies show that vegetarians have better sex. We got an email that was so sexually explicit it make PETA blush – which is hard to do – outlining several things that they’re insisting we remove from our TV spot.”

Which is all well and good, except for one small thing – the advert isn’t sexy in the slightest. We mean it. Here’s a challenge – try and masturbate to it. You can’t, can you? It’s impossible. But now imagine that all the models are covered in slabs of uncooked bacon. That’s much easier, right?

No? Just us?

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