Perez Hilton is right. Violence is not the answer. Endless blubbery internet videos are the answer.

No? They’re not the answer either? OK then, what about furious stroppy little lawsuits against people who manage rubbish bands? Are they the answer? They are? Hooray, because Perez Hilton has just sued the Black Eyed Peas road manager who apparently punched him this weekend.

Actually, we shouldn’t mock. This is a big step for Perez Hilton – he actually filed the lawsuit himself instead of going onto Twitter and asking everyone to do it for him. Well done Perez Hilton! You’ll be a real boy one day!

Everyone likes a bit of ‘he said/ she said’, don’t they? We certainly do, and this spat between Will.I.Am and Perez Hilton is classic ‘he said/ she said’. Well, maybe not classic – technically it’s ‘he said/ he said’, and if you want to be really pedantic it’s ‘he said/ he said/ he said/ he screamed/ he allegedly got his road manager to punch him/ he went on the internet and cried about it like a big fat girl for around half an hour’ – but you get the idea.

However, while the rest of the world struggles to decide whether to side with Will.I.Am or Perez Hilton because it can’t work out which one is the biggest spakwad (after all, both have stupid names, both are only liked by medically-certified idiots and the only way that either of them could be any more attention-seeking if they slotted fluorescent tubes down their pee-holes and used their genitals to ward cruise liners away from partially-submerged rocks at sea) Perez Hilton has taken the battle into his own hands.

Or the hands of his lawyers. What we’re trying to say is that Perez Hilton has decided to sue Will.I.Am’s manager for assault. Reuters reports:

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton on Wednesday sued the road manager of the Black Eyed Peas for allegedly punching him in the face outside a Toronto nightclub at the weekend. Hilton filed the lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Polo Molina, alleging battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He is seeking unspecified damages.

Now we’re no legal experts, but this seems like a remarkably short-sighted thing for Perez Hilton to do. Here’s why:

1 - If this goes to court, won’t Perez Hilton essentially have to claim that all the emotional distress has stopped him being able to draw rubbishly-looking willies on paparazzi photos with MS Paint with the flair and dexterity that his readers are used to? Wouldn’t that be the most ridiculous thing that anyone has ever said out loud in any court ever?

2 – Perez should be careful about throwing the term ‘emotional distress’ around so frivolously. Because, you know, we’ve watched that video of Perez Hilton crying and squealing all the way through now. Twice, in fact. So if we’re talking emotional distress, we’d imagine that we could be in for quite a substantial payout.

3 - Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up.

Mainly, the third point is the most important one.

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