Penelope Cruz Gets Engaged! Care About This, Please!
Good news – Penelope Cruz has got engaged to her Vicky Cristina Barcelona co-star. Bad news – it’s not Scarlett Johansson.
But we’ll let you imagine that for a moment anyway. Perverts. Anyway, it turns out that in actual fact Penelope Cruz has got engaged to Javier Bardem, even though two months ago she was busy telling magazines that she’d never get married.
But congratulations to Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem anyway. They’ve both got so much in common – they’re both Spanish, for starters, and they’ve both had sex with Scarlett Johansson in a movie. Christ, why can’t we leave that alone?
If, like us, you’ve long held the belief that hecklerspray doesn’t devote nearly enough space to discussing the private lives of unattainably beautiful Spanish celebrities who are somehow so curiously dull that your life wouldn’t be altered in the slightest if they one day just suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth, then this is your lucky day! Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem have got engaged! Whee!
Probably. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem have probably got engaged. In the same way that Javier Bardem has probably got Penelope Cruz pregnant but nobody’s really allowed to talk about that yet. The New York Daily News reports:
Take it from us, they are in fact engaged. Rumors that they might be betrothed have been floating around since April. Not true then. True now. “They’re telling friends they will get married,” says a pal, who heard the news directly from one of them. A wedding is bound to comfort Cruz’s Catholic parents, considering stubborn rumors that she’s pregnant.
Apparently Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem have been dating on and off since 1992, but nobody knew. This is because both Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are notoriously private about their personal lives and not because they’re both so gapingly boring that nobody has ever cared enough to check. That’s important.
But, hey, well done anyway – especially to you, Penelope. Javier Bardem is twice the man that your ex-boyfriend Tom Cruise will ever be. Literally twice the man. You could literally store two Tom Cruises inside Javier Bardem’s body and still have room for your shoe collection. That’s what we’re trying to say. Tom Cruise is quite small.
So, once again, congratulations to Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem. We’re so pleased for you that we’ll even pretend to be surprised when you decide to announce that you’re pregnant in a couple of months. And if you’re not pregnant, then you should bloody well hurry up and get pregnant. The world needs a baby spliced from the genes of Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem more that it needs anything else.
Just imagine how powerful that baby would be – Bardem could pass on his trademark brooding intensity, and as for Cruz? Well, everyone wants a baby who can appear in substandard Matthew McConaughey action vehicles, don’t they?
