The London Marathon has long been the noblest of sports events. There were thousands of people, all participating in one of mankind’s biggest endurance feats. They’d train for months to ensure they were in top condition for the day, and then, in the spirit of good sportsmanship and friendly competition, try their very best on the day.

And then someone said "I know. I’m going to do it dressed as a Smurf".

After that stunning piece of intelligent thought, the event became
less about the athletes, and more about the stupid costumes people wear
when they’re running. Ostriches, rhinos, amputees. It was getting out
of control. The real athletes needed to make their mark once more.

And this year, that’s exactly what they did. Sure, there were records broken, but that’s not what got people talking. Oh no.

This year our nation’s favourite rose – Paula Radcliffe – stopped
running to squat down and have a quick piss. And now she’s more famous
than ever. Even though there’s talk that she did a poo in her pants at
the Olympics. Poo beats piss, right? No, because confirmed pissing
beats speculated pooing. Remember that. It’s important.

Paula’s got the other competitors jealous with all this publicity.
Nell McAndrew‘s flat was burgled as she slept off her marathon run. But
people don’t care about that. Nell will have to try harder to get
headlines next year. Maybe by exploding in a blast of vomit and
dihorreah as she reaches the cutty sark.

Whatever she chooses to do, it’ll have to be something very special, though. Paula’s probably planning something disgusting.

[story by Stuart Heritage]