Paula Patton and Robin Thicke are done with their decades of humping of each other and are throwing in the towel on their marriage. While this isn’t the most shocking celebrity split I can think of (I still cry over Brad and Jenn. Screw you for judging), it is one that feels like it has the promise to be super interesting to watch unfold over time.
If you all thought Thicke was a grimy ass dude with an itchy dick before, just wait until he doesn’t have to worry about even pretending to be a decent husband ever anymore.
Robin Thicke and Paula Patton first laid eyes on each other’s crotches over 20 years ago, which is practically an eternity in celebrity years. Robin liked rubbing his mini vanilla wafer all over Patton enough that he kept her around as his arm pieces for many years. Eventually they got married in 2005, and had a baby in 2010.
Within the last couple of years, Thicke went from being the Dad from Growing Pain’s son who sings like a black dude, to the guy singing rape-y type songs and making Miley Cyrus look classy. So of course, with the fame came more groupie hoes and tricks who wanted a piece of his growing pain (get it? Puns are my friend). On multiple occasions, Thicke was seen with his hand playing “Hey Diddle Diddle” on the private zones of women that were not his wife.
Of course, people were outraged. How could a guy who knows, just knows you want it, be such a douchebag? But the fact of the matter was, the couple didn’t really hide the fact that they had an open marriage, and fucking people outside of their legal union was acceptable. Now, no one ever saw Paula on her knees with the hot pool boy, so it left many to worry just how “open” this marriage really was, or was it just a way for Robin to excuse his wandering eye?
Welp, guess Patton was wondering the same shit, because they have decided to put a “cancelled” sign on the door of their marriage. They released one of those stereotypical “WE’RE STILL BFFS4E!” joint statements that you know is bullshit.
“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time.”
Ugh, now Thicke just has total free will to just be the completely vomit inducing guy we’ve already gotten a sneak peek at. I give it a month’s time before he and Cyrus decide to up the ante on their VMA performance, pull a Shia LaBeouf, and basically just have sex on film set to the some crappy ass falsetto tune they created together after a night of Molly and Purple Haze.
All in all, bad move Thicke. In a few years, you will be as relevant as Vanilla Ice, as sexy as your dad in his calf length white socks with sandals, and as cool as Kirk Cameron with his unintentionally gay themed $5 foot long birthday party hosted by Subway. And Paula will still be hot as shit with a career people still care about.