There’s a very good chance that Paula Abdul has achieved more than you – she’s a judge on America’s top-rated TV show, she’s duetted with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat – but Paula Abdul has never ever been drunk in her whole entire life.

“What?” you’re saying, “Paula Abdul has never been drunk? But if that’s the case, why is she such a barking mad slurry weirdo nutjob most of the time on American Idol? Those aren’t the actions of a sober woman.” And normally we’d completely agree – but the Paula Abdul drunk stories are just one of ‘100 million lies’ that Paula Abdul says she has to put up with on a daily basis. We’re not sure what the other 999,999,999 lies are, but we’re pretty sure one of them has something to do with Simon Cowell, a strap-on penis and all of Il Divo chanting “touch the brown hole” in an annoying faux-operatic way while wearing Eyes Wide Shut-style face-masks.