When Hecklerspray gets called into various places to accept awards and whatnot, we routinely do four things.

The first is we always have a sword pointed at the innards of whoever hands us our trophy. That’s just to ensure an enthusiastic and positive over-the-top speech, which works well over half the time. If you Youtube ‘Hecklerspray, Billy Crystal, Kidney Sack Spill’ ‘you’ll see exactly what we’re talking about there.

Other major celebrities have a similar routine of only attending certain award ceremonies. Paula Abdul, for instance, only attends them when the presenter is Sacha Baron Cohen with cameras rolling.

Usually when Paula Abdul takes an award it’s off of a mantle place during a famous friend’s Christmas party. That doesn’t matter though – because she still takes it graciously and offers a slurred speech about how she couldn’t have done it without MC Skat Cat and/or the restless ghosts of all her dead fans.

You can imagine then how eager she was to accept an award that actually had her name plate screwed onto the base. Allegedly it was for being ‘Artist of the Year’ in Germany. Nominees she’d probably beaten out were David Hasselhoff, Michael Knight, and the grandson of the guy who used to trim Heinrich Himmler‘s moustache.

To accept the award Abdul was told she had to show up at some vacant house in Hollywood. We’re told Paula Interviewed well. She maintained good poise, she used sentences fused together with a good noun to adverb ratio, and perhaps most importantly her butt didn’t fart on the backs of the Mexicans she was literally sitting on. She describes the whole set up like this:

“It is the most interesting, wacked-out situation that happened to me. I was scarred for my life for a year. I walk into the home, and I’m greeted by this futuristic Captain Nemo-looking dude with a Mohawk — and he’s flaming. And I’m going, ‘Oh, this is going to be one of those fun Japanese game shows.’ I’m like, ‘OK, this is weird.’ [Bruno] says, ‘Sorry, there’s no furniture.’ And he snaps his fingers and says, ‘Gardeners!’ And these two Mexican guys come in, and they drop down to all fours, and he says [to me], ‘Sit down.’ And I said, ‘I’m not doing that.’ “

“It was getting so uncomfortable, and I’m throwing daggers with my eyes at my publicist. I said, ‘No, I won’t be doing that. I have to go to work. … And by the way, where’s my award?’ And I’m trying to hold a smile on my face. It was hysterical, but it was so disturbing.’”

Now take that scene and throw it together with the one where Bruno paid the cage fighters to start making out in front of a bunch of low-brow red necks and you’ve got yourself a fairly decent movie.

Not as good as anything Lucas would make, mind you, but decent.

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