Paul McCartney’s Got A New Way To Kick The Beatles In The Nuts

With The Beatles Anthology, Let It Be Naked and that horrible Cirque Du Soleil thing, Beatles fans have never been left wanting.

But now Paul McCartney has dreamt up a brand new way to make even the most ardent Beatles fan drop to their knees and scream “Stop it! Stop punching it! It’s already dead!” at him – he’s going to release the never-before-heard, experimental 14-minute Beatles track Carnival Of Light.

Carnival Of Light is, of course, probably most famous for being just about the only Beatles track to not be included on The Beatles Anthology because George Harrison and Ringo Starr thought it was rubbish. And look at some of the stuff Ringo Starr has released – he’s essentially saying that Carnival Of Light is even worse than Snookeroo.

The Beatles all had their own individual ways of making people dislike them. John Lennon had Yoko Ono, Ringo Starr had his obnoxious refusal to sign autographs and George Harrison had Got My Mind Set On You. But Paul McCartney has really put the effort in, turning people off by going over and above in his efforts to rape the carcass of The Beatles harder than anyone else thought possible.

We thought that Paul McCartney had already reached the bottom of the barrel – what with Rock Band: The Beatles, the horrible Love mash-up album and Let It Be Naked, a nightmarish ‘What The Beatles Would Be Like If Paul McCartney Had His Way’ vision to which the only logical conclusion is a Paul McCartney’s Greatest Hits Of The Beatles album that contains Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 13 times in a row and a version of Love Me Do without any mouth organ on it – but we were wrong.

And that’s because Paul McCartney has decided to release Carnival Of Light – an experimental Beatles track from 1967 that goes on for 14 minutes and is presumably unreleased because it’s a pile of unlistenable self-indulgent twaddle. But anyway, The Observer reports:

The track, a jumble of shrieks and psychedelic effects, is said to be as far from the melodic ballads that made Sir Paul McCartney famous as it is possible to imagine. But now McCartney has said that the public will have the chance to judge for themselves. ‘It does exist,’ McCartney says. The former Beatle confirms that he still has a master tape of the work and says he suspects that ‘the time has come for it to get its moment’.

We’ve decoded that last sentence in the hecklerspray labs, and we’ve figured out that it actually means “Heather Mills took so much of my money that I’m prepared to release anything, even a drug-blattered tuneless dirge from 41 years ago that lasts for half an episode of EastEnders, so long as I can get some of my beautiful, beautiful money back.”

But who knows how Carnival Of Light will be released. Will it be included on a new album of Beatles rarities? Will it be released as a standalone download? Or will it be renamed See John Lennon? See? I Came Up With This A Year Before Revolution 9 And You Still Get Called The Arty One! I’m The Arty Beatle! This Is So Arty That Nobody Will Ever Listen To It All The Way Through More Than Once. So Shove That Up Your Arse You Dead Idiot? Nobody can really say for sure.

But it’ll definitely be the last one.


  1. Shadowguitar says

    I’m actually looking forward to hearing this, mostly out of curiosity. Also, the Cirque de Soleil thing is MUCH better when you see the show in Vegas. Just hearing the CD is useless if you haven’t seen the show.

  2. Ian Richardson says

    That’s a real music critic you’ve got there, hecklerspray . . . Stuart Heritage?

    Enough said. What a mental midget.

    -Ian Richardson
    Tulsa, OK

  3. gir says

    Thanks “Ian Richardson,” if that is your real name. I guess we’re also supposed to believe you live in a place called “Tulsa”? Ha, don’t make us laugh, “Ian”.

  4. John says

    I thought the Cirque de Soleil ‘Love’ thing was pretty good actually. Besides which, it was George Harrison’s idea so if you didn’t like it, don’t blame McCartney.

  5. Jeremy says

    John chose Paul to be his partner in 1957 or 1958.I think that entitles him to do what ever he f-en wants.If you`re going to blame paul for everything you might as well blame him for keeping the band together after Brian Epstein died cause without Paul we wouldnt have Magical Mystery Tour the White Album Yellow submarine Let it Be or Abbey Road to listen to. It was no secret that Lennon and harrison would`ve quit if paul didnt push to keep the band together for all those records..Like the guy said above Harrison was behind Cirque de Soleil..

  6. Keith Moore says

    You should be delighted they did Yellow Submarine .. I loved that movie and now my kids love it . Paul`s only being attacked because he`s alive . Now if he was dead he will be a bigger legend than lennon and harrison and praised for all he has done and accomplished ,But since he is alive and still going strong some of you nobodys think you`re cool and hip to knock him . Pauls will go down as the biggest Beatle.

  7. Michele says

    Albeit, Paul McCartney has made his fair share of mistakes when it comes to his solo career, but this article was obviously written by someone who doesn’t know much about The Beatles. Let It Be …Naked was the way the album was supposed to be released before Phil Spector and his

  8. Kat says

    You said: “We thought that Paul McCartney had already reached the bottom of the barrel – what with Rock Band: The Beatles, the horrible Love mash-up album and Let It Be Naked, a nightmarish