As a vegetarian, Paul McCartney lives his life by two simple rules. One is ‘never eat anything with a face’.
The other is ‘never sign anything with an arse’. There have been subsequent rules made up over the course of the last few years – ‘never dress your age’ and ‘never marry anything that can’t do the Can-Can without the aid of artificial limbs’ are perhaps the most obvious two – but the face/arse rules are the ones that really stand up.
And that spells bad news for the audience member at a recent concert who unsuccessfully tried to get Paul McCartney to sign their bottom. He doesn’t sign bottoms, you see. And, to add insult to injury, the fact that they also had a face precluded Paul McCartney from eating them in a nightmarish cannibalistic orgy. Some people just don’t have any luck.
If you go to a Paul McCartney concert these days, you pretty much know what to expect – he’ll play Something on the ukulele, he’ll skip over most songs that Wings ever recorded, he’ll play three songs from his most recent album, he’ll end the show with a patience-stretching half-hour singalong version of Hey Jude that’ll make everyone present forget why they ever liked the poxy thing in the first place, and he’ll look more and more like your nan.
And he won’t sign anyone’s bottom.
That’s right, following Ringo Starr‘s decision not to ever write his name on anything ever again because he’s a fusty old twit, Paul McCartney has decided not to sign anybody’s arse. He knows all the scams – first you sign one arse, then everyone wants their arse signed, then hundreds of arses covered in Paul McCartney signatures start appearing on eBay. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again and that’s why, during the Hard Rock Calling festival at the weekend, McCartney set out his position from the stage. Digital Spy reports:
The suggestion was written on a sign held up by an audience member. “We got one here that says, ‘Sign my butt and I’ll get it tattooed’,” McCartney said from the stage. He added: “The answer to that is no.”
Whoever held that sign up is an idiot. After all, everyone knows that the best way to get Paul McCartney to sign your arse is to hire Yoko Ono to tell everyone that John Lennon invented the act of signing arses, because then Paul McCartney will sign everybody’s arse and claim that he actually taught John how to do it so he’s the cool one IDST.
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