Alright everybody, heads up. Everyone’s least favourite Beatle has an announcement to make – one that makes him seem almost responsible and, simultaneously like a lame-rebel pensioner. Ready?
Paul McCartney will not be taking any more drugs anymore.
This will no doubt hurtle straight into, say, number 7 or so on the?‘Other Seriously Important Things That Don’t Happen Any More List.‘ ?that we all live by day after day. And if you’re wondering what the rest of the list is and Macca’s reasons why he’s knocking blow on the head, read on.
That aforementioned conclusive list that looks a little bit like this if you were wondering:
- R Kelly will not be going ahead breaking it off wit’ a little preview to the remix any more.
- Now that she has her own reality programme, Amy Childs will no longer think of her hair as an?allegory?for the ‘strings of the cruel media industry puppet’ any more.
- Mark Darcy no longer loving Bridget Jones at around the 1 hour 10 mark in Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason anymore.
- Frankie Cocozza not being allowed to be on the television of 2012 any more. (*Wakes up* Oh. Sorry we must have got our wires crossed, he’s doing a reality show with Kirk from TOWIE.)
- We are not allowed to go to the pub and talk about what we would put upwards in Beyonce’s nether regions after half a lager and lime because the metaphorical placenta of her first born child will always block our hypothetical paths… any more.
- Mark Speight from SmART is not going to be needing his annual rail saver ticket any more.
- Paul McCartney will not be taking any drugs anymore! (IT MADE IT!)
- R Kelly will not be asking anyone to give him some of that ‘toot toot’ any more.
- R Kelly will also not be asking anyone to give him that ‘beep beep’, whilst an undetermined female runs her hands through his fro, bouncing on 24s. Any more.
- Chris Brown will not be unfairly punished for playfully shoving over that game of Jenga he once played with Rihanna that got slightly misconstrued in the press for something else ANY MORE.
So yeah, in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, (via the small pocket of air that had not yet closed up inside Paul McCartney’s mouth at that desperate point in 2007 when he said “Yes, that’ll be fine” to take part in the following music video) he revealed to the world that enough was enough, no more bloody mari-bloody-juana now that the kids can pronounce the word better than their own father at any rate.
“?I smoked my share. When you're bringing up a youngster, your sense of responsibility does kick in, if you're lucky, at some point. Enough’s enough.”
Yeah, true dat. Enough is enough. No more BLADDY DRAGS. It is no longer the 60s. The Beatles gave it a quick whirl, but ultimately lost out to Alexandra Burke on X Factor 2008 in the end, so fair’s fair. It’s 2012 now. Let’s move along to pastures new, and think of all those poor burdened?Inuits!
Oh god, sorry – we meant ‘London Olympics’ just then. Sorry. God, that was weird, wasn’t it?
Cookie Monster says
He won’t be snorting Viagra off of a stripper’s ass, then? Interesting…
Will says
Does this imply that he will also stop recording albums??? Due to the increased personal clarity, i mean.
Will says
Why is Sir Paul McCartney raising a “youngster” anyway? Did his grandson and granddaughter-in-law die in a plane crash and leave their children to him?
Sue says
Now I realized why this site has no comments. It’s not funny. At all. This is pretty much the lamest attempt at finding the funny in Macca’s pot history that I’ve read.
lilcricket says
Hey Will? Sir Paul was writing song and recording Platinum Albums when most of the people reading this page were still loading their diapers. Paul is something that is a very rare find nowadays…a Genuine Talent. I don’t know where Sophie Hall gets the idea that Sir Paul is everyone’s least favorite Beatle. I can still remember being driven half deaf by an arena full of crazed female all screaming; “Paul! Paul!” at the top of their lungs. When I went to the theater to see “A Hard Day’s Night”, later, “Help!”, I was once again surrounded by the same screaming fanatics…”Paul! Paul!” I was screaming, “John! John!” at the same time I doubt if anyone could hear me. Paul was indeed the most popular member of the band, followed by John, then Ringo, then George. So, don’t knock it until you’ve been there!
lilcricket says
Perhaps, Sir Paul and his wife have decided to adopt? Or maybe, he’s looking after the Grand kids.
lilcricket says
That has to be the most ignorant, crude, and disgusting remark I’ve ever read! Just because a guy’s over 60, DOESN’T mean he needs Viagra. My Dad was still going at it when he was 84! 84! He had never even heard of Viagra. My husband will be knocking on 60’s door this August, but he sure as sugar doesn’t need Viagra, or anything else. He’s ready to go 24/7/365. And he needs very little encouragement or suggestion. Personally, I don’t think that Sir Paul would LOWER HIMSELF to visit a strip joint. But, I’m willing to bet that YOU not only partake of Viagra, because you can’t manage to raise the old lightning rod, AND you lurk around strip joints, looking for the right arse from which to snort the Viagra! My Mom always said, that it’s the guy with the guiltiest conscience who yells the loudest…to divert your attention, somewhere else. My Mom was almost always 100% right on the money.
Cookie Monster says
Oh, Lilcricket, let’s start here…
First, and I am being honest-horrified; it is great that you have celebrated the status an 84 year-old man, though that it is your father is surely special to you, and so I shall not denigrate it (be sure to give us updates). And your husband is a late-fifties something. We are all glad to hear, and I’m sure that I speak beside the silent majority as I say that your husband still sparkles at sunrise, but only on account of the wicked pee.
You lost me at the bit about your mom. Given the ages presented, and all, you are forgiven.
And, uhm, well, the rest of the comment was a bit lousy; like one were being harangued by one’s defensive mom. A bit disappointing, so far as raving responses on Hecklerscrinch go.
Add some more bile, some more spit, a bit more of the champing spray!
Cookie Monster says
That is very cool. There are certain things that are within each generation; not before, and not after. Then there are the things that generations should share. Paul and Ringo aren’t The Beatles, but what they were a part of The Beatles should be recognized and appreciated. I was raised on Janis Joplin, Zep, Eagles, Beatles, on and on; but it was to see me expand what I like, not contract.
Paul still snorts Viagra off of groupie’s bums!