But wait! Paul McCartney isn't going down without a fight. Although his personal life has stopped being exciting and his best professional work is light years behind him, Paul McCartney still has one constant to endlessly bang on about.
His vegetarianism. Which is why it's no surprise that Paul McCartney has just done a PETA advert explaining why he doesn't eat meat. At least it's not one of those adverts where he poses naked to protest animal cruelty, though – one glimpse of Paul McCartney's saggy buttocks and we'd have torn through a zoo popping everything in the face with the back of a shovel just to quell the nausea.
Paul McCartney famously once explained his vegetarianism by claiming that he doesn't eat anything with a face, which explains a) why, after his performance at this year's Brits, Paul McCartney was caught cramming handfuls of dirty earthworms into his mouth and nobody batted an eyelid and, b) when Paul McCartney is in Marks & Spencer and sees one of those birthday cakes with a cartoon lion's head iced on the top, he smashes it up with his fist and then rolls around the floor gurgling and farting like a colic-stricken toddler.
It's true. You don't need to check it, but it is true.
Anyway, the vegetables have always been there for Paul McCartney. He was a vegetarian when he made decent albums, he was a vegetarian when he made rubbish albums that mainly get used as coffee coasters. He was a vegetarian when he had a long-term wife he loved very much, he was a vegetarian when he had a shit wife who he might have stabbed in the arm with a wineglass a few times. And now he's revealed why.
Following in the footsteps of washed-up actress Sadie Frost and washed-up actress Alicia Silverstone, Paul McCartney has become the subject of a new PETA advert, where he explains what made him become a vegetarian in the first place. Turns out it was all the fault of a stupid fish. The Press Association reports:
The ex-Beatle, 65, poses next to the words "I Am Paul McCartney, And I Am A Vegetarian" in an advert for animal rights group Peta. He is quoted as saying: "Many years ago, I was fishing, and as I was reeling in the poor fish, I realised, 'I am killing him – all for the passing pleasure it brings me'. Something inside me clicked. I realised as I watched him fight for breath that his life was as important to him as mine is to me."
It sounds like a heartwarming epiphany – young Sir Paul's sudden realisation sending him into a deep spiritual reverie about humanity's cruel slave/master relationship with the animal kingdom, as the fish he caught flip-flaps to death on the ground ignored, as if to say "Throw me back in the fucking water you stupid hippy bastard." Heartwarming indeed.
The PETA advert also reveals Paul McCartney's belief that there would be no more famine if everyone turned vegetarian. And he might have a point – there'd be more cereals to go around if the majority of it didn't become cattle feed – but the ensuing global vegetarian halitosis would probably smash the ozone layer to shreds in about 15 seconds. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.