Old men! Are you both widowed and divorced and looking to attract women young enough to be your great niece? Then why not invest in a mandolin, because it seems to have bloody done Paul McCartney the world of good*.
Just a couple of weeks after Paul McCartney was seen smooching around with a New York millionairess – and a couple of months of Paul McCartney was seen getting close to Renee Zellweger – Paul McCartney is now thought to be dating star of no good films for a decade Rosanna Arquette, and the pair of them were recently seen hugging and gazing into each other's eyes in London. There's not much point dwelling on any of it, however, because at this rate Paul McCartney will have ditched Rosanna Arquette by the middle of next week, by which time he'll already be knee-deep in the female cast of One Tree Hill.
*You probably need to have been one of The Beatles too, now we think about it. Still, hope for Ringo.
Ladies! Are you single? Tenuously very slightly well-known? Young enough to be Paul McCartney's daughter? Then run! Run to the supermarket! Buy up as many tins of baked beans and tinned peaches as you can and bolt yourself into your cellar for foreseeable future, because it'll only be a matter of time before Paul McCartney comes banging on your door like some kind of mop-topped zombie hopped up on Viagra.
Because – as you may already have read in yesterday's Celebrity Haiku Competition – Paul McCartney is currently doing a very good impression of a man dating Rosanna Arquette; star of Crash, about 10 seconds of Pulp Fiction and a film called Poison that we once saw on a rubbish movie channel in another country. Apparently Paul McCartney shipped Rosanna Arquette over to London to visit his house for a couple of hours and walk around the gardens of Kenwood House. And hug. And kiss.
The News Of The World, which broke the news of Paul McCartney's date with Rosanna Arquette, was lucky enough to find a bunch of eager onlookers who came out with all kinds of over-excited lines like:
"It was all cloak-and-dagger stuff, but Paul couldn't resist a quick cuddle. Rosanna was beaming after that."
"They acted like teenagers on a first date. The body language said it all—they were almost joined at the hip."
"Paul looked very flirty. They had a couple of cuddles and a kiss. The sparks were there for everyone to see."
However, let's not forget that just a few weeks ago Paul McCartney was doing the same thing with Nancy Shevell, the New York millionairess with a name that sounds a little bit like the French for Nancy Horse. And prior to that Renee Zellweger was thought to be on the receiving end of Paul McCartney's affections.
Of course, after everything that Paul McCartney has been through, you can't blame his new 'try before you buy' dating policy. The last thing he wants to do is to rush into marriage, realise his wife once made an educational German sex manual, divorce her and then put up with her screeching the word "paedophile" like a spooky toy horse on breakfast television until kingdom come. That's probably the absolute worst case scenario.
So, will Paul McCartney and Rosanna Arquette last forever? No, of course not. Paul McCartney is young, free and single – except that he's really old and technically still married – and he's got all the women in the world to plough through. And he's in a bit of a hurry – he wants to be home for Countdown because that's when the Meals On Wheels lady comes round.