Circle March 17 on your calender – that's when outcome of the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce will be revealed, and who doesn't enjoy circling dates when bitter divorces between two essentially unlikeable people stumble to a close?
But that's not all, because the judge has decided that the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so important that he might as well make the whole shebang public afterwards, too.
That could mean that we could get to find out the exact nature of those wife-beating claims that Heather Mills made about Paul McCartney, and who doesn't enjoy hearing harrowing claims about granny-faced old men brutally stabbing annoying amputees? Huh?
Even though you probably think that it's just an alarmingly bitter squabble between two stubborn idiots who stopped being interesting the day they either quit The Beatles or stopped posing naked for bad-haired 1980s soft porn sex guides, the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce is so much more than that.
You see, now that the judge presiding over the divorce has taken things into his own hands, there's a very strong chance that Heather Mills could be the recipient of the biggest divorce settlement in British history. And if that's the case, then the judge might have to make details of the divorce public, thanks to the important legal precedent that it'll set for future divorces between wealthy prune-faced pensioners and their shrewish one-legged former porn star wives. The Telegraph reports:
A spokesman for the Judicial Communications Office said: "The Judge will hand down his judgement in private on March 17. He will then decide, having heard submissions from the parties, whether or not to make the judgement public in whole or in part. The submissions from both parties will be heard in private. "It is not unknown in high profile cases, or where the judges think the case has legal significance, for some or all of the settlement to be made public."
So it's not set in stone that the divorce details will be made public yet, and we can expect that both Heather Mills and Paul McCartney will fight tooth and nail to keep the judgement private – especially McCartney, since all the settlement offers he's allegedly offered Heather Mills have come with the stipulation that she shuts the hell up forever.
As for Heather Mills, she's probably less worried about the divorce details going public because it'll allow her to do a big television interview about Paul McCartney's alleged wifebeating, then a series of high-profile newspaper interviews about it, then write a book about it, then serialise the book, then turn the book into a film then roll out her much anticipated 'Paul McCartney Went Stabby Stabby On My Arm' range of stationery and plastic lunchboxes. We get the feeling she'd probably quite like that.
However, it might not matter that the judge plans to take the divorce details public, because if either Paul McCartney or Heather Mills chooses to disagree with the settlement they can take the divorce to the court of appeals and then the House Of Lords, which would make the details public anyway.
You're probably thinking that neither Paul McCartney or Heather Mills would have the emotional capacity to drag out this already-interminable divorce through another round of petty squabbling and media scrutiny. But then again, this is a world where Heather Mills is considered sexy. Nothing surprises us any more.
Read more:
Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills divorce details to be published – Telegraph
'Orrible 'Arry says
McCartney is so washed up any disclosures of him really being a boozing drug taking thug could only help his wimpy rock’n’roll image.
Vicki says
I like your story, but hate how you end it with the sexist comment:
“But then again, this is a world where Heather Mills is considered sexy”. What has this got to do with anything? It always comes down to personal looks with men. You are truly disgraceful for these types of comments.
gir says
Tell you what Vicki, I’ll start listening to what you have to say when you post a few pictures of your tits.