Never let it be said that hecklerspray doesn’t bring you the really important, hard-hitting news. While every Tom, Dick and Harry tries their hand at overthrowing their government, Britain decides to close down libraries filled with the opportunity for self-improvement and betterment, the world stood still when the news broke of Paris Hilton’s birthday cake going missing.
We’re currently setting up a helpline for those of you who are going to be hit hard by this news (by which we mean ‘everyone on planet Earth’), but before that, you need to know what happened.
Paris Hilton celebrated her 30th birthday (three years ’til she hits the same age Jesus died at when he saved humankind from sin, much like Paris is trying to do by getting all the sins in she can so we don’t have to) and her cake went walkies.
Initially, it was thought that Hilton’s cake walked out of the party by itself, growing legs and wandering out into the street to feed the masses, but it would appear that The Second Coming’s baked treat was stolen.
Probably stolen by a non-believer, trying to discredit the good work done by the planet’s Christian brother and sisterhood.
And our Pontius Pilate, trying to bring down our Lord God Paris Hilton, stole her birthday cake and thought the whole thing was really hilarious.
The bastard.
Paz, a notorious party crasher and DJ (thereby, complete and utter toolbag) sneaked into Paris’ party at a Hollywood nightclub and then brazenly made-off with the cake.
This wasn’t any old cake. This was a cake fit for a deity.
Devotees (presumably) had fashioned this cake to the tune of $3,200. It was super special too, because it had absinthe? turned into the cake-mix. Absinthe, of course, is the new ‘ambrosia’.
And while the entire universe spirals out of control, this penis called Paz doesn’t think anything of it. In fact, he thinks our inevitable suffering is rather funny.
This turnip brained sin-factory wrote about the whole thing on his Facebook page. Thanks Paz. We’ll leave nasty comments on your wall when it starts raining wormwood and scalding semen from the sky early next week.
The good news is, that our Second Coming celebutante managed to have a nice birthday party all the same and delighted guests at her Moulin Rouge themed party by delivering hour-long seminars on the essence of mankind and advised revellers on how seek-enlightenment through prayer and a humble existence.
We can only hope that this is a blip and Paris Hilton won’t see this as an affront to the Gods, turning into a Mothra style monster, ready to kick us all into the sea for our disobedience.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
John McNally says
Surely the headline writers have missed a trick here. Paris and “let them eat cake” go together nicely.
Pity I couldn’t attend the party, I’m sure Paris Hilton is a great example for living a non-materialist humble life.
John
Leamington Spa, England
Eugene says
What can you say when a blogger that named himself after a then-popular celebutard is now better known than the original?