“Mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbb  quyuair fijdfff fffffblkurrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhh.”

If you’ve never been lucky enough to hear anything from Paris Hilton’s self-titled debut album, we’ve basically summed up how it sounds above.

Senseless screams that not even studio engineering could cover up were released by the heiress who wrongly thought we’d all go “omg that is so like awesomely mega kewl!” when we heard it. With disastrous sales you’d think the message would be clear and our wonk-eyed American friend would stop making music. Sadly not it seems – Paris Hilton has is apparently planning to annoy us again, this time with an album inspired by Kylie Minogue.

The people at the job office must really bang their heads against the walls when they see Paris Hilton coming. Let’s face it, she hasn’t got the most impressive CV in the world, despite dipping her feet into all sorts of professions.

The perverted can see Paris Hilton stark bollock naked in the poorly-punned porno One Night In Paris. OK, so adult entertainment wasn’t going to be a career for our hotel heiress. So what about real acting where you have to remember lines of a film script and act accordingly? Following her performance in the 2005 flick House Of Wax, Paris did receive an award. Sadly it was for being the worst actress of that year.

So back to the small screen – reality shows are as good as Paris can go to try and look like a normal person. Using The Simple Life, Paris Hilton ultimately proved that tasks like boiling a kettle or using a knife and fork are actually quite complex procedures. At the moment, Paris is introducing us to a whole new generation of vain, eccentric, weird and general twats to the world via her new show Paris Hilton Is My New BFF.

Bun then there’s music. In 2006, the world shed a few tears as Paris released an album full of painful songs. The sort of pain you get when you accidentally splash vinegar into a cut or step on glass. Despite a PR blitz, the album spectacularly bombed. All that could be salvaged from the wreck was the video for Stars Are Blind where Paris could be seen rolling around in a bikini. However, it looked more like she was picking fish out of her arsecrack, as her supposed erotic video was as convincing as her porno.

Speaking like a five-year-old who managed to stay in the lines for the first time, Paris proudly said about the upcoming album:

“I wrote all the songs. It’s very dance like Kylie Minogue”.

But before you can get a cheap laugh, the album may not surface for a while as no-one has officially signed Paris to their label. Oh no, we’ll never hear songs like I Have More Money Than You, “I Want Cake And Icecream Now!, Time To Go Party and Excuse Me Peasant, Can You Wipe My Arse, I’ve Just Had A Banging Shit.

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