When Paris Hilton recently entered a plea of not guilty to charges of drink-driving two weeks ago, everyone in the world slapped their bewildered foreheads so hard that a cloud got dislodged from the sky, fell to earth and crushed an orphanage.
Fast forward to now and it's a different matter entirely. Correctly reasoning that being charmingly wonky-eyed and only ever answering questions with a series of disjointed monologues about how hot it happens to be was no match for actual police tests proving that she was scientifically drunk when the police pulled her over in September, Paris Hilton instructed her lawyers to enter a no contest plea to the charge on her behalf in court yesterday. Among other punishments, a judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 36 months probation, which had better not ban bringing a tiny dog on a bus and then screeching when it shits everywhere, or else that's the next series of The Simple Life buggered.
We're sure that somewhere near the back of Paris Hilton's mind – tucked behind her massively overdeveloped Slurring and Internet Porn lobes – is the thought that her music career would still be going strong if only she didn't get busted for drink-driving in September. She's wrong – Paris Hilton's album failed because it was cack – but you can see why Paris Hilton getting arrested for being intoxicated behind the wheel of a car would make her even more of a thumpingly terrible role model than she already is.
That didn't stop Paris Hilton from making excuses, though – even after she was charged with drink-driving Paris Hilton maintained her innocence, claiming that she only had one cocktail that day and that she was just driving to get a burger so all the people she could have potentially run over or killed under the wheels of her car on the way wouldn't count. Paris Hilton remained defiant even when her case reached the arraignment hearing stage, issuing her lawyers to say that she was absolutely not guilty of drink driving.
But yesterday, after her charge was reduced, Paris Hilton realised she couldn't argue with police tests, 'fessed up and pleaded no contest to being all booze-spazzed in a car. Or at least she would have if she'd turned up in court instead of just letting her lawyers get on with it, as ABC News reports:
Paris Hilton was placed on 36 months probation and ordered to pay fines after pleading no contest Monday to alcohol-related reckless driving, a reduction of an original charge of driving under the influence… Judge Michael Sauer also ordered her to attend an alcohol education program and imposed other conditions. He gave Hilton the option of reducing her probation to 24 months if she completed 40 hours of community service. No immediate decision was made on that option. The fines, plus penalty assessments, totaled about $1,500.
We're not sure how Paris Hilton is going to spend the next three years now, considering her main hobbies are all potentially probation-breaking, like crashing her car or pissing in a taxi or beating up girls in nightclubs. Still, at least rehab-bound Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton can be alcohol education study buddies from now on. They'll keep each other out of trouble. Ahem.