We've seen the Chained Heat movies, so we know that all-female prisons are full of non-stop lesbian orgies – we also know that police stations are no better thanks to Busty Cops 2 – so a girl as beautiful as Paris Hilton wouldn't stand a chance in there.
That's more or less what Paris Hilton is trying to claim, anyway. Terrified that her 45-day prison sentence for violating her drink-driving probation will plunge her into a world of daily beatings, violent shower-room cunnilingus and a total absence of anything that's even vaguely hot, Paris Hilton has started up a petition to keep her out of jail, on the basis that she "provides beauty and excitement" to everyone's lives. And there we were thinking that Paris Hilton only provides us with bad music, bad films, bad TV shows and the occasional homemade porno film. And wonky eye jokes, which are kind of exciting, we'll admit.
When Michelle Rodriguez was thrown in jail last year, she described her experience by saying:
"I'm a gypsy. I can see beauty in a jail cell."
But that's because Michelle Rodriguez went to jail for a total of four hours. After violating probation stemming from her drink-driving arrest, though, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail – that's 270 times longer than Michelle Rodriguez, meaning that Paris Hilton will get to experience 270 times more gypsy-inspired beauty than the dead mannish girl from Lost. Also, Paris Hilton will get to eat 270 times more bad prison slop and 270 times more carefully planned razorblade/ toothbrush shiv attacks in the middle of the night.
So, understandably, Paris Hilton isn't especially thrilled about going to jail, especially since it means using a grotty toilet to urinate into instead of her usual taxi of choice. And that's why Paris Hilton is doing all she can to get out of jail before she even goes in it. How? Expensive legal advice from a team of the world's most expensive lawyers? Displaying genuine remorse for her crime in order to show the appeals court that she's learnt her lesson? A half-baked MySpace petition? Yeah, that last one. And this is what it says:
"Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives… We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong… This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life."
And it seems as if all kinds of people do want "her to her return to her career and life," whatever that means. The Paris Hilton jail petition has so far received over 10,000 signatures which, although impressive, probably won't stop Paris Hilton from going to the big house – because if it did then you can guarantee Phil Spector would be on MySpace trying the exact same thing faster than you can buy a lesbian wig.
But all of this worry is completely unnecessary, because – rather than being too beautiful and exciting for jail – we get the impression that Paris Hilton is going to fit into prison life perfectly. She already knows how to fight both rough-looking blondes and weedy gingers, plus her fellow inmates will have to respect Hilton's previous criminal record.
It was called Stars Are Blind. That was her criminal record.
We know. Sorry.
Buy your FREE PARIS / DON'T FREE PARIS T-shirts here!
Read more:
My Public Need Me, Says Paris Hilton – The Times
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kill that bitch.
Yes she should go to jail. I hope they rape the shit out of her
Manhattan Mini Storage already gave their verdict (see image on their website).
Maybe they will care to host the petition for her on their website.
http://www.manhattanministorage.com/
DC
For the love of God. Can we just eat the rich now and worry about the bad gas we’ll get later.
I wish to start another petition.
“Dear Governor Schwarzenegger, for the betterment of the human race I hereby petition that you consider issuing Ms. Hilton a lethal injection at your earliest convenience. Please note that double the usual amount may be required due to the brain cells Ms. Hilton has already fried. If California does not currently use the death penalty, I implore you to reinstate it as soon as possible specifically to fry Ms. Hilton for the advancement of the human race.”
If he won’t go for that, I hope that the following quote from the movie “Liar, Liar” will best sum up the way she can avoid jail time in the future:
Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
I think she should go to jail. What message would be sent if we allowed celebrities to get a “Get out of jail” pass every time they committed a crime? She made her bed, now she can sleep in it…STS. Besides when she gets out of jail, I would like to buy the DVD of her nightly encounters. That would make an awesome addition to my DVD library!
Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
this is ultimately ridiculous. go to jail. please
“”"”Stephen Gallagher, North London Says:
May 9th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Hilton’s agent, on Paris: “she provides hope for young people all over the US and the worldâ€.
SORRY?!! WHAT?!! SO, TAKING DRUGS, GETTING ABSOLUTELY WASTED NEARLY EVERY DAY, NUMEROUS DRINK DRIVING INCIDENTS & FILMING YOURSELF GETTING FUCKED BY RANDOM BLOKES “PROVIDES HOPE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE…�!!!!
NO WONDER KIDS ARE SO SCREWED UP THESE DAYS THEN!”"”"”"
Nothing further to add. You´ve said everything pal
Like she is going to go to a real jail… she has enough money to afford a private jail. Check out this article from the Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/us/29jail.html?ex=1335499200&en=25344300f0ef0a4d&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss
the funny thing is that her show The Simple Life is based on Paris living in the confines of a normal american family. If anything, these 45 days should be season 4 (or whatever season they are on). True Life bitch.
SEND HER TO JAIL…..this is pathetic. Any one of us would have to do the time. Why not her?
IMO Paris Hilton does not deserve any of this attention. There is nothing at all special about her other than she has money. And that isn’t even something that she worked hard for. So she should do her time and everyone stop giving her what she is wanting and that is attention.
Why all the hate for Paris? It obviously stems from jealousy. The title of this article is very misleading because 1st off she never made the quote, and 2nd its not even interpreted the right way in the title. Who cares that she is trying to get out of jail? Everyone that is sentenced tries to get out. Its common sense to try, noone wants to go to jail. Get your own like instead of writing about others.
Well I guess she can skip going to jail. Just send her to my house; I will make sure she is disciplined every day.
Drake = Paris?
That is crazy… add it to the list of Paris Hilton quotes here:
http://www.listafterlist.com/ListResults/tabid/57/ListID/7035/Default.aspx
Shes having a serious LA protest on June 5th in Hollywood.. check it out!!!!!!!!!
http://digg.com/celebrity/The_Paris_Protest_June_5th_2007_Die_hard_Paris_Hilton_fans_go_all_out
So who’s going to start the petition to have her jail time extended?
Wow, all of these posts are negative except one. I dont understand the people that support her. THey must have an I.Q. of 2. I just dont understand how she is so popular. Look at these posts, most american hate her and not because we are jealous but because the rest of the world thinks that is what america is made of. The only thing I wish would have happened was for her to die in a single car accident. No there’s justice.
Paris fans…… FUCK OFF you retards.
Unfortunately, as was the case with Martha Stewart, Paris’ “career” will probably benefit from the jail time. However I must agree she needs to be incarcerated……and her little dog too!!!
Spoiled bitch deserved it
This is all bullshit. Its fucking publicity stunt to jump up her sinking tv career, her tanked, shitty-awful record, and her film career. Don’t worry, the day that horrible cunt gets out of the clink there will be a book deal, a new reality tv show concept for FOX, and at least three movie roles in Summer 2008. We could only hope for some “real” prison abuses to happen to her, but the sad reality is that pampered bitch won’t be touched. I hate this country.
I love how one of America’s biggest whores thinks she doen’t deserve to be in jail, despite the fact that she obvioulsy broke the law. I laugh at her anyone who agrees with her. If she had killed someone, would people think that she doesn’t deserve jail time? And speaking of famous people getting thrown in jail, can we get Fergie arrested for something too?
Hilton’s agent, on Paris: “she provides hope for young people all over the US and the worldâ€.
WTF! I think she is encouraging female teens to be the perfect sluts. My 2 cents.
For such disregard to the legal system and responsibility for her actions I say 45 days is not long enough.
There are actually celebrity prison (it costs alot to go there). She will probably serve time with other famous dipshits that is too good for real life.
They should set her free. The stupid government has no right to send anybody to jail for using a car they own on a road they pay for without a piece of paper from the government. America has become a fascist country and that needs to stop immediately. I hope she’s smart enough to get some protection from the government because that terrorist organization is going to continue to threaten her unless she does. Paris needs to be prepared to resist them by any means necessary if she’s going to avoid being enslaved and tortured.
Paris simply exercised her right to drive her car. Now she needs to protect herself from evil people who wish to deny her that right.
C’mon Paris, it can’t be that bad.
The only thing that Paris has going for her is that she just happened to be born into a family with money. She really is not that good looking. She is just white trash with cash. If there is any justice left in are country then she will go to jail.
Slutty bitch had it coming, Fry her ass in jail !! 45 days ain’t enough.
Providing beauty and excitement, my ass. Lets see if your money gets you out off the can now.
you drive with a suspended license. you don’t show up for a court date. you got to jail. you’re paying for your ignorance. this is what it is about. the social elite pleading ignorance. let justice be served. 45 days in jail is a great sentence. it’s long enough for her NOT to get used to jail life with beatings, rape, etc. 45 days of sodomy is just long enough. on day 46 she’ll be used to it then that she won’t learn her lesson. same goes for me when i sat on a cucumber. 45 days of that…46 days will be routine.
ps. the only thing that she is inspiring little girls to be is whores with a body type of barbie with muscular dystrophy
The survey is a fraud anyway, they provide a mechanism to add comments but these comments are not displayed.
I imagine this is because most of the comments made were negative, so presenting a petition with tens of thousands of unembellished signatures and no comments would make more sense than one with tens of thousands of signatures, most of them accompanied by remarks about her porn video and how its only fair that she serve the time.
Wait…. you mean she’s even capable of driving? I didn’t think her neanderthal brain would be able to do that.
Looks like it’s time they start a chain of Hilton Prisons for the future.
Its time for a fresh haircut Hilton – Spears style! Show us what we all know – brain surgery thats gone bad on a girl beyond repair!
I hope she’s reading this. Paris, you’re an idiot.
What is wrong with you people?!?!?!?! Paris Hilton is an insperation! I mean just think about it: how many people could get that far in hollywood without having a single talent? She doesn’t act of sing, yet she is still all over magazines and tv. That is so totally awesome! I hope to one day become a hilton. Paris please let me no if you have a single brother! yay! and i really think you should NOT have to go to jail. So what if you commited a crime? Everybody probably has at some time or another, whether it is slealing a pack of gum or worse. I wish you luck in court! get a good lawyer!
live her free she dind’t kill anyone and and one more thing u see how people on usa dont protect each other and other countries can break u easy so live her free paris u are best babe girl they can do nothing to u keep up
I know that Paris is not ALWAYS the best role model to younge kids, but i do believe that she is at times. Her self-confidence is a really good character trait. Its something i wish i could have. I’m always putting myself down, which is why Paris Hilton is my role model. I don’t thing Paris should have to go to jail. Most people don’t go to jail 45 days after a 3rd offence, They just pay and be done with it. DON’T LET PARIS GO TO JAIL! i’ll have noone to look up to then..
We can’t have a double standard for the rich and famous. I say we start a petition to request the maximum jail time of 90 days! How could we do it? myspace? Ideas people!
give her the chair or juice her
The horrible brain that girl must have. She sees herself as some ethereal angel, alighting upon our humble world to bestow beauty and grace upon the mud splattered, slobbering creatures that we are. Fall to your knees and thank God that he loved us so that he would send His most heavenly creation.
Dear Govenor Ah-nold,
If we let this Bitch have her way ’cause she can we might as well let her join the ranks of others like her that have lied to the American public for personal gain! People like George Bush! Bill Clinton, the L.A.P.D, Oil companies….etc. I say fry the cunt!
Dear Govenor Ah-nold,
If we let this Bitch have her way ’cause she can we might as well let her join the ranks of others like her that have lied to the American public for personal gain! People like George Bush! Bill Clinton, the L.A.P.D, Oil companies….etc. I say fry the bitch!
That bitch needs to do her time. I say she should do 90 days, plus rehab, AND have a fine.
OR, she could make a deal with the state.
She will bend over and be used by every Male / Female resident of California. She will be bent over for 45 days and let any and all come and abuse her bottom for eight hours a day. She gets to be free for the time frame, and she gets to service her fans.
I mean she’s oh so beautiful and all, why not share that with her loyal fans…
don’t forget the herpe cream.
Is Paris Hilton going to JAIL? THAT”S HOT and PRICELESS.
let me pee on ‘er first, eh?
PARIS SHOULD HAVE WENT TO JAIL WHEN SHE EXPOSED HER PRIVATE PARTS IN PUBLIC. I WAS ANNOYED WHEN NOTHING HAPPEN TO HER WHEN SHE EXPOSED HERSELF. IF SHE WAS A MAN, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ARRESTED, JAILED AND PUT ON THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION LIST FOR LEWD BEHAVIOR.
GO TO JAIL PARIS AND STOP CRYING LIKE A SPOIL KID. BE A WOMEN!!!!!
This shit is fucked up. NOTHING BUT FUCKED UP.
Take the cameras OFF HER. Stop writing ABOUT HER. Just ignore this disgusting waste of oxygen. She is a disgrace. Execute her.
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