We've seen the Chained Heat movies, so we know that all-female prisons are full of non-stop lesbian orgies – we also know that police stations are no better thanks to Busty Cops 2 – so a girl as beautiful as Paris Hilton wouldn't stand a chance in there.
That's more or less what Paris Hilton is trying to claim, anyway. Terrified that her 45-day prison sentence for violating her drink-driving probation will plunge her into a world of daily beatings, violent shower-room cunnilingus and a total absence of anything that's even vaguely hot, Paris Hilton has started up a petition to keep her out of jail, on the basis that she "provides beauty and excitement" to everyone's lives. And there we were thinking that Paris Hilton only provides us with bad music, bad films, bad TV shows and the occasional homemade porno film. And wonky eye jokes, which are kind of exciting, we'll admit.
When Michelle Rodriguez was thrown in jail last year, she described her experience by saying:
"I'm a gypsy. I can see beauty in a jail cell."
But that's because Michelle Rodriguez went to jail for a total of four hours. After violating probation stemming from her drink-driving arrest, though, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail – that's 270 times longer than Michelle Rodriguez, meaning that Paris Hilton will get to experience 270 times more gypsy-inspired beauty than the dead mannish girl from Lost. Also, Paris Hilton will get to eat 270 times more bad prison slop and 270 times more carefully planned razorblade/ toothbrush shiv attacks in the middle of the night.
So, understandably, Paris Hilton isn't especially thrilled about going to jail, especially since it means using a grotty toilet to urinate into instead of her usual taxi of choice. And that's why Paris Hilton is doing all she can to get out of jail before she even goes in it. How? Expensive legal advice from a team of the world's most expensive lawyers? Displaying genuine remorse for her crime in order to show the appeals court that she's learnt her lesson? A half-baked MySpace petition? Yeah, that last one. And this is what it says:
"Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives… We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong… This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life."
And it seems as if all kinds of people do want "her to her return to her career and life," whatever that means. The Paris Hilton jail petition has so far received over 10,000 signatures which, although impressive, probably won't stop Paris Hilton from going to the big house – because if it did then you can guarantee Phil Spector would be on MySpace trying the exact same thing faster than you can buy a lesbian wig.
But all of this worry is completely unnecessary, because – rather than being too beautiful and exciting for jail – we get the impression that Paris Hilton is going to fit into prison life perfectly. She already knows how to fight both rough-looking blondes and weedy gingers, plus her fellow inmates will have to respect Hilton's previous criminal record.
It was called Stars Are Blind. That was her criminal record.
We know. Sorry.