If you want proof that money can't buy you everything, just look at Paris Hilton; it couldn't buy Paris Hilton a decent music or acting career or an eye that wasn't a little bit skew-whiff – and now it can't buy her the right to drive on a suspended license.
Way back when Paris Hilton was arrested for loading up on a cocktail and zooming about the streets of LA with her head all higgelty-piggelty from the booze, part of her punishment was to have her driving license suspended for 36 months. Christ alone what Paris Hilton thought 'suspended' meant – we're guessing either 'literally hung from the ceiling' or 'some kind of east-European meat product' – but she can't have known the true meaning because of what we're about to tell you. Long story short: Paris Hilton drives her car, Paris Hilton stopped by police, Paris Hilton probably about to spent the next three months languishing in some kind of correctional facility.
Have you ever wondered why Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie travelled everywhere by bus on that one series of The Simple Life? Originally we thought it was to show the hilarious juxtaposition of two mega-wealthy young women like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and the sort of normal bus-riding people whose lives Paris and Nicole could purchase and snuff out without even denting their bank balance. But no – Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie rode the bus in The Simple Life because they're insanely effing dangerous when they get in a car.
Now that Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are friends again, it seems as if Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are engaged in some kind of friendly competition to see who can get in the most car trouble. Paris Hilton took the lead initially with some babysteps like crashing a car, using a car as a makeshift urine receptacle and crashing a car again, but then came the big one – in September Paris Hilton was busted for drink-driving. Despite her protestations that she only wanted a burger, police charged Paris Hilton with DUI and the case went to court where Paris Hilton pleaded not guilty before quickly changing her mind to no contest.
Undeterred, Nicole Richie did the only thing she could – she stuffed herself with pot and Vicodin and zoomed the wrong way up a motorway – even though she'd already committed an earlier driving offence – and then brazenly pleaded not guilty to it. "Beat that Paris Hilton," Nicole Richie may have telepathically said to Paris.
So Paris Hilton did. Despite having no license after her drink-driving arrest, Paris Hilton was stopped by police on Tuesday night for driving with no headlights on. Reuters picks up the story:
Police seized Paris Hilton's $190,000 Bentley after the heiress was caught driving on a suspended license, and prosecutors vowed on Wednesday to ask a judge to revoke her probation for reckless driving… A court determination that Hilton violated the terms of her probation could result in the 26-year-old reality TV star being fined or even jailed for up to 90 days, a spokesman for the Los Angeles City Attorney's Office said. Hilton was pulled over on Sunset Boulevard in the city of West Hollywood at 11 p.m. on Tuesday for driving without headlights, and her luxury car was impounded when police discovered her license had been suspended, a Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman said.
Our full respect goes to Paris Hilton's slave Elliot Mintz who, in the face of constant questions about his charge, is becoming possibly the world's leading authority at saying that Paris Hilton is stupendously thick in a very polite way:
"I don't believe Paris knew whether or not she was allowed to drive. I don't know if that information had been clearly communicated to her. I can assure you it is not a matter of chutzpah."
So with both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie facing jail-time for car-related incidents, it's only fair that the next season of The Simple Life should take place in an all-female prison. It'd be great – just like Chained Heat only with all the rapes and garroting accompanied by a quizzical-sounding fiddle noise.
Read more:
Eatin says
Dippy cow. It was only a matter of time, I suppose
Stephen says
Now, if we could somehow force all “famous for being famous” non-celebrities into jail, I’ll be a happy man. Of course this all hinges on whether or not either of them serve time or are actually punished for breaking the law. If nothing else, they should be punished for being pointless humans.
K says
haha that article is totally exactly what I was thinking, the next simple life won’t involve cars because both girls won’t be able to drive!! The prision idea for next season would be genius! Its unbelievable that americans watch people like this on tv, its what not to be like!