The great thing about love is that there really is someone for everyone.

Just look at Sloth and Chunk from The Goonies. Sloth, a malformed man-beast with a saliva control problem and a wonky eye, loved Chunk even though he was an unfortunate-looking kid who got left behind like the whiny dead weight he was.

The same is true for Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Benji Madden. Really the exact same, actually. This modern day Sloth and Chunk are so in love that Benji has slipped nicely into delirium and is blabbering to anyone that’ll listen about how Paris is perfect wife material. See? Just like Sloth and Chunk. Only more repellent.

Paris Hilton really does know how to rope in the winners, doesn’t she? She made a highly publicised naughty home video with Rick Salomon, then there was Nick Carter who may or may not have knocked her around a bit, and even a guy with whom she shared a first name and probably a variety of communicable diseases, just to name a few. Throw in there some undie-flashing and urinating in moving vehicles, and you’ve got quite a gal there.

But all of that’s okay, you know why? Because all of that experience and whore-bagging has helped shape Paris Hilton into the perfect future wife for her boyfriend Benji Madden (note: if this post just suddenly stops mid sentence, it’s because we simply cannot force ourselves to type the name ‘Benji’ one more blasted time).

Benji Madden – the brother and fellow Good Charlotte bandmate of Joel Madden, father to Nicole Ritchie’s baby, and unconfirmed relation to the shoe designer Steve Madden – has said some things in an interview for Yo on E! on Sirius radio about his relationship with Paris Hilton that has left us scratching our head for so long that we’re hitting raw skull right about now. Stuff like this:

“We have known each other for a long time, and I’ve always known the real Paris. I always knew that she was like…wife material or serious girlfriend material.”

So, if Paris Hilton is considered to be wife material what has Benji Madden rejected as non-wife material? Mail order brides from third world countries polluted with nuclear waste? Maybe he meant to say “material wife” instead of “wife material”.

Regardless, Benji Madden wants the world to know how ridiculously in love he is. He said:

“You just want to get on top of a mountain and go, I’m in love! But your fans would probably make fun of you.”

Of course, one needs fans for them to make fun of you. Luckily for Benji and Paris, you don’t have to be fans to make fun of them, and that’s where we cowboy up and bravely step in.

Read more:

Benji Gets “Sirius” About Paris – OK