Paris Hilton: Don’t Be A Dick Like Me

One of the more patronising activities you had to do when you were in school was to stand up in front of your peers and tell them all what you wanted to be when you grew up.

More than likely, this is a chance for kids to temporarily forget that they'll end up with crappy nine-to-five jobs or working in a petrol station. But that doesn't stop children standing up time and time again to say they want to be models, actors or professional football players, or maybe even Paris Hilton. That's because Paris Hilton is such a wonderful role-model for children that when she leaves a fourth of July message on her MySpace page, people listen. They listen, and then they mock. 'Tis the American way.

Unless you’ve been living under a cave for the last couple of months, you’ll be totally aware that Paris Hilton was recently imprisoned for breaching her court order, resulting in her being shoved in the slammer. But the trauma of going into prison and then coming out of prison and then going back into prison again was so much that it all came tumbling out during an interview with Larry King, where we really learned fuck-all about prison being a place we’d rather not be. Watching countless prison dramas and films have taught us to never drop the soap and never share a cell with someone else, and that's all we need to know.

During the interview, Paris Hilton said she’d change her ways and become a better person or something. So this literally means no more rubbish porn films, rubbish non-porn or crap albums. Ever since her release, nothing major has happened to make us think Paris Hilton was talking out of her arse, but during America's July 4 celebrations, she finally made some sort of piss poor effort to make good on her claim. 

In America, July 4 is considered quite a significant day. According to our 23 seconds of research on the topic, it’s the day when their declaration of independence was signed or something. We’re really not too sure, but it's celebrated with fireworks, parades, baseball, picnics and barbecues. Quite similar to the other 364 days of the year, then. Feel free to correct us. Seeing it’s a mildly special day, it was the right time for Paris Hilton to make some sort of speech. Unless you have an IQ that’s under four, don’t get your hopes up. Posting on her MySpace page, Paris wrote: 

"Happy 4th of July everyone, and remember to be responsible and have a designated driver.” 

Er… ok then. We expected this to be longer, but she probably didn’t want to waste another hour typing out another sentence. However the message will get the hardcore fans up in frenzy and make them all start weeping and whooping because they’ve just been personally addressed by someone who contributes less to society then dole scroungers. These are the sort of the fans who’d go and buy her used crap. 

Hecklerspray will fully take onboard the advice given to us by the most irresponsible driver possible, and after ignoring the many years of police-driven propaganda to stop drink driving we will totally take notice all because some Hollywood type said so. We much prefer the adverts with the freaky-looking kid where she lies smashed to bits in the ground after being smacked at full force. It's 30mph for a reason, kids.

Read more: 

Paris' Declaration On Independence Day - E! Online