Papoose Apparently Tries To Bust Remy Ma Out Of Prison

How many rap superstars have gone to prison in the past few years? 100? 200? Well we don’t have an exact count, but we heard that in Atlanta they make up more than half of the incarcerated population.

Further rumor has it that while in there they all join together making beautiful music banging tin coffee cups on their cell bars and slapping out dope beats by smacking soap-on-a-rope into the bare bottoms of their cell mates. It’s all melody they tell us.

And on the chain gang they sing into their pickaxes. It’s just what we heard.

Whatever stories you’ve heard about rappers in prison before – forget them. They pale in comparison to this one. That’s because this one involves Remy Ma getting smuggled a possible means of escape by her rhyme-loving groom.

Remy Ma fully intended to marry a baby Indian while in prison, and for some reason that baby Indian had every intention of marrying her back. It’s what we assume anyway. Technically the groom’s ethnicity and age really haven’t come up a lot, but he does refer to himself as Papoose and he only wears moccasins and feather-laden Mohawks. We can’t make this up.

OK we did make that up – but what we’re not fictionalising is that Papoose, a man, showed up at prison to marry Remy Ma, a woman. Remy was recently incarcerated, remember? It was for shooting some girl in the stomach, and she could have gotten up to 25 years for it – but she only just got sentenced to eight.

Papoose doesn’t care though, he knows it was just Remy’s finger that pulled the trigger – the rest of her would never dream of doing such a thing. That’s why he’s still engaged to her, and that’s also why he still loves her so much he’ll wait for her forever - even if it means only be able to make sweet, slow love to her through the US Postal Service, MSN Chat every Thursday from 2:15 - 2:30, or occasionally to the wads of spit she tries to send him out her prison window.

Most of that isn’t fact. What is fact though is that Papoose showed up to wed his betrothed in a ceremony probably complete with little cubes of prison meatloaf that had toothpicks stabbed into them. Also they likely had watery prison Jell-o in paper cups and an inmate-reverend with a piece of paper that says he discovered religion and got the power to marry folks in year five of his lock-up.

It gets better - when Papoose arrived to tie the knot – he brought a handcuff key to apparently free his woman. According to Daily News:

“A wedding was scheduled today and a visitor to that wedding service was found to be in possession of jail contraband so the wedding was canceled,” a correction official told the Daily News. “The key that was found today easily opened handcuffs that we and other law enforcement officials use,” the official said.”

Whether or not there were any post-break out plans is unknown. We assume Remy would have ditched the cuffs and hid in the back of a laundry truck while Papoose wore the appropriate uniform and drove her through the gates to a waiting helicopter with fake Mexican passports and a 50 pound bag of guano.

It’s because that stuff is worth money down in Mexico – brown gold they call it for short. Brown gold with specks of undigested-insect they call it for long.

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Update: Remy Ma’s Jail Wedding Called Off, Papoose Found With Handcuff Key – Six Shot