With her rural upbringing, lax attitude to interpersonal sex education and hooters, Sarah Palin’s biggest fan should be Pamela Anderson.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin. She hates Sarah Palin’s stance on hunting, she hates Sarah Palin’s creationist beliefs and she hates Sarah Palin’s stupid voice, which is all like “Wer wer wer.” In fact, Pamela Anderson hates Sarah Palin so much that she’s told her to “suck it” on camera.
And when Pamela Anderson tells you to suck it, it’s not a request, it’s an order. Pamela Anderson literally wants you to suck it. Right now. Here and now, on this speedboat, Pamela Anderson wants you to suck it. She’s going to film it as well, so long as you’re cool with it. It’s not like it’s going to end up on the internet or anything.
We’ll say one thing for Sarah Palin – she might make us want to club our own faces into sludge every time she opens her mouth, but she’s quite good at winding the celebrities up.
So far, celebrity criticism of Sarah Palin has come in two forms – the considered, thoughtful arguments of Matt Damon and Diddy spinning around in his garden going “Wheeee!” and filming it. But now a third wave has arrived, and it’s got hepatitis.
As we previously mentioned, Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson have a lot in common. Both of them had their first brush with fame by exploiting their bodies, both have used drugs in the past, both of them were basically brought up by toothless bearded hicks in log cabins in the middle of the woods and both are still weirdly sexualised even though one looks like a blistered strip of orange leather and the other one looks like a Moomin who’s gone legit, bought a used Vauxhall Tigra and decided to open up a nail salon.
However, there’s one thing that separates Sarah Palin and Pamela Anderson, and that’s animal rights. Show a picture of a fox to Pamela Anderson and she’ll go on a march to protect them, write letters about fox welfare to the head of every government in the world and probably marry a fox just for the hell of it; but show a picture of a fox to Sarah Palin and she’ll leap in a helicopter and bazooka it right out of your hands.
And that’s why the very mention of Sarah Palin’s name prompted this little tantrum by Pamela Anderson recently…
That told you, Sarah Palin. Now, if Barack Obama ends up winning the election, we hope it’s only right that he recognises all Pamela Anderson’s hard work in getting him the job and awards her with something suitably grand to show his gratitude, like a statue or a job on the cabinet. There is a Secretary For Spazzy Fucking Counterproductive Red Carpet Outbursts, isn’t there?
R. Stanton says
Thespians were once rightly considered moral and intellectual trash. That a has-been old porn hag can get such press with an idiotic slur is an indication that evolution sometimes walks backwards.
FLvoter says
I LOVE it when intelligent and highly respectable celebrities like Pamela Anderson (loved her home video release on DVD…FABULOUS!!), Matt Damon, and ONOprah side with one of their very own… now that’s what I call star power baby!
Hey… I missed the VMA’s this year, did Obama perform??
Joke Police says
I love it when morons come on a celebrity satire site and pretend it’s a good thing that the Republicans are unpopular.
Hey… I missed who your candidate for president is this year – was it that old guy next to the celebrity VP nominee?
CanadianHo says
Pam Anderson is a two bit Canadian hooker turned hollywood uber-ho. She got lucky at the Labatt Blue girl and now prances around trying to find her new scuzzy hollywood set rock shuga daddy. She is the incubus of hollywierd. Telling Palin to suck it is no surprise as Pam is known to carry a strap on in her repertoire of Pammy’s toychest.
ObamaHatesWomen says
Anderson’s a vapid, has-been sleaze who got Hepatitis-C from a dirty needle.
Hollywood doesn’t get it. We don’t want their opinion.
lori says
i love sarah a lifetime nra member like myself, pam and matt are hollywood losers. i’m guessing pam wound not have the balls to bring a ill child into this world knowing it was ill in the womb. if they win GREAT i’m going to laugh my ass off and think of pam and matt. pam guns do not kill people people kill poeple. if you knew anything about hunting, it is needed to thin the herd. they would starve to death. vension is delightful. you should try a piece someday.
ann says
Only thing that kills and destroy is human beings like yourself..we have no right to hunt any animal..look around darling..karma is biting everyone on the bum..if you have a trauma in your life and wonder why ‘poor me’ you would have deserved it to what you did to those poor animals.the first thing you will see when you die..
Julian Mentat says
When I read the idiotic ad-hominem rants of the Palin supporters, I realise that the 21st century already belongs to China. The USA will be just a memorable implosion.
Stabby McGee says
Succubus, not incubus… dipsit.
gir says
“Succubus, not incubus…”
No, she meant that she is the shitty nu-metal band of “Hollywierd”, wherever that is.
Barbstew says
When the morons in Hollywood try to tell me who I should vote for, I’m reminded of an old “70s song …”he can’t even run his own life; I’ll be damned if he’ll run mine.” How seriously can you take people who play dress up for a living?
dianeKPB says
here is a link for you to go to and read pam. it’s about aerial wolf hunting. can you say aerial? if you have any trouble with the big words ask you stylist/makeup artist for help.
http://www.slate.com/id/2199140/
Tony B says
We have no right to hunt any animal??? What the heck is that? Does that mean polar bears have no right to fish? How about coyotes hunting rabbits — do they have that right? The fact is that nature is a brutal environment and it is survival of the fittest, whether you like it or not. I doubt the snake that just ate a field mouse habors any sense of regret. Liberals are so fond of pointing to the animal kingdom to advance their causes (i.e., monogomy is not “natural” because animals have multiple partners) so the knife cuts both ways.
Alyssa says
Look man, if you can crash tackle and kill a wild moose with just ur bare hands, goddamn be my guest. Polar Bears don’t use guns, why should u? And they kill for food, I don’t see you eating grizzly bear…
Alyssa says
LOL dianeKPB- Do you really think Pam Anderson reads this sh*t?
HAHAHAA
J Bollocks says
Alyssa “Do you really think Pam Anderson reads this shit?”
Not reads, can’t.
DW says
I gues Pam has proved on many more than one occasion that “she can suck it” too. She should stick to being a two-bit whore and leave the politics to someone with a brain between their ears. Isn’t about time you were marrying another moron Pam?
Kara says
another comment board full of right-wing idiots.
i agree with alyssa. if you want to go tackle a fucking wolf with your teeth, FINE. nobody’s gonna stop you. obviously, if humans were meant to eat WOLVES, then we would be physically adapted to eating WOLVES. but you know, i am NOT seeing the razor sharp teeth and talons. and maybe, even maybe if you want to use a gun to kill something you’re going to EAT, make sure it’s not an endangered fucking species like wolves or polar bears. k?
sarah palin can definitely suck it because she’s an airhead, and i would say that she was the WORST vice-president nominee mccain could have picked.
but america picked the right one, thank god.