Never in the history of ever did I think I would get to write about my hometown on a celebrity gossip site, but here we are. On Tuesday, December 17th, F-List celebrity, Pamela Anderson, and co-creator of The Simpsons, Sam Simon, came to St. John’s to protest the seal hunting industry, and all they did was make total assholes out of themselves.
Anderson and Simon pulled a Paul McCartney and came to Atlantic Canada freaking out about clubbing baby seals (which doesn’t happen) and the decrease of the seal population (which doesn’t exist) and offered the seal hunting industry (a multi-million dollar industry) a whopping $1 million to shut down. Cue my face palm.
Before you all go freaking out in the comments about how killing animals for fashion is wrong, I would like to note that I basically agree. Plus, I think seal skin stuff looks really fucking stupid. I mean, have you seen seal skin boots? They are fug. Hook me up with some leather any day, but that really isn’t the part of the argument I think is totally fucking foolish anyway.
Like Paul McCartney before them, Anderson dragged her sagging, leathery ass down here to have a cry about how the Department of Fisheries and Oceans is killing the seal population (the population has actually increased) and clubbing baby seals (amazingly, we don’t do that anymore). When Anderson and Simon were informed that the seal industry was just as humane as any other industry that makes money off making goods out of animals and that there are actually like 20 million seals (a slight exaggeration), they were all like “well, whatever, we’re still pissed.” Ok cool.
Up until this point, I still really didn’t give a shit about this whole issue. What made me LOL was the fact that they came down here and offered the entire seal hunting industry $1 million to shut down. Pammy says “A million dollars is a lot of money in Newfoundland.” Bitch, you are in Canada, your home country, not Dominican Republic. A million dollars here isn’t all that great (cue eye roll gif)
You wanna buy out a whole industry of people with $1 million? I have five jobs and if I won a million dollars do you know how many of them I would quit? One. I would quit one. You can’t even live in a fucking trailer park in St. John’s for less than $150k, and that’s a shitty trailer, might I add you.
I’m not sure what these celeb types think we’re up to on this island, but when I was 18 I worked at the GAP and my first car was a Mazda Protégé. Amazingly enough, we’re not all over here clubbing seals and fucking our cousins. Sure, I lost my virginity when I was a bit young, but it wasn’t because of anything like you saw in the movie The Shipping News, it was for the same reasons all those bitches on Teen Mom did: I was bored and nothing was on TV.
Though I have enjoyed writing this little rant, I accept that it may not get published because 1) most people don’t even know where St. John’s is, and 2) who gives a fuck about Pamela Anderson anymore? Is this 1995? But, you know, it’s nice to not write about the Kardashians once in a while (my next post will obvi be about a Kardashian LOL).
I mean, if you want to bug someone over animal fashion, I’m sure Beyoncé is somewhere wearing something made out of another living thing, so go bother her ass. At least she’s probably somewhere warm.
I used to look up to you Pamela Anderson (I have issues). To me, you were the second hottest bitch on Baywatch, just behind Yasmine Bleeth (this is the second time in a blog I have referenced Yasmine Bleeth. I am seriously going to cause her comeback). But your visit here was kind of like that time you said you had hepatitis: you have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.