Drake Proves That Even Celebrities Have Unattainable Goals

by Michael Park

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams. Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in [...]

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Sinead O’Connor Is Back With Her Husband. Again.

by Sophie Hall

Good news! After a month of torrential rain, uncharted deceit to our own promises to ourselves, the big N-Dubz split, and the bit in the Lana Del Ray SNL performance where she momentarily went through male puberty, January is finally ending – and on a high. Sinead O Connor’s back with her lovely hub! Hurrah! Righto [...]

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Dr. Conrad Murray Wants An Electronic Tag & A Get Out Of Jail Free Card

by Matthew Laidlow

When you’re in a position of note, it’s easy to get carried away and become an egotistical crack-shack. One need only look at Sting’s self-satisfied fizzog to see exactly what we mean. Not everybody has it so easy once they’ve been elevated to a “status” – especially one they might not want. Who are we [...]

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Review: Dancing on Ice – Ruining the Concept of “Duels” for Everyone

by Jacki Evans

What springs to mind when somebody says “duel”? People flouncing about with swords, trying to kill each other? Yes? Well, forget about that. Because this week, Dancing on Ice brought us the least threatening duels of all time. There were no swords. There was no serious injury. There were just two celebrities on the ice [...]

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The Big Breakfast Is Coming Back! For The Olympics?!

by Robin Darke

Any child of the nineties will remember not wanting to go to school. Not because the education system was as messed up as Chloe Sims’ face, or because of the taunts of  the three stripe-clad knuckle-draggers who marked themselves as the school’s social elite. It was because they wanted nothing more than to watch The [...]

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WATCH THIS! TV Picks For The Weekend Bozo

by Robin Darke

Ka-loo ka-lay everyone! It’s almost the end of the week, and just like Lenny Henry tells us on those awful hotel adverts, it’s almost time for the weekend. And what’s a weekend all about? Going out, getting trashed and generally being like those pesky kids from Skins, sitting around in your pants as much as [...]

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Readers’ Letters: “Gays Have No Rights” Or “How I Learned To Stop Thinking & Leave Youtube Comments”

by Michael Park

God, look at you all. Sat there in your ostentatious Ivory Towers looking down on us in our hecklerspray hovel as we scrap around trying to pick a living from the meagre bones of underweight celebrities. You sit in judgement of us like a Feudal Lord views his peasants with seeming omniscience. You sit there [...]

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George Clooney Desperately Jonesing For Olympic Freebies In Interviews

by Mof Gimmers

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay. We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. [...]

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Paris Jackson And Justin Bieber To Shag With Unswerving Predictability

by Mof Gimmers

When Michael Jackson was alive (he’s very much dead these days), he ended up getting married to Lisa Marie Presley. It was weird. The King Of Pop shacking up with The King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s daughter. Mixing pop royalty like that… it’s incestuous and odd. And guess what is going to happen? That’s right, [...]

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Demi Moore’s 911 Emergency Call Is Early Contender For Christmas No1

by Mof Gimmers

As well you know, Demi Moore’s suffering and being rushed to hospital after seizures from alleged narcotics, is simply not enough for us. The fact she’s so unhappy is fine and all, but we need more. Like what? We all need to hear her cry for help. It’s not good enough knowing that she was [...]

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