Hecklerscopes: Watch The Stars & You Will See Your Own Genitals

by Joanna Bolouri

Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’ Taurus (Apr 21-May 21) You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend [...]

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Julian Assange To Appear In The Simpsons, Despite All That Sex Crime Business

by Mof Gimmers

Hey! You know Julian Assange? What do you mean you don’t know who he is? He’s the man who leaks things. Allegedly, he leaks things all over people against their will (which he denies, natch). He also likes leaking documents which really gets up the nose of the world’s governments. Sounds like a thrilling bloke, [...]

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Americans Are Stupid Enough To Like Keira Knightley

by Mof Gimmers

Have you seen Domino? It’s just about the worst film ever made. That includes the ill-advised Garbage Pail Kids movie which some idiot wasted his money on making. And the reason that Domino is so bad lays entirely at the feet of the godawful Keira Knightley – an English accent designed to occupy a thong. [...]

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Elton John vrs Madonna: Still Bickering Like Massive Bitches

by Matthew Laidlow

Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation. Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted [...]

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Matthew Broderick’s Greatest Moment in 20 Years? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

by Si Sharp

Matthew Broderick is a man with a surprisingly unremarkable film career. We don’t mean he doesn’t make money- we’re sure he’s super-successful if judged by wealth. However, before you continue reading, grab a pad of paper and a pen. If, like us, you get hand-cramp from even writing your own name, then just open up [...]

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Skins Review: The Misery Of Episode Two

by Lauren Mullineaux

It’s a brand new week, scum buckets, and to start the downward decline is a brand spanking new episode of Skins and boy oh boy is it miserable this time around! Are you lucky? First, let’s get real for a moment folks. This is the second episode, so they have to bring out the big [...]

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Awesome or Off-Putting: Malaysia’s Diabolical Oily Men

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, ancient artifacts, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable. You’re familiar with first world problems, right? Running out of mustard, the laundry room is all the way down in the basement [...]

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Soap Spoilers! Pinching! Death! Planning Permission!

by Joanna Bolouri

Hello readers. Have a good week? If our frighteningly accurate hecklerscopes are correct, then most of you are either dead or feeling a very real sense of shame and self loathing. Either is fine with us. For those of you still here, let’s look at what’s going to happen in Soapland this week. Yep, you [...]

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Only Fools & Horses Set for American Remake Which Puts Other Menial World Events Into Stark Perspective

by Sophie Hall

A year from now… No. Sorry, no. We don’t do that. We’re not a TV supplement. (We wish!) (No, not really.) (We mean, Christ, can you imagine?) (Shut up.) So, basically Only Fools and Horses, inherently British, pukka, CUSHTY Only Fools & Horses has just been commissioned for a US Pilot! Well, we all saw [...]

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Ex-TOWIE Star Harry Derbidge Wins “Idiots’ Idiot” Award

by Michael Park

There isn’t much to be said about Harry Derbidge that hasn’t already been said. By that we mean that there is very little to say about Harry Derbidge aside from the fact that he appears to have an IQ comparable to that of a brain-damaged heron. In fact, up until today we hadn’t actually heard [...]

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