Search Results for: readers letters

Readers’ Letters – Some Scripture For Bill Murray [Video]

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

There’s nothing weirder than finding people who are so obsessed with something that they’re willing to go to any length of internet-based conflict in order to defend their nonsensical beliefs. It is a trait most often seen in fans of Muse, Twilight, INXS, Queen and, quite inexplicably, Larry David. There are few things that hecklerspray writers love more than these people. The ‘whine’ of fans.

And so we come to our weekly perusal of our post, the time that- for us- is the closest we’ll ever come to having sex with Ann Widdicombe. We approach the post bag with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity with only a modicum of sexual excitement, we reach out our shaking, clammy paws.

Find out what becomes of us over the jump…

Readers’ Letters: In Which You All Dribble Over Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts [Video]

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week, we have the unfortunate task of picking our way through your crusted correspondence to find the most depraved, hideous scrawlings to put on the site for everyone to laugh at. This week, it was a little bit easier as our drooling mass of a readership left a slug trail right to some of the most sexually-charged content that has ever deposited itself in our post bag thanks to a certain Ms. Scarlett Johansson.

Yes, everyone’s favourite bombshell had her phone hacked as hecklerspray brought the curious masses a skin-exclusive and everyone wanted to get in touch to reveal their masturbatory habits. There’s also veiled threats from Kasabian’s representatives, a singing Michael Jackson and a screaming INXS nutter, all with Editor Mof just over the jump.

Readers’ Letters: “Why Would You Make A Video Of This?!” [Video]

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

We love our readers. From the very bottom of our hearts, we adore them and cherish their opinions on life, the universe and everything. Some of our readers are silent; observing the world of celebrity vicariously through our writers. We love them too, just not quite as much.

Other readers like to get as involved as they possibly can by adding witty add-ons to our pieces using their own inimitable senses of humour. Some others like to defend their favourite bands, actors and artists to the hilt by using the ol’ “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” quip before telling us that we deserve to die and spend eternity in the depths pits of hell for daring to take the piss out of people.

People with no sense of humour, basically. It is these people who we celebrate each week in Readers’ Letters, our weekly trawl through your comments and opinions, filtering the fantastic from the flotsam, the sublime from the shite. This week, we’ve done it as a video! Let Editor Mof guide you after the jump…

Readers’ Letters: “This Article Is A Cheap Shot At A Defenceless Man Who Is Now Deceased!”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

In a week where people decided it was time to overthrow an oppressive regime, the hecklerspray bedsit has been full of rumours that Editor Mof’s reign of terror might finally be coming to an end.

That was before we were all lashed to our typewriters and forced to hammer out words about Alfonso Ribeiro’s career and Kim Kardashian’s vagina. All in a week’s work.

Still, the time has come for us to dig our hands deep into the vomit-soaked correspondence satchel and find the best and worst of our readers’ views.

Readers’ Letters: “It's just another great gay brand damaged by stupid straight people.”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

Every week, the hecklerspray postbag overflows with the kind of putrid bile usually reserved for the Right Wing media telling people of different creeds, colours or sexual orientation how everything they’ve ever done or thought is filth which should be banned and then burned on a pyre while the ranks of middle England’s disaffected gentry dance around in sports jackets, caterwauling into the sky.

Of course, usually we love that kind of thing. All of you people coming over and telling us that we’re poor excuses for both “journalists” and “human beings” really gets us off.

That is to say, it really gets the editorial staff off and once they’ve reassured the writers enough that they stop crying floods of crocodile tears, they have a little fumble with themselves over people calling them “scum” and “Scrappy Doo”.

Readers’ Letters: The ‘Tom Hardy Thinks We’re Morons’ Special… Or Does He?

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s that time of the week again where we put on industrial strength rubber gloves, strap on our personal protective equipment, snap our goggles into place and go for a swim in the murky depths of the hecklerspray post bag. There really is nothing more refreshing on a muggy, humid day than going for a swim through the tepid bile that you lot spray out of your brains.

Unfortunately Editor Mof has been forced into mediating a disagreement between two hecklerspray writers which has already seen Kris Silver thrown into a pile of discarded post bags where- unfortunately- his left hand dissolved due to the build up of acid. In hindsight he’ll feel that suggesting to Paul Pencott that he take on the role of Kris’ “business hand” has been his worst professional decision to date.

Nevertheless, while they all engage in a fight to the death, let’s take a look at how many of you have suggested that we die in a fire this week.

Readers’ Letters: “We Are All Slithering Peons!”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

It’s been a really unfortunate week for everyone involved in hecklerspray. Not only have we been forced to listen to Amy Winehouse’s difficult “Belgrade Phase” on repeat by the editor, we’ve also had the misfortune of seeing JLo’s nipple slip projected on a screen every day since it came out, leading to an increase in burger consumption in the bedsit.

Of course, that doesn’t change your life so that means that it must be about time to trawl our dripping, faeces-stained post bag to see what our mentally disturbed readership has seen fit to submit for our perusal. No weekly chore fills us with more dread, we even include emptying Billy Gean’s ‘victim pit’ in that.

Unfortunately, this week’s Readers’ Letters is an amalgam of odd-ball, out of context ramblings and the witterings of the criminally insane. Unusually, this week hasn’t seen us inundated with Whines of Muse fans or Miseries of Michael Jackson fans, leaving us with the unintelligible muttering of dangerous, dangerous people as our only source of entertainment.

Readers’ Letters: “I HOPE THIS LITTLE PIECE OF SCUM GETS SUCH A BRAIN TUMOR”

August 7th, 2012 By Michael Park

This week your correspondence has made hecklerspray editor and professional shit-sifter Mof Gimmers so physically sick that he’s had to pass the baton on to an underling. An underling with a strong stomach.

The hecklerspray post bag has now reached the point where it is so festooned with manure that it has become a thriving ecosystem for a number of weird and wonderful creatures.

Unfortunately, that makes our weekly trawl through it a far more dangerous prospect than we ever thought possible. Oh well… here goes nothing.

Readers’ Letters: “its just racism as usual”

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello dear reader. How are you? Don’t answer that because we really couldn’t care less. Why? Well, we’re spuds-deep in the mailbag and, boy howdy, it is filled with human detritus once more. Some of you shouldn’t be allowed near a keyboard without a carer.

Of course, the same could be said of everyone here in the hecklerspray hell-hole, but until they come to take us away, you’re just going to have to put up with us.

So did we bother this week? Well, we’ve got something of a new entry this time around, with Whitney Houston fans running shrieking out of the woodwork and calling us all manner of names because we had the audacity to point out what a tremendous car-wreck ol’ Whitters is. One of them even thinks we’re dirty racists.

Readers’ Letters: Michael Jackson Fans Want Us Dead

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hello. Yes. You. The idiot that clicked onto hecklerspray and thought you might get something worthwhile. How are you? Don’t answer that because we don’t care. Why? We’re too busy being killed by insane Michael Jackson fans!

That’s right, after a little time out, Jacko’s fanbase once again decided to descend and tell us all how kind and inspirational the late singer was and is, while displaying amazing hatred, homophobia as well as making jokes about people with disabilities and wanting us to die.

This is obviously a message they got from Jackson’s ‘Heal The World’ song. Anyway, there were rants from other quarters to, so let us look at the bilge from the postbag.

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