The Sopranos Ending: No, Nobody In It Understands It Either

by Stuart Heritage

Over a week since it was broadcast, the world is still stunned, angry and confused about the anticlimactic final scene of the last episode of The Sopranos – but the good news is that none of the Sopranos cast have an effing clue about it either.

Although you’d expect that Sopranos bigwig David Chase would have explained to the cast of The Sopranos exactly why 86 hours of ever-growing tension ended with a preposterously cheesy piece of 1980s power ballad, a man looking at a door and ten seconds of blackness, it turns out that they’re in the dark as much as the rest of us, with even James Gandolfini – Tony Soprano himself – admitting that he’s more than a little stumped at the way the show ended. And he’s not the only one – personally we’re furious that the last scene of The Sopranos didn’t even begin to reveal if Tony Soprano and his family ever got off the island or if the smoke monster ate them or whatever.

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Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer Is Weekend Box Office Gold

by Stuart Heritage

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer is the number one movie at the weekend box office, making it the most successful opening box office movie starring a huge clod of angry shit since Steven Seagal’s Half Past Dead.

Although critics have derided Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer’s lack of creative integrity, pointing out that the movie does nothing more than shamelessly reduce a well-respected comic book franchise down until it only panders to the world’s stupidest children while existing merely as a promotional tool to sell reams and reams of dodgy Fantastic Four merchandise, future generations will come to see Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer’s box office victory as a historically important moment, in that – by reaching the weekend box office number one spot – Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer helped delay Jessica Alba making nothing but a string of low-budget made-for-TV erotic thrillers by up to two years.

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Rosie O’Donnell To Present The Price Is Right?

by Stuart Heritage

We’re not too proud to admit that we cry our own body weight in tears every single day that Rosie O’Donnell isn’t on TV – but Rosie might be making her comeback sooner than expected, as the cheery host of gameshow The Price Is Right.

Yes, The Price Is Right. Thanks to a comment by just-retired The Price Is Right host Bob Barker, it seems as if Rosie O’Donnell is first in line to replace him. That’s obnoxiously overbearing opinion-spewer Rosie O’Donnell – a woman who is only able to last a total of 3.2 nanoseconds without getting so angry about the war that her hair catches fire – presenting The Price Is Right, a lightheartedly materialistic knockabout gameshow known in this country for being presented by Joe Pasquale. Seriously, if Noam Chomsky hadn’t just been announced as the new host of Supermarket Sweep, we don’t know how we’d have coped with this news at all.

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SLACKERJACK – Tombdigger

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes even the simplest game becomes ridiculously hard if the speed gets cranked up so much that hesitating for even the smallest fraction of a second results in nothing but bloody instant death. Tombdigger is that game.

We’ve seen Time Team, so we’re fully aware that archaeology is painfully slow, but nobody told the makers of Tombdigger this. The point of Tombdigger is to jaunt around a level digging up treasure and avoiding all the underground zombies. That sounds easy enough, but Tombdigger hurtles around at such a lightning pace that the zombies are on top of you from the word go. You’ll need a strong heart and the reflexes of a cat to succeed at Tombdigger. As you may have guessed, we have neither.

Play Tombdigger now

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Rupert Everett Complains About Having To Get Dressed

by Chris Laverty

Loads of women lust after Hollywood chin-meister Rupert Everett, despite him being as gay as a My Little Pony theme pub. He’s an idle swine too. Heaven forbid he might actually have to wheel his giant mandible out of the front door and work for a living.

After lounging about in his four-poster bed eating grapes and reading off a sheet of paper into a microphone, the toughest thing Rupert Everett has had to do since recording his voice via satellite for Shrek 3 is put on a dress. He has been wearing said garment, not as you might expect for his own personal gratification, but for the part of Miss Fritton in a wretchedly pointless remake of a wretchedly pointless series of films first time around – St Trinian’s.

Everett remarked from his deathbed:

“It was really fun for the first two days, and then it became an absolute nightmare.”

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Lee Ryan: The Follow Up – He Called Us Bruv

by Chris Laverty

A few days ago Lee Ryan – formerly of boyband Blue, now just spends a lot of time on MySpace – called our boy Chris Laverty some nasty names. We called him some back. Now he’s got out of his pram.

Here’s the latest from Lee Ryan’s Official MySpace page:

am i making you famouse now??
its alright bruv milk it while you can, oh yeah about the whole spelling grammer thing “nice touch” im dyslexic, anything else you wanna say??
pathetic!!

Well we could mention the fact that Lee, in his own words, doesn’t ‘give a fuck’ about 2,973 people dying during 9/11. Funny, having a poke at his grammar seems somewhat less terrible after that.

Right, we’re off to buy some farmhouse milk.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Shabnam Out, Blokes In, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Due to a lack of Big Brother housemates deciding to suddenly become more racist than Oswald Mosley at the Black & White Minstrel museum, the first Big Brother eviction finally took place on Friday night, with Shabnam coming off worst.

Not that it was a surprise, though; spending 15 minutes watching Shabnam talk on Big Brother Live is like being attacked by a crying baby with a dentist’s drill. But, although getting of Shabnam must have seemed like a good idea at the time, now she gets to inflict her own brand of super-annoying ‘personality’ onto the whole world at large and not just people watching Big Brother. Smart move, dickheads. Friday also saw four new boys enter the Big Brother house – a laddy geezah, a laddy geezah, a laddy geezah and a 49-year-old millionaire. We’ll be dealing with those losers in the fullness of time, but first we need to start figuring out who’s actually going to win Big Brother.

So here are the Big Brother betting odds to win – for Charley, Nicky, Seany and Carole – with help from Paddy Power…

More…

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Crap bag = that’s from Friends, right? Not used enough in the UK.

Folded:

* Katie Hopkins (the new Diablo, reason for celibacy, ruddy face of Ambrose Wilson – a triumph of medical malfunction)

* My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four for its second series. Good stuff)

* Singing the lyrics “How can people get love… so wrong?” to the theme from Dances With Wolves. (don’t ask because you really, really don’t want to know)

* Rum (there are some really nice ones about for £20-30. All a bit Pirates, but sod it they taste nice)

* Michelle Mone (it’s a power thing. Christ, is it a power thing)

Creased:

* No more Apprentice (so, that’s it then – Big Brother)

* My Name is Earl (back on Channel Four at 10.00 pm on a Thursday? Rotten)

* Botany 500 (the clowns responsible Quincy’s big collars and baggy zippers)

* Lee Ryan (who?)

* Google (…know when you take a crap. Sort of. Worrying)

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CD Review: Soft Hearted Scientists, Take Time To Wonder In A Whirling World

by Stuart Heritage

We thought we had Soft Hearted Scientists pegged you know. The band’s last album, Uncanny Tales From The Everyday Undergrowth was a diverting listen bogged down by useless production and self-conscious dope-addled wackiness.

So it was reasonable for us to assume that Take Time To Wonder In A Whirling World would be more of the same. Not in the slightest, though – for Take Time To Wonder In A Whirling World, Soft Hearted Scientists have reigned in some of their more tiresomely studentish instincts and come up with an ambitious, spaced-out collection of songs that put them in line for the title of the British Flaming Lips.

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MySpace Trawl – Dextro

by Matthew Laidlow

Another week, another trawl – or something like that, as we delve once again into the often confusing world of MySpace music.

Not a week goes by when someone doesn’t try to whore themselves out to us by saying they’re the best thing since spreadable butter, or something equally as fascinating. Though we do manage to sieve out the good from the bad, awful and the downright delusional artists to bring you songs that don’t sing about umbrellas or other useful household objects. Sadly, Lee Ryan will not be featured this week as we don’t recommend former manufactured bell-end boy band members who send packs of 11-year-old girls after us. Instead, we bestow the honour to Dextro. Someone who doesn’t need to be paraded around every shite gossip magazine to make a name for himself. His music does the talking.

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