No Dinner For OJ Simpson, Says Kentucky Steakhouse

by Stuart Heritage

OJ Simpson has been through a lot; accused of murdering his ex-wife and her friend, dragged through an endless civil trial, forced to pay millions of dollars to the victim’s father – and now OJ Simpson can’t even go to a restaurant for his tea.

It’s been reported that the owner of a restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky refused to serve OJ Simpson or his entourage any food last week because of the way that OJ Simpson has behaved in the wake of the murders he stood trial for. But OJ Simpson isn’t going to take the snub lying down – he has plans to try and strip the restaurant of its liquor license, sue the owner of the restaurant and quickly pen a book entitled If I Did Eat This Steak, Here’s How Much Food Poisoning I’d Have Got From The Rancid Meat That Bunch Of Jokers Use.

11 comments Read more >>>

MySpace Trawl – How Not To Do It

by Matthew Laidlow

Nope, this isn’t us giving you the name of an ironically-titled band. After nearly a year of bringing you the best in what undiscovered gems the internet has to offer, we thought we’d show you how bad some music out there really is.

Don’t ever base yourselves on some bloke called The Product. Described on his MySpace page as punk punk punk, it actually is shit shit shit. It doesn’t seem like much time or effort has been put in to any of these four piss-poor tracks. All of which are available to download by the way, probably because they are so shambolic that no-one in their right mind would bother forking over any money for them. If someone gave us the money we’d rather swallow the cash instead of spending it on this tripe. Even if the coins don’t have chocolate in them, we’ll still try and eat some before choking to death on our own vomit.

Nope, this isn’t us giving you the name of an ironically-titled band. After nearly a year of bringing you the best in what undiscovered gems the internet has to offer, we thought we’d show you how bad some music out there really is. Don’t ever base yourselves on some bloke called The Product. Described on his MySpace page as punk punk punk, it actually is shit shit shit. It doesn’t seem like much time or effort has been put in to any of these four piss-poor tracks. All of which are available to download by the way, probably because they are so shambolic that no-one in their right mind would bother forking over any money for them. If someone gave us the money we’d rather swallow the cash instead of spending it on this tripe. Even if the coins don’t have chocolate in them, we’ll still try and eat some before choking to death on our own vomit.
7 comments Read more >>>

Akon Sorry For Dry-Humping Underage Pastor’s Daughter

by Stuart Heritage

The world of etiquette is a tricky one to navigate sometimes. Take Akon, for example – last month he spent a full minute of a concert in Trinidad violently dry-humping the 15-year-old daughter of a pastor, which some circles see as quite the faux pas.

And thanks to the wonders of YouTube, videos of Akon furiously pumping his groin against a child’s crotch were seen around the world within minutes. This Akon humping video has dismayed Verizon Communications, which quickly pulled out of sponsoring Akon’s Sweet Escape tour with Gwen Stefani, and now Akon has issued a humble apology over the matter. From now on, Akon says the only daughters of pastors that he’ll disturbingly mimic violent sexual intercourse with in front of thousands of screaming fans will be at least 18 years old where available.

The world of etiquette is a tricky one to navigate sometimes. Take Akon, for example - last month he spent a full minute of a concert in Trinidad violently dry-humping the 15-year-old daughter of a pastor, which some circles see as quite the faux pas. And thanks to the wonders of YouTube, videos of Akon furiously pumping his groin against a child's crotch were seen around the world within minutes. This Akon humping video has dismayed Verizon Communications, which quickly pulled out of sponsoring Akon's Sweet Escape tour with Gwen Stefani, and now Akon has issued a humble apology over the matter. From now on, Akon says the only daughters of pastors that he'll disturbingly mimic violent sexual intercourse with in front of thousands of screaming fans will be at least 18 years old where available.
26 comments Read more >>>

You There – Go On Big Brother’s Big Mouth

by Stuart Heritage

There are only a couple of weeks left until the new series of Big Brother cranks up on Channel 4, and that means three solid months of watching a swarm of self-absorbed nobsacks angrily bicker amongst themselves about rice. Perfect.

As always, we’ll be pumping you full of Big Brother betting odds every single day that the godforsaken thing is on the telly, but here’s the chance for you to get in on the Big Brother act. The good folks/ evil youth-controlling overlords at Big Brother producers Endemol have gotten in touch to find people who can appear on this series of Big Brother’s Big Mouth, the show where the day’s Big Brother events are discussed by a room full of opinionated young pups and, occasionally, one of Dick And Dom. Here’s what we have:

It’s a free night’s entertainment open to anyone over 18, and is a great opportunity to be part of the Big Brother action. We’ll be shooting five nights a week from the end of May for 3 months… We are looking for opinionated people to be part of this year’s Big Brother’s Big Mouth! This year we have a bigger show, more presenters and want a bigger, mouthier audience to match!

And if that hasn’t got you interested, bear this in mind – Russell Brand won’t be presenting Big Brother’s Big Mouth this year, so you can go on the telly safe in the knowledge that a skinny faux-Dickensian goth won’t try to have sex with you the second filming ends.

If you’re interested in appearing on this year’s Big Brother’s Big Mouth, drop us a line telling us why you’d be great at it to hecklerspray[AT]gmail.com and we’ll pass your emails on to the Endemol people. Good luck.

There are only a couple of weeks left until the new series of Big Brother cranks up on Channel 4, and that means three solid months of watching a swarm of self-absorbed nobsacks angrily bicker amongst themselves about rice. Perfect. As always, we'll be pumping you full of Big Brother betting odds every single day that the godforsaken thing is on the telly, but here's the chance for you to get in on the Big Brother act. The good folks/ evil youth-controlling overlords at Big Brother producers Endemol have gotten in touch to find people who can appear on this series of Big Brother's Big Mouth, the show where the day's Big Brother events are discussed by a room full of opinionated young pups and, occasionally, one of Dick And Dom. Here's what we have: It's a free night's entertainment open to anyone over 18, and is a great opportunity to be part of the Big Brother action. We'll be shooting five nights a week from the end of May for 3 months... We are looking for opinionated people to be part of this year's Big Brother's Big Mouth! This year we have a bigger show, more presenters and want a bigger, mouthier audience to match! And if that hasn't got you interested, bear this in mind - Russell Brand won't be presenting Big Brother's Big Mouth this year, so you can go on the telly safe in the knowledge that a skinny faux-Dickensian goth won't try to have sex with you the second filming ends. If you're interested in appearing on this year's Big Brother's Big Mouth, drop us a line telling us why you'd be great at it to hecklerspray[AT]gmail.com and we'll pass your emails on to the Endemol people. Good luck.
0 comments Read more >>>

Paris Hilton Gets Her Inevitable Prison Death Threats

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton must be terrified of going to jail right now – not only is being locked in a room for 23 hours a day with a burly monobrowed tattooed violent kidnapper totally not hot, but all the other inmates seem to want to kill Paris Hilton too.

According to reports, the reason why Paris Hilton is furiously windmilling to try and get her 45-day jail sentence pardoned by Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t because she’s a flaky waste of skin who has singularly failed to accomplish anything with her life apart from wanking off a bloke on the internet. No, the real reason for Paris Hilton’s desire to be pardoned is that she’s been flooded with death threats by angry female prisoners. Prisoners who want her shoes. Oh, the humanity.

20 comments Read more >>>

Phil Spector Murder Trial: More Cheeky Gun-Pulling Claims

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a lesson to be learnt from the Phil Spector murder trial – and that’s to always sleep with Phil Spector whenever he asks you to; because if you don’t he might pull a gun on you, and that means wasting a day in court talking about it later on.

The number of women who have now used the Phil Spector murder trial to testify that Phil Spector pulled a gun on them when they decided they didn’t want to sleep with him has now risen to four, after Stephanie Jennings and Melissa Grosvenor took to the stand yesterday. By our reckoning that just leaves one more woman who claims that Phil Spector pulled a gun on her, after which the murder trial can move onto something else – a blessed relief, because hearing how an elderly man with crazy hair threatened to kill a woman if she didn’t sleep with him once is kind of exciting, but five times? Boy, is that ever a yawn.

There's a lesson to be learnt from the Phil Spector murder trial - and that's to always sleep with Phil Spector whenever he asks you to; because if you don't he might pull a gun on you, and that means wasting a day in court talking about it later on. The number of women who have now used the Phil Spector murder trial to testify that Phil Spector pulled a gun on them when they decided they didn't want to sleep with him has now risen to four, after Stephanie Jennings and Melissa Grosvenor took to the stand yesterday. By our reckoning that just leaves one more woman who claims that Phil Spector pulled a gun on her, after which the murder trial can move onto something else - a blessed relief, because hearing how an elderly man with crazy hair threatened to kill a woman if she didn't sleep with him once is kind of exciting, but five times? Boy, is that ever a yawn.
2 comments Read more >>>

SLACKERJACK – War On Folvos

by Stuart Heritage

War On Folvos is a game that some of you are going to love – and we’re guessing you’ll love War On Folvos if you’re a boy and you’ve ever been inside a branch of Games Workshop non-ironically. Folvos, for Christ’s sake.

As you may have guessed, War On Folvos is a game about fighting. The sort of fighting that’d make teenage geeks fall over and swallow their own tongues. We can’t even pretend to do War On Folvos justice, so here’s what the game has to say for itself:

War on Folvos is a turn-based strategy game set in a dark, war-torn future. Lead your futuristic army to victory through tons of awesome battles as the epic story unfolds. You will command an entire army consisting of various military units, and will need to master large battlefields in order to emerge victorious. Pick up War on Folvos and become the one true Commander!

And War On Folvos is turn-based, too! The only thing stopping War On Folvos from being perfect is the ability to assemble and paint it at home yourself.

Order War On Folvos Now

Download War On Folvos

War On Folvos is a game that some of you are going to love - and we're guessing you'll love War On Folvos if you're a boy and you've ever been inside a branch of Games Workshop non-ironically. Folvos, for Christ's sake. As you may have guessed, War On Folvos is a game about fighting. The sort of fighting that'd make teenage geeks fall over and swallow their own tongues. We can't even pretend to do War On Folvos justice, so here's what the game has to say for itself: War on Folvos is a turn-based strategy game set in a dark, war-torn future. Lead your futuristic army to victory through tons of awesome battles as the epic story unfolds. You will command an entire army consisting of various military units, and will need to master large battlefields in order to emerge victorious. Pick up War on Folvos and become the one true Commander! And War On Folvos is turn-based, too! The only thing stopping War On Folvos from being perfect is the ability to assemble and paint it at home yourself. Order War On Folvos Now Download War On Folvos
0 comments Read more >>>

Now Lily Allen Tries To Hawk Her Own Clothing Line

by Stuart Heritage

First Madonna then Kate Moss and now Lily Allen – this celebrity-designed clothing line fad is getting silly, although we will admit a certain degree of excitement about the forthcoming collection that Scatman John designed exclusively for Pound Shop.

But until that fateful day, we have to put up with Lily Allen making clothes for New Look instead. The Lily Loves collection was launched yesterday, comprised of six dresses, a few shoes and a couple of rings. Although why we’re telling you this is beyond us since a) compared to Topshop’s launch of the Kate Moss collection last week Lily’s launch was a bit of a fart in a hurricane and b) the last time we went into a New Look was when we were teenagers and all the cheap clothes, squawking girls and loud music scared the shit out of us, so that probably goes the same for you.

First Madonna then Kate Moss and now Lily Allen - this celebrity-designed clothing line fad is getting silly, although we will admit a certain degree of excitement about the forthcoming collection that Scatman John designed exclusively for Pound Shop. But until that fateful day, we have to put up with Lily Allen making clothes for New Look instead. The Lily Loves collection was launched yesterday, comprised of six dresses, a few shoes and a couple of rings. Although why we're telling you this is beyond us since a) compared to Topshop's launch of the Kate Moss collection last week Lily's launch was a bit of a fart in a hurricane and b) the last time we went into a New Look was when we were teenagers and all the cheap clothes, squawking girls and loud music scared the shit out of us, so that probably goes the same for you.
4 comments Read more >>>

Coleen McLoughlin Expands Pointless ‘Career’

by C J Davies

Checkout-girl-who-got-lucky Coleen McLoughlin has been busy of late.

Not only does she have the arduous task of stopping her simpleton boyfriend Wayne Rooney from sticking his Neanderthal wee-wee into elderly ladies, she’s also got a lot of money to make. Coleen, you see, has got a bit tired from leeching off Rooney’s utterly worthless career, and has decided to take the leap into carving out an utterly worthless career of her own.

Coleen has revealed that she’s ‘busy working’ on her own ‘fragrance and beauty’ line, having scribbled her name (possibly with a nice big ‘X’ rather than those nasty words) on a contract which offers:

…a reported £10-million deal which looks set to confirm her fashion icon status and boost her earning power even closer to that of her soccer star beau.

0 comments Read more >>>

Eurovision Betting Odds 2007: Switzerland & Turkey

by Stuart Heritage

***We’re liveblogging Eurovision! Here! 8pm! Saturday***

This is it – the penultimate day of our third annual Eurovision betting odds run-down. It’s been a long hard slog, but you’ve done well, and on Saturday your efforts will be rewarded with three solid hours of bad European pop and wildly indiscriminate voting.

You could just sit around on your own watching Eurovision on Saturday night, you know, or possibly go to one of those flash Eurovision parties that we don’t think anybody actually has – but if you want the full dosage of Eurovision fun, be sure to come back to hecklerspray during Eurovision to read our Eurovision liveblog. Live! As it happens! If nothing else it’ll be somewhere to avert your eyes to when that Georgian woman starts twatting about in that ridiculous skirt.

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Switzerland and Turkey, with help from Paddy Power…

***We're liveblogging Eurovision! Here! 8pm! Saturday*** This is it - the penultimate day of our third annual Eurovision betting odds run-down. It's been a long hard slog, but you've done well, and on Saturday your efforts will be rewarded with three solid hours of bad European pop and wildly indiscriminate voting. You could just sit around on your own watching Eurovision on Saturday night, you know, or possibly go to one of those flash Eurovision parties that we don't think anybody actually has - but if you want the full dosage of Eurovision fun, be sure to come back to hecklerspray during Eurovision to read our Eurovision liveblog. Live! As it happens! If nothing else it'll be somewhere to avert your eyes to when that Georgian woman starts twatting about in that ridiculous skirt. Here are the Eurovision betting odds for Switzerland and Turkey, with help from Paddy Power...
4 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →