It’s The Second Annual Eurovision Liveblog! Hooray!

by Stuart Heritage

Here we go again – it's time for the now-traditional hecklerspray Eurovision liveblog, where weeks of writing endlessly about a stupid pan-continental singing competition culminates with, um, more writing about a stupid pan-continental singing competition.  As soon as Eurovision kicks off we're going to dive right into it, giving you a blow-by-blow commentary on all [...]

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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

The orangutan-a-hall of fame.

Folded:

* The Genius of Paris Hilton (formally a vision in pink, soon to be a vision in orange. She’ll spin this faster than a whirligig)

* Playing ‘spot the soundtrack’ during The Apprentice (normally a mix of Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Fight Club and The Thomas Crown Affair. Passes the time during those quiet bits)

* Iron Man’s comedy suit (these photos from the upcoming moving of the same name are supposed to be exciting. They are, in fact, hi-larious – and he flies, too!)

* Prison Break 2 (we were wrong about this first time around, as it’s actually moving along rather nicely. A different, albeit daft, surprise every week)

* Nick Hewer (brilliant fun whenever he’s on The Apprentice: You’re Fired! Give this man his own fifteen minutes, now)

Creased:

* Short weeks (like this one. Getting you excited that they might all be short weeks. But they’re not. They go on forever)

* Cascada (cascade of crap more like. No? Nobody like that one?)

* The lack of Ben and Jerry’s flavours available in the UK (there’s about, like, eight or something – and one of them is flippin’ vanilla)

* T4’s Steve Jones (ball bag with an accent)

* Annoying 4oD adverts urging us to watch all our ‘favourite programmes’ whenever we like on the net (watching TV on your computer is like reading a magazine on your laptop, diverting but just not the same)

The orangutan-a-hall of fame. Folded: * The Genius of Paris Hilton (formally a vision in pink, soon to be a vision in orange. She’ll spin this faster than a whirligig) * Playing ‘spot the soundtrack’ during The Apprentice (normally a mix of Ocean’s Eleven, Ocean’s Twelve, Fight Club and The Thomas Crown Affair. Passes the time during those quiet bits) * Iron Man’s comedy suit (these photos from the upcoming moving of the same name are supposed to be exciting. They are, in fact, hi-larious – and he flies, too!) * Prison Break 2 (we were wrong about this first time around, as it’s actually moving along rather nicely. A different, albeit daft, surprise every week) * Nick Hewer (brilliant fun whenever he's on The Apprentice: You’re Fired! Give this man his own fifteen minutes, now) Creased: * Short weeks (like this one. Getting you excited that they might all be short weeks. But they’re not. They go on forever) * Cascada (cascade of crap more like. No? Nobody like that one?) * The lack of Ben and Jerry’s flavours available in the UK (there’s about, like, eight or something – and one of them is flippin’ vanilla) * T4’s Steve Jones (ball bag with an accent) * Annoying 4oD adverts urging us to watch all our ‘favourite programmes’ whenever we like on the net (watching TV on your computer is like reading a magazine on your laptop, diverting but just not the same)
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Phil Spector Apparently Quite Weird On Murder Night

by Stuart Heritage

So far all the Phil Spector murder trial has really taught us is that Phil Spector likes to wave guns in people’s faces, Phil Spector’s lawyer has been a bit ill and Phil Spector is the finest connoisseur of practical lesbian-styled wigs in the land.

But one question had been left unanswered – what was Phil Spector like on the night that B-movie actress Lana Clarkson died from a gunshot to the mouth? That question was neatly answered in part yesterday by Rommie Davis, a friend of Phil Spector who was out with the music producer on the evening that Lana Clarkson died. According to Rommie Davis, Phil Spector was combing alcohol and medication that night or, as she termed it, “a lethal combination.” Reports that the utterance of word “lethal” was accompanied in court by a lightning strike and a burst of sinister-sounding organ music are still unconfirmed.

So far all the Phil Spector murder trial has really taught us is that Phil Spector likes to wave guns in people's faces, Phil Spector's lawyer has been a bit ill and Phil Spector is the finest connoisseur of practical lesbian-styled wigs in the land. But one question had been left unanswered - what was Phil Spector like on the night that B-movie actress Lana Clarkson died from a gunshot to the mouth? That question was neatly answered in part yesterday by Rommie Davis, a friend of Phil Spector who was out with the music producer on the evening that Lana Clarkson died. According to Rommie Davis, Phil Spector was combing alcohol and medication that night or, as she termed it, "a lethal combination." Reports that the utterance of word "lethal" was accompanied in court by a lightning strike and a burst of sinister-sounding organ music are still unconfirmed.
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Angelina Jolie Pleased That Brad Pitt Knocked Her Up

by Stuart Heritage

For someone who always complains about press intrusion into her personal life, Angelina Jolie doesn’t half spend a lot of time talking about her personal life to the press – like telling Reader’s Digest about how deliberate it was when she got pregnant.

According to a new interview, Angelina Jolie has made it clear that she absolutely intended to fall pregnant with baby Shiloh Nouvel last year, saying that the sight of Brad Pitt playing with her adopted kids made her want to get pregnant. It’s a beautiful story, that’s for sure, and it’s a lot sweeter than Angelina Jolie admitting that she wanted to get knocked up as fast as possible just to piss Jennifer Aniston off. Not that we’re saying that’s true of course, although it probably is.

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More Terminator Films On The Way For Some Reason

by C J Davies

If there’s one thing that hecklerspray loves, it’s watching a musclebound pensioner pretending to be a killer robot in an ill-thought-out and unnecessary action film.

It’s clear from this, then, that we believed Terminator 3 to be quite possibly the greatest film in the world – and completely disagreed with any of those ‘critic’ types who claimed it was shambling, pointless, badly-written and generally cack.

Those Hollywood types haven’t paid attention to the drubbing the last Terminator instalment received, however. Oh, no – they’ve only gone and announced plans for three more of the bloody things. Unfortunately, none of these new instalments will feature creaky and increasingly hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role, which means that we point-blank won’t be interested… we’ll probably all be watching Pirates Of The Caribbean 13: Keira Knightley Learns To Act instead.

If there's one thing that hecklerspray loves, it's watching a musclebound pensioner pretending to be a killer robot in an ill-thought-out and unnecessary action film. It's clear from this, then, that we believed Terminator 3 to be quite possibly the greatest film in the world - and completely disagreed with any of those 'critic' types who claimed it was shambling, pointless, badly-written and generally cack. Those Hollywood types haven't paid attention to the drubbing the last Terminator instalment received, however. Oh, no - they've only gone and announced plans for three more of the bloody things. Unfortunately, none of these new instalments will feature creaky and increasingly hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role, which means that we point-blank won't be interested... we'll probably all be watching Pirates Of The Caribbean 13: Keira Knightley Learns To Act instead.
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Michael Moore Goes To Cuba, Gets Told Off

by Stuart Heritage

On the basis that we’ve listened to the Buena Vista Social Club CD once and we’d like to see what an authentic non-pikey mojito tastes like, we want to visit Cuba – and if we do, chances are we won’t get in as much trouble as Michael Moore.

Michael Moore is making a new documentary about medicine and stuff entitled Sicko, and part of the film apparently sees Moore and a bunch of 9/11 victims go to Cuba to party down, Havana-style. Or something. Anyway, now the American government has launched an investigation into what Michael Moore was doing in Cuba in the first place, since it looks like his trip was unauthorised. All this means that Michael Moore could face a punishment of up to ten years in jail, which would surely be a blow for everyone who mostly agrees with the points Michael Moore films make in principle even though they sort of wish the obese pretend blue-collar millionaire would stop blathering on so self-righteously all the pissing time.

On the basis that we've listened to the Buena Vista Social Club CD once and we'd like to see what an authentic non-pikey mojito tastes like, we want to visit Cuba - and if we do, chances are we won't get in as much trouble as Michael Moore. Michael Moore is making a new documentary about medicine and stuff entitled Sicko, and part of the film apparently sees Moore and a bunch of 9/11 victims go to Cuba to party down, Havana-style. Or something. Anyway, now the American government has launched an investigation into what Michael Moore was doing in Cuba in the first place, since it looks like his trip was unauthorised. All this means that Michael Moore could face a punishment of up to ten years in jail, which would surely be a blow for everyone who mostly agrees with the points Michael Moore films make in principle even though they sort of wish the obese pretend blue-collar millionaire would stop blathering on so self-righteously all the pissing time.
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SLACKERJACK – Dare Devil

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the Nicolas Cage films to have been released lately, the one that’s done the best hasn’t been the future-seeing one or the bear-dressing woman-punching one, but the head-burning, motorbike-jumping one.

And that’s sort of what Dare Devil is about, although with a lot less head-burning. Dare Devil is a stunt-bike sim, where you have to pull off as many stunts as you can while jumping over fire between two ramps. Timing is key if you want to be a success at Dare Devil – keep a stunt going for a microsecond too long and you’ll fall off your bike and get booed by an angry swarm of rednecks. But perform a stunt well enough and you’ll be given money to fix your bike up even further, allowing you to do even more dumb shit that scares your mother senseless, you selfish bastard.

Play Dare Devil now

Of all the Nicolas Cage films to have been released lately, the one that's done the best hasn't been the future-seeing one or the bear-dressing woman-punching one, but the head-burning, motorbike-jumping one. And that's sort of what Dare Devil is about, although with a lot less head-burning. Dare Devil is a stunt-bike sim, where you have to pull off as many stunts as you can while jumping over fire between two ramps. Timing is key if you want to be a success at Dare Devil - keep a stunt going for a microsecond too long and you'll fall off your bike and get booed by an angry swarm of rednecks. But perform a stunt well enough and you'll be given money to fix your bike up even further, allowing you to do even more dumb shit that scares your mother senseless, you selfish bastard. Play Dare Devil now
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Hear New Mendoza Line Stuff For Free

by C J Davies

You know what the Mendoza Line is?

It’s ‘an informal term used in baseball for when a player’s batting average falls below .200, considered the boundary between extremely poor and merely below-average offensive players’.

Want to know what an even better definition of the Mendoza Line is? They’re a quite wonderful pop-Americana collective whose last record Full Of Light And Full Of Fire was referred to in certain quarters as ‘one of the best albums of the decade’.

They’re also ardently supported by famed US music writer Greil Marcus – someone whose work has revolutionised the field of pop-culture criticism. Although – unlike hecklerspray – he hasn’t invented the term ‘nobsack’ and then tried his hardest to include it in every article he ever published. So we’re still, like, a billion times better, and that.

Anyway. The Mendoza Line. They are great and – if you’d like to hear a sneak peek of their upcoming double CD 30 Year Low, which marks a definite turning point for the group – then you can do so by clicking on the link below.

Do so.

Hear New Mendoza Line Stuff Here

You know what the Mendoza Line is? It's 'an informal term used in baseball for when a player's batting average falls below .200, considered the boundary between extremely poor and merely below-average offensive players'. Want to know what an even better definition of the Mendoza Line is? They're a quite wonderful pop-Americana collective whose last record Full Of Light And Full Of Fire was referred to in certain quarters as 'one of the best albums of the decade'. They're also ardently supported by famed US music writer Greil Marcus - someone whose work has revolutionised the field of pop-culture criticism. Although - unlike hecklerspray - he hasn't invented the term 'nobsack' and then tried his hardest to include it in every article he ever published. So we're still, like, a billion times better, and that. Anyway. The Mendoza Line. They are great and - if you'd like to hear a sneak peek of their upcoming double CD 30 Year Low, which marks a definite turning point for the group - then you can do so by clicking on the link below. Do so. Hear New Mendoza Line Stuff Here
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Sting & Sting’s Wife Get Mauled in Court By Sting’s Chef

by Stuart Heritage

As bad as life can be, at least we can look ourselves in the eye and know in our heart of hearts that we’ve never been paid to cook food for Sting – but at the same time, we’ve never experienced the joy of making Sting look foolish in court.

That makes Jane Martin the target of both our sympathy and our neverending respect. Jane Martin used to be Sting and Trudie Styler’s chef, you see, until she became pregnant. After that, Jane Martin claims she was systematically forced out of her job by the crashingly self-important singer and his awful rah-rah wife. So she took Sting and Styler to court for unfair dismissal and sexual harassment, and has now won what’s expected to be a substantial payout. That’s the good news – the bad news is that Sting might try to redress his bank balance by releasing another piss-poor album of dreary lute wank.

As bad as life can be, at least we can look ourselves in the eye and know in our heart of hearts that we've never been paid to cook food for Sting - but at the same time, we've never experienced the joy of making Sting look foolish in court. That makes Jane Martin the target of both our sympathy and our neverending respect. Jane Martin used to be Sting and Trudie Styler's chef, you see, until she became pregnant. After that, Jane Martin claims she was systematically forced out of her job by the crashingly self-important singer and his awful rah-rah wife. So she took Sting and Styler to court for unfair dismissal and sexual harassment, and has now won what's expected to be a substantial payout. That's the good news - the bad news is that Sting might try to redress his bank balance by releasing another piss-poor album of dreary lute wank.
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Eurovision Betting Odds 2007: Ukraine & UK

by Stuart Heritage

***Come here tomorrow evening for all the Eurovision liveblogging you can stuff your gullet with***

This is finally it – after three billion years of these Eurovision betting odds, the Eurovision Song Contest finally takes place tomorrow night – so to tie things up we’re going to be looking at this year’s godawful UK Eurovision entry by Scooch.

Before that, though, let’s look back on all these Eurovision betting odds. We’ve covered a wide variety of music over the last month; awful songs, bad songs, good songs and… oh, who are we kidding? None of them have been good. But most of them have at least been entertaining. Oh, that’s not true either. Look, the majority of Eurovision songs have been useless, but don’t let that stop you from placing a bet on the winner of Eurovision will you?

Here are the Eurovision betting odds for the Ukraine and the UK, with help from Paddy Power…

***Come here tomorrow evening for all the Eurovision liveblogging you can stuff your gullet with*** This is finally it - after three billion years of these Eurovision betting odds, the Eurovision Song Contest finally takes place tomorrow night - so to tie things up we're going to be looking at this year's godawful UK Eurovision entry by Scooch. Before that, though, let's look back on all these Eurovision betting odds. We've covered a wide variety of music over the last month; awful songs, bad songs, good songs and... oh, who are we kidding? None of them have been good. But most of them have at least been entertaining. Oh, that's not true either. Look, the majority of Eurovision songs have been useless, but don't let that stop you from placing a bet on the winner of Eurovision will you? Here are the Eurovision betting odds for the Ukraine and the UK, with help from Paddy Power...
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