Gossip for grown-ups
If there's one thing that men find sexy, it's women who star in harrowing films about injured female boxers who commit suicide by chewing their own tongue off - just ask Hilary Swank. At the start of this year Hilary Swank decided to split up with her husband, whose name she usually had trouble remembering. And, just nine short months after this harrowing upheaval tore her life apart, Hilary Swank has now been pictured in the arms of another man. The slightly mannish-looking harridan!
It's a solid gold fact that nobody understands how hard it is being Pete Doherty. All that going out with Kate Moss and playing knackered old guitars like a dirty busker is harder than it looks, you know. However, even filthy-fingernailed, blood-squirting, supermodel-kissing morons need some good news in their lives, and now is Pete Doherty's turn to get some. Kind of. A judge has decided not to send Pete Doherty to prison for pleading guilty to all kinds of drug charges last month. But the judge said that Pete could still go to prison in December if he doesn't buck his ideas up and write some decent songs for once in his miserable life. OK, the songs bit we made up - but it really would have been the perfect opportunity to tell him.
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Cryptozoology One might think that if France ever got its own monster, it wouldn't be overly intimidating. Maybe a giant strawberry-filled crepe wandering the countryside squirting farmers with its delicious pink innards, or maybe it would be a really angry smurf. Such simple expectations would be dead wrong, as French folklore has The Beast of Gévaudan - a bloodthirsty wolf-like creature said to be the size of a cow, with an unending taste for women and children. The death tolls of those two groups alone surpasses 80.
Geri Halliwell - or Ginger Spice or That Woman Who Won't Go Away, as she's more commonly known - is claiming that a golf club worker hit her three month old baby. While child abuse, alleged or not, is in no way a funny subject, we'd like to point out that Geri Halliwell had maybe better get used to it, since as soon as her daughter starts school she's bound to be the victim of all kinds of horrible abuse. But then again, that's sort of what happens when you give a kid a shit name like Bluebell Madonna, isn't it?
Usually a story about a lesbian three-way would excite every single slightly grubby man in the world, but not this one - it's a story about a lesbian in a three-way car crash. But you can always dream can't you, you filthy pervert. At the weekend, Ellen DeGeneres managed to find herself caught in the middle of a three-car crash in Los Angeles that was suspected to have been caused by a drink-driver. However, Ellen DeGeneres escaped from the car crash with only very slight injuries, which is good news for her but still doesn't cover up the fact that her 1990s sitcom wasn't very good.
Rarely in the overtly smug - yet strangely insecure - world of Hollywood has there been a spat as legendary as the one between Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields over eating tablets that make you want to kill your baby less. However, Brooke Shields isn't the kind of woman to let old wounds fester. She isn't the kind of woman who makes films good enough to be allowed on talk shows very much either, so when she was finally invited onto the Jay Leno show, Brooke Shields couldn't help but carp on about the time when Tom Cruise felt so bad for his loopy, Brooke-slagging TV performance that he went round to her house to say sorry with a delicious cake shaped like a giant Paxil. Or something like that anyway.
Oh look, we're just going to come right on out and say it - Star Cruiser rocks our jaded world like hardly any games have in the past, and we're not even sure why. All you have to do in Star Cruiser is fly around a series of locations in a cute little spaceship. And that's it. Of course, you need to fly your little star cruiser into energy and fuel boxes to keep its condition in tip-top order, and occasionally you might have to fire a missile to kill a non-threatening baddie ...
There are lots of pointless things in life, men’s nipples for example. But the most pointless object in the world is Paris Hilton. She’s famous for doing absolute nothing apart from being lucky enough to be born in to a family who own a lucrative chain of hotels. Oh and be very rich and ponce around at posh people's parties that we’re not invited to. And - most recently - making music that would even make Supernanny lash out in an uncontrollable frenzy of violence. But help is at hand; graffiti artist Banksy has been busying himself doctoring Paris Hilton CDs and replacing all her music with a handy dandy pisstake remix CD.
