Gossip for grown-ups
Oh thank God - the next action-packed episode of X Factor is just a day away now. We were getting so deprived of idiots to laugh at that we nearly came round your house to ask your Mum to sing Roll Out The Barrel for us. But instead, we're just going to sit tight in front of our TV and wait for X Factor - or Ha Ha Funny Disabled Singers Hour as its known round these parts - to come on and soothe us. Although X Factor is still in the funny/cruel opening section of the series, sooner or later you're going to have to vote on who wins X Factor, and by doing that you'll be choosing the winning X Factor manager too. We've already looked at the X Factor betting odds for Louis Walsh and Sharon Osbourne, but now its time for the head honcho. Here are the X Factor betting odds for Simon Cowell to become the winning X Factor manager...
David Lynch is a very important man in the world of cinema, and an even more important man in the world of making people feel like their brains have gone 12 rounds with an electric whisk after watching his films. The Venice Film Festival has recognised this bizarre attribute in David Lynch and has rewarded him in kind, presenting him last night with a Golden Lion Lifetime Achievement award for continuing to make films that just don't make any sodding sense for 30 years. Reports that David Lynch was handed the award by a midget who only talks backwards and might be a secret evil lesbian are unconfirmed.
As regular as clockwork, it's time for hecklerspray’s MySpace Trawl - where we guide you towards music that’s good for you and keep you away from all the rubbish that seems to get all the attention in the pop charts. We’ve decided this week to look at a style of music we haven’t focused on for a while. This week’s band are Emmet, who hail from the sunny north-west of England. Emmet are a fusion of electronica, techno and house all smashed together to produce sounds that would definitely get you up and dancing on a Friday or Saturday night.
The idea of free music usually sends fear into the ponytailed, Wayfarer and jeans and jacket-wearing hearts of the music industry, but it looks like EMI are going to make an exception with Spiralfrog. EMI has just signed up its roster for the new free legal music downloads service Spiralfrog, meaning that fans will be soon be able to download songs by folks like Eminem and Arctic Monkeys without a) helping to buy Steve Jobs a brand new diamond-encrusted space submarine or b) funding Russian terrorism by illegally downloading like that bloke tells you happens every year at the Grammys.
Big nods to our sponsors Gillette, who as you probably know have launched the world's first six blade razor. We haven't actually seen one yet, but the PR guys have been banging on about the technology. Apparently five blades are squeezed very close together on the head - much closer than on previous Gillette razors - which ultimately makes for a more comfortable shave. There's also a bonus blade on the back which is designed for those technicians who like to chip away at their facial hair to create artistic ...
You'd have been forgiven in the past if you'd assumed that Bob Dylan was mostly famous for his radio shows and the way he complains about youngsters like the mad old lady who lives down your road does. But you'd be wrong, because Bob Dylan is just about the biggest thing in music right now, after Justin Timberlake and that group of midgets who covered Superfreak. The new Bob Dylan album Modern Times is his first number one album for 30 years, it's reached the top spot in all sorts of countries around the world and Bob Dylan is now officially the oldest living person to launch a new album at number one. However, since Modern Times was released in the last 20 years, Bob Dylan is now legally required to detest it and give a shitty interview where he slags himself off for not being as good as he used to be.
There's a lot of talk about the third season of Desperate Housewives being less rubbish than the second, although if producers chose to stick an endoscope up a goat's rectum and leave it there for 23 weeks it'd still be a bit more interesting. However, it looks as if the Desperate Housewives producers have already hit a wall; the ginger one out of Desperate Housewives - or Marcia Cross as she inexplicably prefers to be called - has just announced that she is pregnant. This means we can expect most of Marcia Cross' dramatic Desperate Housewives season three moments to take place with her expanding belly hidden, like the scene where she confronts her wayward son while standing up to her boobs in a puddle.
Paris Hilton - the vacant, lazy-eyed star of an internet porn video, a TV show about how funny it is to be stupid and a CD so bad it makes us want to stab ourselves in the face - has been arrested for drink-driving. Reports are suggesting that Paris Hilton was arrested early this morning in Hollywood when a police officer noticed that she "exhibited the symptoms of intoxication." We're not sure what these symptoms are, but we'd imagine they involve simpering around listlessly and pointlessly slurring to herself about how hot everything is. Oh wait, they're not the symptoms of Paris Hilton being intoxicated, they're just everything Paris Hilton has ever done in her life.
