SLACKERJACK – Boomshine

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes when you plan an online game you want blood and death and billion-decibel explosions, but sometimes all you want is a nice little relax. Boomshine definitely provides the latter.

All Boomshine requires you to do is click your mouse once each level and that’s it. But it’s what happens afterwards that makes Boomshine so special. When you click your mouse, you set off a slow explosion – and any floating balls that touch the explosion also explode, and any balls passing their explosions explode as well in a chain reaction style. And on and on until enough balls have exploded to get you to the next level. If the premise of Boomshine doesn’t get you, the beautiful minimalist plink of the explosions will. Failing that, you can pretend that you’re spreading a deadly disease through a packed city like an episode of 24 or something. Not that we did that of course. Ahem…

Play Boomshine now

Sometimes when you plan an online game you want blood and death and billion-decibel explosions, but sometimes all you want is a nice little relax. Boomshine definitely provides the latter. All Boomshine requires you to do is click your mouse once each level and that's it. But it's what happens afterwards that makes Boomshine so special. When you click your mouse, you set off a slow explosion - and any floating balls that touch the explosion also explode, and any balls passing their explosions explode as well in a chain reaction style. And on and on until enough balls have exploded to get you to the next level. If the premise of Boomshine doesn't get you, the beautiful minimalist plink of the explosions will. Failing that, you can pretend that you're spreading a deadly disease through a packed city like an episode of 24 or something. Not that we did that of course. Ahem... Play Boomshine now
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Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole: It’s Rather Tediously On

by Stuart Heritage

Squat pop Ewok Lily Allen is famous for two things; wearing trainers with dresses and mercilessly slagging off any singer that she happens to be ambiently thinking about at any point in time – but sometimes her victims hit back, making Lily Allen sad.

This is basically what’s been happening between Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole, the one from Girls Aloud who has to do all the talky bits in their songs because she can’t be trusted to actually sing. First Lily Allen said something about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl Cole called Lily Allen a “chick with a dick” on TV, then Lily Allen was all “boo hoo, I’m so fat and hideous” on her MySpace blog and now Lily Allen has got it together enough to call Cheryl Cole a “stupid bitch.” Experience tells us that what’ll happen next is that Cheryl Cole will pass Lily Allen a note in class that says “you’re dead you are” before the other members of Girls Aloud grab Lily Allen after geography, throw her satchel on the roof of the woodwork block and hold her down while Cheryl Cole pulls her hair, gives her an extra-hard Chinese burn and kicks her in the chuff.

Squat pop Ewok Lily Allen is famous for two things; wearing trainers with dresses and mercilessly slagging off any singer that she happens to be ambiently thinking about at any point in time - but sometimes her victims hit back, making Lily Allen sad. This is basically what's been happening between Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole, the one from Girls Aloud who has to do all the talky bits in their songs because she can't be trusted to actually sing. First Lily Allen said something about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl Cole called Lily Allen a "chick with a dick" on TV, then Lily Allen was all "boo hoo, I'm so fat and hideous" on her MySpace blog and now Lily Allen has got it together enough to call Cheryl Cole a "stupid bitch." Experience tells us that what'll happen next is that Cheryl Cole will pass Lily Allen a note in class that says "you're dead you are" before the other members of Girls Aloud grab Lily Allen after geography, throw her satchel on the roof of the woodwork block and hold her down while Cheryl Cole pulls her hair, gives her an extra-hard Chinese burn and kicks her in the chuff.
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Spielberg And Peter Jackson To Make Racist Films Together

by Chris Laverty

Steven Spielberg will unite with Peter Jackson to bring Hergé’s Racially Prejudiced Adventures of Tintin to the big screen in Tintin and the Congo Savages. Most of that sentence is true.

Hergé’s (real name George Remi) character of Tintin, the intrepid (useless) reporter with a sideline in solving crime (usually smuggling) and a fluffy white dog called Snowy (true) is much loved the world over. Despite any hints of racist/fascist leanings, the books have been translated from their original French into some fifty languages. Of course they are pretty old, so it’s important to remember that racism was all the go back then.

Steven Spielberg has been after the rights to film the Tintin books for 25 years. In that time he has made Jurassic Park, AI and Minority Report amongst others, which as far as we are aware, are not racist at all. Peter Jackson’s last film was a remake of King Kong. It was so bad that it has since been released on DVD in at least two different versions, both too long and both less enjoyable than open-heart surgery performed with an ice cream scoop and a pencil sharpener. Again though, not racist.

Steven Spielberg will unite with Peter Jackson to bring Hergé’s Racially Prejudiced Adventures of Tintin to the big screen in Tintin and the Congo Savages. Most of that sentence is true. Hergé’s (real name George Remi) character of Tintin, the intrepid (useless) reporter with a sideline in solving crime (usually smuggling) and a fluffy white dog called Snowy (true) is much loved the world over. Despite any hints of racist/fascist leanings, the books have been translated from their original French into some fifty languages. Of course they are pretty old, so it’s important to remember that racism was all the go back then. Steven Spielberg has been after the rights to film the Tintin books for 25 years. In that time he has made Jurassic Park, AI and Minority Report amongst others, which as far as we are aware, are not racist at all. Peter Jackson’s last film was a remake of King Kong. It was so bad that it has since been released on DVD in at least two different versions, both too long and both less enjoyable than open-heart surgery performed with an ice cream scoop and a pencil sharpener. Again though, not racist.
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Any Dream Will Do Betting Odds: Ben Ellis

by Stuart Heritage

Right, this is the official halfway point of our Any Dream Will Do betting odds rundown, and it hasn’t come soon enough – the knowledge that there are still two days left of this nonsense has given us a near-terminal panic attack, so lord knows how you’re coping.

It’s not us, is it? We’re not alone in disliking Any Dream Will Do, are? We can’t be the only people who think that spending a Saturday evening in watching a gaggle of sob-faced dramaschool wheezebuckets emote the hits of Daniel Bedingfield at Andrew Lloyd Webber – who’s sitting in a bastard throne – is a less enjoyable pursuit than smearing yourself with elephant shit, downing shots of E.Coli and letting Judy Finnegan give you a chainsaw pedicure. Can we? Can we?

Anyway, here are today’s Any Dream Will Do betting odds for Ben Ellis, with help from Paddy Power…

More…

Right, this is the official halfway point of our Any Dream Will Do betting odds rundown, and it hasn't come soon enough - the knowledge that there are still two days left of this nonsense has given us a near-terminal panic attack, so lord knows how you're coping. It's not us, is it? We're not alone in disliking Any Dream Will Do, are? We can't be the only people who think that spending a Saturday evening in watching a gaggle of sob-faced dramaschool wheezebuckets emote the hits of Daniel Bedingfield at Andrew Lloyd Webber - who's sitting in a bastard throne - is a less enjoyable pursuit than smearing yourself with elephant shit, downing shots of E.Coli and letting Judy Finnegan give you a chainsaw pedicure. Can we? Can we? Anyway, here are today's Any Dream Will Do betting odds for Ben Ellis, with help from Paddy Power... More...
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Anna Nicole Smith’s Will Mostly Geared Towards Dead Boys

by Stuart Heritage

Don’t feel bad for Howard K Stern. He may have lost the battle to become the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, but Anna Nicole didn’t forget him in her will; she’s left Howard K Stern an important role – guardian of her dead son Daniel.

Anna Nicole Smith, you see, didn’t update her will in the wake of her son Daniel’s death or her daughter Dannielynn Hope’s birth. And now that Anna Nicole’s will has been filed, we can see that everything in it was supposed to go to Daniel. In the past, this vacuum would have left everyone who’d ever met Anna Nicole Smith battling to become her beneficiary through weeks and weeks of court appearances – but now that all the bad blood between Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern seems to have vanished, it’s expected that all $710,000 of Anna Nicole Smith’s assets will be going straight into a trust fund for Dannielynn Hope, so that when she reaches a certain age she’ll have the financial means to woo and marry a nearly-dead oil billionaire too.

Don't feel bad for Howard K Stern. He may have lost the battle to become the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, but Anna Nicole didn't forget him in her will; she's left Howard K Stern an important role - guardian of her dead son Daniel. Anna Nicole Smith, you see, didn't update her will in the wake of her son Daniel's death or her daughter Dannielynn Hope's birth. And now that Anna Nicole's will has been filed, we can see that everything in it was supposed to go to Daniel. In the past, this vacuum would have left everyone who'd ever met Anna Nicole Smith battling to become her beneficiary through weeks and weeks of court appearances - but now that all the bad blood between Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern seems to have vanished, it's expected that all $710,000 of Anna Nicole Smith's assets will be going straight into a trust fund for Dannielynn Hope, so that when she reaches a certain age she'll have the financial means to woo and marry a nearly-dead oil billionaire too.
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JK Rowling: Don’t Ruin The Bit Where Harry Potter Dies

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows – the final Potter book – is less than three months away, and already JK Rowling is getting anxious over the idea of someone reading the book’s last page, seeing that Harry Potter dies and blabbing it to everyone.

And that’s why JK Rowling has launched a preemptive Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows spoiler-disarming offensive, saying that the last thing she wants is for someone to go around yammering about Harry Potter’s ultimate fate on the internet and spoiling it for everybody else. However, JK Rowling also made it perfectly clear that she didn’t include you in that, and that you are still perfectly within your rights to line up for hours outside a bookshop on the evening of the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows release just for the momentary thrill of being able to run to the bookshelves at midnight, open a copy of the book at the last page and shout “Oh no! Harry Potter dies!” loud enough for all the children to start crying. JK Rowling said that you could do that, but only you.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows - the final Potter book - is less than three months away, and already JK Rowling is getting anxious over the idea of someone reading the book's last page, seeing that Harry Potter dies and blabbing it to everyone. And that's why JK Rowling has launched a preemptive Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows spoiler-disarming offensive, saying that the last thing she wants is for someone to go around yammering about Harry Potter's ultimate fate on the internet and spoiling it for everybody else. However, JK Rowling also made it perfectly clear that she didn't include you in that, and that you are still perfectly within your rights to line up for hours outside a bookshop on the evening of the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows release just for the momentary thrill of being able to run to the bookshelves at midnight, open a copy of the book at the last page and shout "Oh no! Harry Potter dies!" loud enough for all the children to start crying. JK Rowling said that you could do that, but only you.
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Richard Gere’s Obscene Indian Kiss Case Suspended

by Stuart Heritage

In many ways the people of India were right to find it obscene when Richard Gere roughly grabbed Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS awareness event last month and started slobbering kisses all over her confused Bollywood face because, well, because it’s Richard Gere. Urgh.

But it looks as if Richard Gere has finally got lucky and might not have to spend the rest of his life trapped in a special Indian jail for godless western perverts where he’d be forced to spend all day whittling touristy Bhuvaneshwari statues out of driftwood. It’s been announced that India’s Supreme Court has suspended Richard Gere’s arrest warrant until it has a better idea of what’s going on. That’s good news for Richard Gere, but less good news for those of us who were kind of hoping that an Indian arrest would go some way to contributing to the punishment that Gere deserves for making Bee Season.

In many ways the people of India were right to find it obscene when Richard Gere roughly grabbed Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS awareness event last month and started slobbering kisses all over her confused Bollywood face because, well, because it's Richard Gere. Urgh. But it looks as if Richard Gere has finally got lucky and might not have to spend the rest of his life trapped in a special Indian jail for godless western perverts where he'd be forced to spend all day whittling touristy Bhuvaneshwari statues out of driftwood. It's been announced that India's Supreme Court has suspended Richard Gere's arrest warrant until it has a better idea of what's going on. That's good news for Richard Gere, but less good news for those of us who were kind of hoping that an Indian arrest would go some way to contributing to the punishment that Gere deserves for making Bee Season.
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Paul McCartney Becomes A Digital Cyborg From The Future

by Stuart Heritage

Oh, OK. Paul McCartney hasn’t become a digital cyborg from the future; instead, Paul McCartney has decided to sell his solo back-catalogue via digital downloads for the very first time – which you have to admit is a bit like becoming a futuristic killing machine.

No? Still not with us on the cyborg thing? Never mind. Anyway, Paul McCartney has announced that all of his post-Beatles albums will be available to download online sometime this year. It’s a move that has hit the headlines because it’s expected to be a precursor to digital Beatles downloads finally being made available legally – you didn’t think all this excitement was over the prospect of shortly being able to download C Moon, did you? In other news, Paul McCartney has revealed that he’s to become a half-human half-robot mechanoid warrior from the 37th century.

No, not really. But we had you for a moment, didn’t we.

Oh, OK. Paul McCartney hasn't become a digital cyborg from the future; instead, Paul McCartney has decided to sell his solo back-catalogue via digital downloads for the very first time - which you have to admit is a bit like becoming a futuristic killing machine. No? Still not with us on the cyborg thing? Never mind. Anyway, Paul McCartney has announced that all of his post-Beatles albums will be available to download online sometime this year. It's a move that has hit the headlines because it's expected to be a precursor to digital Beatles downloads finally being made available legally - you didn't think all this excitement was over the prospect of shortly being able to download C Moon, did you? In other news, Paul McCartney has revealed that he's to become a half-human half-robot mechanoid warrior from the 37th century. No, not really. But we had you for a moment, didn't we.
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Phil Spector Just Like Lesbian-Haired Elmer Fudd: Claims

by Stuart Heritage

Murder trials aren’t known for their laugh-a-minute hilarity, but Phil Spector’s murder trial is different, thanks to a waitress taking the stand yesterday to compare the sight of Phil Spector dressed in plaid and carrying a huge shotgun to Elmer Fudd.

Kathy Sullivan used the Elmer Fudd comparison to describe the sight of Phil Spector gripping the gun and muttering about protection after she and a friend had stayed in his LA castle a decade ago. Although there may not be that many superficial similarities between Phil Spector and Elmer Fudd, cast your minds back to the little-seen 1949 Warner Brothers cartoon Rabbit In Court where Elmer Fudd dons a ridiculous lesbian wig, goes to a bar, brings back Bugs Bunny who’d been working there as a hostess and shoots him in the mouth, killing him instantly. Or, you know, doesn’t do any of that. Depending on how guilty of murder Phil Spector gets found to be.

Murder trials aren't known for their laugh-a-minute hilarity, but Phil Spector's murder trial is different, thanks to a waitress taking the stand yesterday to compare the sight of Phil Spector dressed in plaid and carrying a huge shotgun to Elmer Fudd. Kathy Sullivan used the Elmer Fudd comparison to describe the sight of Phil Spector gripping the gun and muttering about protection after she and a friend had stayed in his LA castle a decade ago. Although there may not be that many superficial similarities between Phil Spector and Elmer Fudd, cast your minds back to the little-seen 1949 Warner Brothers cartoon Rabbit In Court where Elmer Fudd dons a ridiculous lesbian wig, goes to a bar, brings back Bugs Bunny who'd been working there as a hostess and shoots him in the mouth, killing him instantly. Or, you know, doesn't do any of that. Depending on how guilty of murder Phil Spector gets found to be.
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SLACKERJACK – Line Runner

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a while since we featured a game that can melt your brain and eyes while making you feel like you have the shoddiest, most degenerate reflexes of any human who has ever walked the face of the earth. So here’s Line Runner.

Line Runner is a game that combines the slightly old trend for drawing paths for characters to move along and the blinding, flashing epileptic hysteria that Saturday morning Japanese cartoons seem to do so well. In Line Runner, you have to draw a line for your anime hero to charge along, picking up rings and avoiding mines. That sounds easy enough, but Line Runner is enough to totally destroy your mind permanently. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Play Line Runner now

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