Michael Moore Vs The Government: Round Ten Billion

by Stuart Heritage

Michael Moore and the US government are like an old divorced couple – they keep pretending to hate each other, but it’s only a matter of time before they bump into each other at a bar, remember the old days and have a bunch of disgusting make-up sex.

Fortunately any sex involving either Michael Moore or any American politician will have to wait, because Michael Moore is out to get the government. After the government investigated Moore’s apparently unauthorised visit to Cuba during the filming of his new movie Sicko, Michael Moore has hit back, stating that he wants to launch an investigation against the people who launched an investigation against him. From hereon in, the government can be expected to launch an investigation of Michael Moore’s investigation of their investigation, and then Michael Moore will launch an investigation against the investigation that was launched when he launched an investigation about the investigation about him.

And this will continue until the end of time, or at least until Michael Moore figures that Sicko has got enough publicity.

Michael Moore and the US government are like an old divorced couple - they keep pretending to hate each other, but it's only a matter of time before they bump into each other at a bar, remember the old days and have a bunch of disgusting make-up sex. Fortunately any sex involving either Michael Moore or any American politician will have to wait, because Michael Moore is out to get the government. After the government investigated Moore's apparently unauthorised visit to Cuba during the filming of his new movie Sicko, Michael Moore has hit back, stating that he wants to launch an investigation against the people who launched an investigation against him. From hereon in, the government can be expected to launch an investigation of Michael Moore's investigation of their investigation, and then Michael Moore will launch an investigation against the investigation that was launched when he launched an investigation about the investigation about him. And this will continue until the end of time, or at least until Michael Moore figures that Sicko has got enough publicity.
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SLACKERJACK – Frat Boy Beer Pong

by Stuart Heritage

Drinking games are fun, aren’t they? But if you start trying to play them at work, the next thing you know you’re wearing Janette From HR’s bra as a hat and puking into a laminate machine.

So here’s a drinking game that doesn’t involve any actual drinking, it’s Frat Boy Beer Pong. Never having played Beer Pong in real life – from what we’ve seen, it appears to be a game for douchebags – we don’t know exactly what’s supposed to happen. It seems to involve throwing balls at booze, though. The good thing about Frat Boy Beer Pong is that the more you lose – and the more you drink – the shakier your aim gets. The bad thing about Frat Boy Beer Pong is that you don’t get to taste the alcohol. The sweet, sweet forgiving taste of alcohol. Oh, delicious alcohol.

Play Frat Boy Beer Pong now

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Mick Jagger: I’m Not A Stingy Bloody Miser, OK?

by Stuart Heritage

There are some things you can say about Mick Jagger – that he’s got a face like a bloodhound’s scrotum or that he hasn’t written a good song for 29 years – but call Mick Jagger a miser and he’ll have a gigantic pissy fit in front of anyone that’ll listen.

In an interview with The Times at the weekend, Mick Jagger’s ex-wife Jerry Hall claimed that she had to pay for the majority of things to do with their house and children because Mick was so stingy with all his millions. This interview caused Mick Jagger to call up The Times to comprehensively refute that he’s anything like a miser. At least we think that’s what Mick Jagger said – before we actually got to read the article, Mick Jagger came round our house, snatched the newspaper out of our hands and crammed it down his jumper, muttering “It keeps me warm and it’s cheaper than buying a vest” before staring at an open tin of dog food and licking his lips for 20 solid minutes.

We’re pretty sure it was Mick Jagger, anyway. We could be wrong.

There are some things you can say about Mick Jagger - that he's got a face like a bloodhound's scrotum or that he hasn't written a good song for 29 years - but call Mick Jagger a miser and he'll have a gigantic pissy fit in front of anyone that'll listen. In an interview with The Times at the weekend, Mick Jagger's ex-wife Jerry Hall claimed that she had to pay for the majority of things to do with their house and children because Mick was so stingy with all his millions. This interview caused Mick Jagger to call up The Times to comprehensively refute that he's anything like a miser. At least we think that's what Mick Jagger said - before we actually got to read the article, Mick Jagger came round our house, snatched the newspaper out of our hands and crammed it down his jumper, muttering "It keeps me warm and it's cheaper than buying a vest" before staring at an open tin of dog food and licking his lips for 20 solid minutes. We're pretty sure it was Mick Jagger, anyway. We could be wrong.
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Dull Snow Patrol Split From Manager, Dullness To Continue Regardless

by Chris Laverty

With the possible exception of The Fray and Keane, Snow Patrol are the most boring band on the entire planet. Even their manager agrees. Or at least he was their manager until he decided he didn’t want to die a slow death of miserable bastard indie laced with the vocals of a jittery, soppy sod choirboy who needs a haircut.

Snow Patrol were not always less interesting than pus. They started off pretty well; some of their songs could even be considered ‘ok’, as background filler for cleaning the gutters or having a mental breakdown. Back in their early days as Shrug there was something more about them than gloom-laden drudgery. As Snow Patrol, they released the critically acclaimed Final Straw in 2003 and got enough attention to warrant not giving a damn anymore. As if being from Belfast would not make you miserable enough, they felt being permanently depressed and maudlin was the way to go. Nothing like being nominated for a Grammy and having a song featured in Grey’s Anatomy to really piss you off though. Man, that sucks.

Their now former manager Jazz Summers took over the band’s reins back in 2002 when they were dumped by Jeepster Records. Many people believe he was the mastermind behind the current Snow Patrol monstrosity. He is the one you blame when you’re sitting up in heaven looking down on your own funeral with Chasing Cars blaring out of the chapel’s antiquated speaker system. There is no official line for the band’s split from Summers. ‘Creative differences’ is likely, ‘they’ve gone all shit’ even more so.

With the possible exception of The Fray and Keane, Snow Patrol are the most boring band on the entire planet. Even their manager agrees. Or at least he was their manager until he decided he didn’t want to die a slow death of miserable bastard indie laced with the vocals of a jittery, soppy sod choirboy who needs a haircut. Snow Patrol were not always less interesting than pus. They started off pretty well; some of their songs could even be considered ‘ok’, as background filler for cleaning the gutters or having a mental breakdown. Back in their early days as Shrug there was something more about them than gloom-laden drudgery. As Snow Patrol, they released the critically acclaimed Final Straw in 2003 and got enough attention to warrant not giving a damn anymore. As if being from Belfast would not make you miserable enough, they felt being permanently depressed and maudlin was the way to go. Nothing like being nominated for a Grammy and having a song featured in Grey’s Anatomy to really piss you off though. Man, that sucks. Their now former manager Jazz Summers took over the band’s reins back in 2002 when they were dumped by Jeepster Records. Many people believe he was the mastermind behind the current Snow Patrol monstrosity. He is the one you blame when you’re sitting up in heaven looking down on your own funeral with Chasing Cars blaring out of the chapel’s antiquated speaker system. There is no official line for the band’s split from Summers. ‘Creative differences’ is likely, ‘they’ve gone all shit’ even more so.
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Any Dream Will Do Betting Odds: Daniel Boys

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever wondered why the youth of today are such a bunch of binge-drinking happy slappers who can somehow manage to break bottles over other people’s heads and projectile vomit at policemen at the same time, just look at Saturday night TV.

If they stay in, what have they got to enjoy? A cruddy reality TV show about Grease or a cruddy reality TV show about Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat that’s so bad it makes us want to go and live in an igloo. Anyway, for want of anything better to do, we’re running a bunch of Any Dream Will Do betting odds. We clearly can’t stand Any Dream Will Do, but all the betting odds are from Paddy Power so they’re completely accurate. That means – if you inexplicably like Any Dream Will Do – you can still place a bet on it despite our abuse. And then, after you’ve done that, you can go to the brain hospital to get treatment for being such a musical-based reality TV show-loving weirdo.

Here are the Any Dream Will Do betting odds for some poor fool named Daniel Boys, with help from Paddy Power…

If you ever wondered why the youth of today are such a bunch of binge-drinking happy slappers who can somehow manage to break bottles over other people's heads and projectile vomit at policemen at the same time, just look at Saturday night TV. If they stay in, what have they got to enjoy? A cruddy reality TV show about Grease or a cruddy reality TV show about Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat that's so bad it makes us want to go and live in an igloo. Anyway, for want of anything better to do, we're running a bunch of Any Dream Will Do betting odds. We clearly can't stand Any Dream Will Do, but all the betting odds are from Paddy Power so they're completely accurate. That means - if you inexplicably like Any Dream Will Do - you can still place a bet on it despite our abuse. And then, after you've done that, you can go to the brain hospital to get treatment for being such a musical-based reality TV show-loving weirdo. Here are the Any Dream Will Do betting odds for some poor fool named Daniel Boys, with help from Paddy Power...
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Marilyn Manson Has Sex With A Girl Just For You

by Stuart Heritage

Chronically aware that his shtick of wearing funny-coloured contact lenses and singing bad sixth-form poetry to bad sixth-form goth music isn’t controversial any more, Marilyn Manson has revealed a new PR tactic – having sex with girls in videos.

Not just any girls, either – Marilyn Manson has sex with his real-life teenage girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don’t just have any sex, either – they have real, in-and-out sex. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don’t just have real sex on any video, either – it’s the video for new Marilyn Manson single Heart-Shaped Glasses. Clever old Marilyn Manson – he knows only too well that nothing makes a man more popular than a video of his weird naked underdeveloped lesbian anorexic prostitute body pumping away into a girl who looks like she’s about six years old.

Chronically aware that his shtick of wearing funny-coloured contact lenses and singing bad sixth-form poetry to bad sixth-form goth music isn't controversial any more, Marilyn Manson has revealed a new PR tactic - having sex with girls in videos. Not just any girls, either - Marilyn Manson has sex with his real-life teenage girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don't just have any sex, either - they have real, in-and-out sex. And Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood don't just have real sex on any video, either - it's the video for new Marilyn Manson single Heart-Shaped Glasses. Clever old Marilyn Manson - he knows only too well that nothing makes a man more popular than a video of his weird naked underdeveloped lesbian anorexic prostitute body pumping away into a girl who looks like she's about six years old.
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Phil Spector Probably Regretting That ‘Murder Confession’ Now

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s say you’re standing trial for the murder of a woman who died in your house – what’s the last thing you’d want to do? Chances are it involves staggering out of your house covered in blood, holding a gun and saying “I think I killed somebody.”

Silly old Phil Spector – that’s exactly what he apparently did straight after Lana Clarkson died in his house in 2003. Yesterday the court in the Phil Spector murder trial heard the testimony of Spector’s driver Adriano DeSouza – a man who claims he saw Phil Spector stumble out of his home on the night that Lana Clarkson died, holding a pistol in his blood-covered hand and saying “I think I killed somebody.” However, Phil Spector’s defence team is hoping to deflect away from this testimony by concentrating on DeSouza’s lack of English skills. After all, to a foreigner “I think I killed somebody” probably does sound quite a lot like “That crazy woman in there just shot herself. How about this weather we’re having, huh?”

Let's say you're standing trial for the murder of a woman who died in your house - what's the last thing you'd want to do? Chances are it involves staggering out of your house covered in blood, holding a gun and saying "I think I killed somebody." Silly old Phil Spector - that's exactly what he apparently did straight after Lana Clarkson died in his house in 2003. Yesterday the court in the Phil Spector murder trial heard the testimony of Spector's driver Adriano DeSouza - a man who claims he saw Phil Spector stumble out of his home on the night that Lana Clarkson died, holding a pistol in his blood-covered hand and saying "I think I killed somebody." However, Phil Spector's defence team is hoping to deflect away from this testimony by concentrating on DeSouza's lack of English skills. After all, to a foreigner "I think I killed somebody" probably does sound quite a lot like "That crazy woman in there just shot herself. How about this weather we're having, huh?"
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Maxim Tries To Convince Us That Lindsay Lohan Is Hot

by Stuart Heritage

Maxim magazine has released its annual Hot 100 list – named so because ‘Hey Teenage Boys, Here Are 100 Pictures Of Women For You To Violently Masturbate Over Until It Blisters’ doesn’t have the same ring – and it’s a good year for Lindsay Lohan.

For the first time ever, Lindsay Lohan has topped the Maxim Hot 100, making her officially the hottest woman in the world. Considering all the injuries, drunkenness, rehab and apparent drug-taking that Lindsay Lohan has been through over the last 12 months, it’s not unfair to suggest that she’s a somewhat bewildering choice. But don’t question Lindsay Lohan’s hotness because the Maxim editor’s word is final, said the editor of Maxim – a creepy, slightly rusted 50-year-old Volkswagen Beetle that winks with its headlights and occasionally tries to hump newer-model Volkswagen Beetles.

Maxim magazine has released its annual Hot 100 list - named so because 'Hey Teenage Boys, Here Are 100 Pictures Of Women For You To Violently Masturbate Over Until It Blisters' doesn't have the same ring - and it's a good year for Lindsay Lohan. For the first time ever, Lindsay Lohan has topped the Maxim Hot 100, making her officially the hottest woman in the world. Considering all the injuries, drunkenness, rehab and apparent drug-taking that Lindsay Lohan has been through over the last 12 months, it's not unfair to suggest that she's a somewhat bewildering choice. But don't question Lindsay Lohan's hotness because the Maxim editor's word is final, said the editor of Maxim - a creepy, slightly rusted 50-year-old Volkswagen Beetle that winks with its headlights and occasionally tries to hump newer-model Volkswagen Beetles.
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Mustachioed Denise Richards Splits With Richie Sambora

by Shawn Lindseth

An open letter to batching males, Hello batching males, you are all totally effed. Well, not all of you are effed, to be sure. Those of you hiding in trees, pretending you're fauna or currently getting thrown in prison are just fine. Those of you a little slow on the uptake though, you're all boned [...]

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Kenny Chesney Is Still An Entertaining Cowboy

by Stuart Heritage

Far be it for us to suggest that everyone involved with country music couldn’t be more charisma-free if they were made out of dust, but the fact that Kenny Chesney has now won three entertainer of the year prizes in a row sort of speaks for itself.

The Academy of Country Music had its awards last night, with all the usual country suspects gathering together for the annual knees-up – including performances by all the big country and western big-hitters, the doling out of prizes made out of roadkill speared on pitchforks and an epic tobacco-spittin’ contest eventually won by Old Ma Billyroot after an impressive 32-foot spit. Oh, and Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer of The Year award for the third year in a row. With good reason, too; camp men singing songs about sexy tractors is entertaining, right?

Far be it for us to suggest that everyone involved with country music couldn't be more charisma-free if they were made out of dust, but the fact that Kenny Chesney has now won three entertainer of the year prizes in a row sort of speaks for itself. The Academy of Country Music had its awards last night, with all the usual country suspects gathering together for the annual knees-up - including performances by all the big country and western big-hitters, the doling out of prizes made out of roadkill speared on pitchforks and an epic tobacco-spittin' contest eventually won by Old Ma Billyroot after an impressive 32-foot spit. Oh, and Kenny Chesney won the ACM Entertainer of The Year award for the third year in a row. With good reason, too; camp men singing songs about sexy tractors is entertaining, right?
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