Watch The Placebo Running Up That Hill Video

by Stuart Heritage

Back in 1996, Brian Molko from Placebo sang “When I was born I started to decay” and an entire population put their heads together to discuss a way to somehow start accelerating the decaying process.

That’s because, back in 1996, Placebo were a bunch of terrible whiny proto-emos who couldn’t find a semi-decent tune if you smeared one across their androgynous faces. But now it’s 11 years later, so what has changed for Placebo? Not a lot, except that nobody listens to Placebo any more and they’re too bald to be androgynous. But the good news is that Placebo have finally located a good tune. Trouble is it’s not theirs.

Placebo’s new single is a cover of Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush, and for the video the band invited their fans to participate with their own – shudder – user-generated content. So basically, by clicking to see the video for Running Up That Hill by Placebo, you’re agreeing to watch a 22-year-old song recorded in a intrinsically unlikeable whine and then mimed by a selection of people who walk around with poetry books in their pockets to try and look deeper than they actually are. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Back in 1996, Brian Molko from Placebo sang "When I was born I started to decay" and an entire population put their heads together to discuss a way to somehow start accelerating the decaying process. That's because, back in 1996, Placebo were a bunch of terrible whiny proto-emos who couldn't find a semi-decent tune if you smeared one across their androgynous faces. But now it's 11 years later, so what has changed for Placebo? Not a lot, except that nobody listens to Placebo any more and they're too bald to be androgynous. But the good news is that Placebo have finally located a good tune. Trouble is it's not theirs. Placebo's new single is a cover of Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush, and for the video the band invited their fans to participate with their own - shudder - user-generated content. So basically, by clicking to see the video for Running Up That Hill by Placebo, you're agreeing to watch a 22-year-old song recorded in a intrinsically unlikeable whine and then mimed by a selection of people who walk around with poetry books in their pockets to try and look deeper than they actually are. Don't say we didn't warn you.
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Hillary Clinton Foolishly Asks You To Pick Her Campaign Song

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a well known universal fact that whenever a politician tries to be funny, cool or generally down with the kids, they end up looking like massive embarrassing out-of-touch dickwads – so it’s a shame that Hillary Clinton hasn’t been informed of this.

Hillary Clinton, as we all know, wants to be the next president of America, but she won’t be able to unless she somehow learns how to engage key core voting groups. Luckily, Hillary Clinton has just the trick for this – she’s asking the public to choose her campaign song for her. Readers of Hillary Clinton’s website have been asked to select the song that’ll help her become the next president although – since the list includes two U2 songs, a KT Tunstall song and something by forgotten baggy tosspots Jesus Jones – she’s more likely to inspire entire cities of people to run into the sea screaming, crying and clutching their ears.

It's a well known universal fact that whenever a politician tries to be funny, cool or generally down with the kids, they end up looking like massive embarrassing out-of-touch dickwads - so it's a shame that Hillary Clinton hasn't been informed of this. Hillary Clinton, as we all know, wants to be the next president of America, but she won't be able to unless she somehow learns how to engage key core voting groups. Luckily, Hillary Clinton has just the trick for this - she's asking the public to choose her campaign song for her. Readers of Hillary Clinton's website have been asked to select the song that'll help her become the next president although - since the list includes two U2 songs, a KT Tunstall song and something by forgotten baggy tosspots Jesus Jones - she's more likely to inspire entire cities of people to run into the sea screaming, crying and clutching their ears.
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Disturbing Friday Fun: Nightmarish Mickey Mouse

by Stuart Heritage

Parents of young children: if your child ever asks you to take them to Disneyland and you don’t want to, show them this here 3D Mickey Mouse animation and they’ll never mention Disney again. That’s probably because this 3D Mickey Mouse animation is so nightmarish that they’ll be permanently struck mute, but what’s wrong with that?

Flagged up by Log – friend of the ‘Spray and co-creator of the illegally funny list of the first 100 Crow films – this horrific 3D computer animation has ensured that we’ll never go to bed with the lights off ever again so long as we life, for fear that a woefully deformed Mickey Mouse will lurch into our room and stand over our sleeping bodies, all the time randomly pacing backwards and forwards and silently babbling like a disturbing toothless old mouse tramp. Without going into details, during this Mickey Mouse animation you will see:

* Mickey Mouse in a park dropping his balloon and having an autistic panic attack because a statue starts dancing and screeching like a frightening witch

* Mickey Mouse body-popping to some east European folk music with two equally deformed monkeys

* Mickey Mouse doing a series of halfhearted karate moves while a man randomly blurts out wordless screams in the background, followed by Mickey Mouse jumping in the air four and a half times

* Mickey Mouse trying to tiptoe past a giant cat with an unfortunate haircut that’s sitting on a tiny horse

* Mickey Mouse dressed as Superman twirling around before an uncaring astronaut who appears to be making the sound of an aeroplane

* Mickey Mouse balancing on a UFO for 12 seconds.

* And all sorts of other skincrawling scenarios…

Parents of young children: if your child ever asks you to take them to Disneyland and you don't want to, show them this here 3D Mickey Mouse animation and they'll never mention Disney again. That's probably because this 3D Mickey Mouse animation is so nightmarish that they'll be permanently struck mute, but what's wrong with that? Flagged up by Log - friend of the 'Spray and co-creator of the illegally funny list of the first 100 Crow films - this horrific 3D computer animation has ensured that we'll never go to bed with the lights off ever again so long as we life, for fear that a woefully deformed Mickey Mouse will lurch into our room and stand over our sleeping bodies, all the time randomly pacing backwards and forwards and silently babbling like a disturbing toothless old mouse tramp. Without going into details, during this Mickey Mouse animation you will see: * Mickey Mouse in a park dropping his balloon and having an autistic panic attack because a statue starts dancing and screeching like a frightening witch * Mickey Mouse body-popping to some east European folk music with two equally deformed monkeys * Mickey Mouse doing a series of halfhearted karate moves while a man randomly blurts out wordless screams in the background, followed by Mickey Mouse jumping in the air four and a half times * Mickey Mouse trying to tiptoe past a giant cat with an unfortunate haircut that's sitting on a tiny horse * Mickey Mouse dressed as Superman twirling around before an uncaring astronaut who appears to be making the sound of an aeroplane * Mickey Mouse balancing on a UFO for 12 seconds. * And all sorts of other skincrawling scenarios...
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Any Dream Will Do Betting Odds: Keith Jack & Lee Mead

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve never been gladder to see a Friday roll around – it means that after today we won’t have to do any more of these godawful Any Dream Will Do betting odds, and not a moment too soon.

Next week we’re going to start on some preemptive Big Brother betting odds. Yes, we’ll be basically offering betting odds on a show that hasn’t even started yet – but after looking at a show as useless as Any Dream Will Do, we’ve decided that running betting odds on how many shards of frozen animal turd we can jab into our eyes in 60 seconds would be better than looking at Any Dream Will Do for even a second longer than we have to. We don’t even care who wins Any Dream Will Do – we’re just pleased we won’t have to think about any more. Apart from this next bit, obviously.

Here are the Any Dream Will Do betting odds for Keith Jack and Lee Mead, with help from Paddy Power…

More…

We've never been gladder to see a Friday roll around - it means that after today we won't have to do any more of these godawful Any Dream Will Do betting odds, and not a moment too soon. Next week we're going to start on some preemptive Big Brother betting odds. Yes, we'll be basically offering betting odds on a show that hasn't even started yet - but after looking at a show as useless as Any Dream Will Do, we've decided that running betting odds on how many shards of frozen animal turd we can jab into our eyes in 60 seconds would be better than looking at Any Dream Will Do for even a second longer than we have to. We don't even care who wins Any Dream Will Do - we're just pleased we won't have to think about any more. Apart from this next bit, obviously. Here are the Any Dream Will Do betting odds for Keith Jack and Lee Mead, with help from Paddy Power... More...
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Phil Spector: I’m Too Much Of A Shortarse To Murder Anyone

by Stuart Heritage

Phil Spector is a midget. That’s why he always wears platform shoes when go goes to court, why he occasionally tries to grow his hair into the exact dimensions of a hot air balloon – and it’s why Phil Spector did not murder Lana Clarkson in 2003.

That’s what Phil Spector says anyway. In a two-year-old video apparently shot by himself shown last night on US TV show Inside Edition, Phil Spector asserts that he couldn’t have possibly murdered Lana Clarkson because she was 6’2″ and he is only 5’5″, making him too short to put the gun in her mouth. In other Phil Spector news, the 911 calls of Phil Spector’s driver Adriano DeSouza were played to the court yesterday which seem to declare that, while Spector was too short to shoot Lana Clarkson, he was plenty tall enough to scare the living shit out of one of his Brazilian employees.

Phil Spector is a midget. That's why he always wears platform shoes when go goes to court, why he occasionally tries to grow his hair into the exact dimensions of a hot air balloon - and it's why Phil Spector did not murder Lana Clarkson in 2003. That's what Phil Spector says anyway. In a two-year-old video apparently shot by himself shown last night on US TV show Inside Edition, Phil Spector asserts that he couldn't have possibly murdered Lana Clarkson because she was 6'2" and he is only 5'5", making him too short to put the gun in her mouth. In other Phil Spector news, the 911 calls of Phil Spector's driver Adriano DeSouza were played to the court yesterday which seem to declare that, while Spector was too short to shoot Lana Clarkson, he was plenty tall enough to scare the living shit out of one of his Brazilian employees.
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Britney Spears Thanks Her Fans, And Also God And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

When Britney Spears was the world’s favourite nutjob, she could always be relied upon to leave confusing little mental messages to her fans through her website – and now Britney Spears is better, those messages get to all be about Jesus. Hooray for Britney Spears and hooray, to a lesser extent, for Jesus!

Desperate to show the world that there’s more to her than taking out her vagina, shaving her head and calling herself the devil, Britney Spears has left a brand-new message to her fans on the official Britney Spears website. Usually we can never tell if messages on celebrity websites have been left by the celebrity themselves or just drafted up by a damage-limiting publicist, but Britney Spears’ message – full of lines like “You are all in my prayers” and “We are all lights of the world” – has reassured us that either a) Britney Spears wrote it on her own or b) Britney Spears should fire her publicist as fast as she jolly well can.

When Britney Spears was the world's favourite nutjob, she could always be relied upon to leave confusing little mental messages to her fans through her website - and now Britney Spears is better, those messages get to all be about Jesus. Hooray for Britney Spears and hooray, to a lesser extent, for Jesus! Desperate to show the world that there's more to her than taking out her vagina, shaving her head and calling herself the devil, Britney Spears has left a brand-new message to her fans on the official Britney Spears website. Usually we can never tell if messages on celebrity websites have been left by the celebrity themselves or just drafted up by a damage-limiting publicist, but Britney Spears' message - full of lines like "You are all in my prayers" and "We are all lights of the world" - has reassured us that either a) Britney Spears wrote it on her own or b) Britney Spears should fire her publicist as fast as she jolly well can.
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MySpace Trawl – be your own PET

by Matthew Laidlow

Blah blah blah we don’t even know why we even wrote this sentence.

All you need to know that be your own PET are ridiculously young, make rock music you will mosh your skinny white ass to and make you sick for the fact that they’re under twenty, have a successful music career while you work in a shit nine-to-five job filling in wanky finance reports for the quarter two findings. For a change, we’ll leave this one as a total treat, but all we’ll say is that all be your own PET need is a prod in the direction of fame and a few more years of hard graft. Already signed to XL records, the label of the White Stripes, Prodigy and Thom Yorke, you know it’s a safe roster to be part of. Rock out with ya cock out!

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be your own PET MySpace Page

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Paris Hilton’s Jail Sentence: Shorter & Cushier Than You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

All of those angry female prisoner wanting to attack Paris Hilton and steal her shoes had better think fast – because Paris Hilton’s jail sentence has been cut again, from 45 days to a minimum of 23 days in a sort of lovely private dorm-room thing.

The legal system being what it is, Paris Hilton can expect to only serve 23 days of her jail sentence if she behaves herself, it’s been reported. And those 23 days won’t be spent mingling with the usual jailbird set either, as Paris Hilton will be imprisoned in a cushy ‘special needs housing unit’ that’s set aside for public figures like herself. This means that Paris Hilton will more or less be living in the lap of luxury during her prison spell – all the shivs she’s attacked with will be made from the ergonomically pleasant Gillette Fusion five-bladed razor, plus any laundry room oral sex she’s violently forced to perform will only be done on women who have cleaned out their vaginas at some point within the last six years. She’s a lucky cow, that Paris Hilton.

All of those angry female prisoner wanting to attack Paris Hilton and steal her shoes had better think fast - because Paris Hilton's jail sentence has been cut again, from 45 days to a minimum of 23 days in a sort of lovely private dorm-room thing. The legal system being what it is, Paris Hilton can expect to only serve 23 days of her jail sentence if she behaves herself, it's been reported. And those 23 days won't be spent mingling with the usual jailbird set either, as Paris Hilton will be imprisoned in a cushy 'special needs housing unit' that's set aside for public figures like herself. This means that Paris Hilton will more or less be living in the lap of luxury during her prison spell - all the shivs she's attacked with will be made from the ergonomically pleasant Gillette Fusion five-bladed razor, plus any laundry room oral sex she's violently forced to perform will only be done on women who have cleaned out their vaginas at some point within the last six years. She's a lucky cow, that Paris Hilton.
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Justin Timberlake Chavs Around To Impress Jessica Biel

by 586 MEDIA

It seems Justin Timberlake knows just how to treat a woman – whisk them off to a romantic location treat them to a slap up meal and spoil them rotten… or maybe just drag them to Manchester and take them to Nando’s as the case may be.

Timberlake is said to have flown new love interest Jessica Biel over the Atlantic to join him for dinner in his favourite British restaurant. Which, somewhat inexplicably, seems to be Nando’s. But this wasn’t to be a romantic date for two; Jessica Biel had to share Justin Timberlake with ten other men cramming peri-peri chicken and perinaise into their faces unaware that they were disrupting the greatest romance the world has ever seen.

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Cameron Diaz’s Boob Casts Off Shirt-Shackles

by Shawn Lindseth

You know that dream of public nudity? Everyone has it.

It’s the one where you are in the mall or at a park or wherever, and you suddenly realise you’re naked. You put on pair of pants after pair of pants, but no matter how many you try they keep dissolving right off you. A crowd gathers laughing and pointing, and that’s when you realise what you thought had been your privies all these years was actually a very tired woodchuck hanging there attached by it’s teeth. The animal casually packs its things and leaves, rendering you neither male nor female but then you remember an ultrasound recently showed you were stuffed-full with lizard eggs and you need to make a nice warm nest, pronto – you know that dream?

Well Cameron Diaz had it recently – but for real. Minus the lizard eggs, lack of gender and toothy mammalian penis of course. Plus she was wearing pants and a jacket… but still, y’know? She was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show when her shirt slipped down and one of her milk-makers popped right out firing a blue laser beam that cropped the hair of a lady three rows back.

Diaz’s knocker had no laser-like qualities, but it really did lurch into the spotlight.

You know that dream of public nudity? Everyone has it. It's the one where you are in the mall or at a park or wherever, and you suddenly realise you're naked. You put on pair of pants after pair of pants, but no matter how many you try they keep dissolving right off you. A crowd gathers laughing and pointing, and that's when you realise what you thought had been your privies all these years was actually a very tired woodchuck hanging there attached by it's teeth. The animal casually packs its things and leaves, rendering you neither male nor female but then you remember an ultrasound recently showed you were stuffed-full with lizard eggs and you need to make a nice warm nest, pronto - you know that dream? Well Cameron Diaz had it recently - but for real. Minus the lizard eggs, lack of gender and toothy mammalian penis of course. Plus she was wearing pants and a jacket... but still, y'know? She was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show when her shirt slipped down and one of her milk-makers popped right out firing a blue laser beam that cropped the hair of a lady three rows back. Diaz's knocker had no laser-like qualities, but it really did lurch into the spotlight.
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