Paul McCartney & Heather Mills Briefly Talk Without Any Stabbing

by Stuart Heritage

Someone call Childline, because Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have just robbed their daughter Bea of the greatest gift a child can ever have – the gift of playing your wealthy, almost-divorced parents off each other for gigantic material gain.

And what is it exactly that’s stopped baby Bea from approaching Paul McCartney and guilting him into buying her a pony with stories about how much she loves mummy? The simple fact that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills appear to like each other enough again to enjoy a ten-minute chat at a bistro together, that’s what. According to reports, the chat between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills on Friday included discussions about their impending divorce, Heather’s career in America and Paul McCartney’s next birthday party. What’s more, there was such a lack of malice at the meeting that Paul McCartney didn’t even stab Heather Mills in the arm with a wine glass, push her into a bath or angrily declare Heather’s breasts to be his property. Not once.

Someone call Childline, because Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have just robbed their daughter Bea of the greatest gift a child can ever have - the gift of playing your wealthy, almost-divorced parents off each other for gigantic material gain. And what is it exactly that's stopped baby Bea from approaching Paul McCartney and guilting him into buying her a pony with stories about how much she loves mummy? The simple fact that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills appear to like each other enough again to enjoy a ten-minute chat at a bistro together, that's what. According to reports, the chat between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills on Friday included discussions about their impending divorce, Heather's career in America and Paul McCartney's next birthday party. What's more, there was such a lack of malice at the meeting that Paul McCartney didn't even stab Heather Mills in the arm with a wine glass, push her into a bath or angrily declare Heather's breasts to be his property. Not once.
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Pointlessly Make The Queen Think You Care About Her

by Matthew Laidlow

The older you get, the more people forget about you and try to blank out any communication with you. And when you get really old and become totally useless and just end up shitting yourself all day, you get sent to a special home where you are confined in the company of other bedwetters and ramble on about the time when you can remember how cheap everything was back in the good old days.

However, there is one old bag who hasn’t been forgotten about. Some people would even go as far as saying she’s a national institution – yes that’s right, the beloved Queen of England is soon to notch up another year on the goalpost and make her big-eared son wait longer to park his arse on the throne. And how can you help celebrate this? Well by signing a giant birthday card, of course. The Sun newspaper is aiming to make history by creating the world’s largest birthday card, and all for the dear old Queen.

The older you get, the more people forget about you and try to blank out any communication with you. And when you get really old and become totally useless and just end up shitting yourself all day, you get sent to a special home where you are confined in the company of other bedwetters and ramble on about the time when you can remember how cheap everything was back in the good old days. However, there is one old bag who hasn’t been forgotten about. Some people would even go as far as saying she’s a national institution - yes that’s right, the beloved Queen of England is soon to notch up another year on the goalpost and make her big-eared son wait longer to park his arse on the throne. And how can you help celebrate this? Well by signing a giant birthday card, of course. The Sun newspaper is aiming to make history by creating the world’s largest birthday card, and all for the dear old Queen.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Bombscare!

by Stuart Heritage

The eighth series of Big Brother is almost upon us, meaning that the next three and a bit months of your lives will be dedicated solely to watching around-the-clock bickering by people you’re bound to instantly despise – but enough about Davina McCall.

And a new series of Big Brother means a new batch of Big Brother betting odds. Since none of our friends at Endemol want to tell us the exact Big Brother start date – all we have is a woolly ‘soon’ – we don’t know exactly when we’ll get to lay into all the awful Big Brother housemates on a daily basis, but until then it’s Big Brother special betting all the way. And that starts today. Relax, soon enough it’ll be like Big Brother never went away. That is a good thing, right?

So here are the Big Brother betting odds for the Big Brother housemates to all be evacuated in a bombscare, with help from Paddy Power…

The eighth series of Big Brother is almost upon us, meaning that the next three and a bit months of your lives will be dedicated solely to watching around-the-clock bickering by people you're bound to instantly despise - but enough about Davina McCall. And a new series of Big Brother means a new batch of Big Brother betting odds. Since none of our friends at Endemol want to tell us the exact Big Brother start date - all we have is a woolly 'soon' - we don't know exactly when we'll get to lay into all the awful Big Brother housemates on a daily basis, but until then it's Big Brother special betting all the way. And that starts today. Relax, soon enough it'll be like Big Brother never went away. That is a good thing, right? So here are the Big Brother betting odds for the Big Brother housemates to all be evacuated in a bombscare, with help from Paddy Power...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Topher Grace? What, is that like an anagram or something?

Folded:

* Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive 2 (takes its cue from The Office, but is undeniably even more relevant and funny today. Eamon Holmes kicking a naked Rob Brydon’s arse? That’s worth checking the repeat schedules for)

* Izimi.com (post whatever you like directly from your home PC. Perfect for indie filmmakers)

* Ross Kemp on Gangs (astonished to find this programme is actually rather gritty and fascinating. Despite Ross Kemp, or because of Ross Kemp, we’re not sure)

* Google Earth (starting to feel like voyeurism. In the best possible way)

* Kirsty Young on Have I Got News For You last week (Jesus, she looked fit. Just… didn’t expect it)

Creased:

* Xbox Elite (no WiFi. Big mistake)

* Adrian Chiles (if there’s a more irritating colossal great big sack of dung presenting on TV today then we’d like to hear about him – and then we’ll put him in here, too)

* Organic food (absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that it’s actually better for you and we are sick of everyone implying that there is)

* E4’s Sex in Court… yawn (kinda running out of subjects after the inevitable anal, whipping, anal whipping, fat bird who like whipping her boyfriend, boyfriend who prefers whipping football players, etc. That bald lady on the jury is bloody scary too)

* Pricey bread (when the heck did a decent loaf of bread come in at £1.20?! Have we been asleep or what? Could have sworn there used to be change from 50p)

Topher Grace? What, is that like an anagram or something? Folded: * Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive 2 (takes its cue from The Office, but is undeniably even more relevant and funny today. Eamon Holmes kicking a naked Rob Brydon’s arse? That’s worth checking the repeat schedules for) * Izimi.com (post whatever you like directly from your home PC. Perfect for indie filmmakers) * Ross Kemp on Gangs (astonished to find this programme is actually rather gritty and fascinating. Despite Ross Kemp, or because of Ross Kemp, we’re not sure) * Google Earth (starting to feel like voyeurism. In the best possible way) * Kirsty Young on Have I Got News For You last week (Jesus, she looked fit. Just… didn’t expect it) Creased: * Xbox Elite (no WiFi. Big mistake) * Adrian Chiles (if there’s a more irritating colossal great big sack of dung presenting on TV today then we’d like to hear about him – and then we’ll put him in here, too) * Organic food (absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that it’s actually better for you and we are sick of everyone implying that there is) * E4’s Sex in Court… yawn (kinda running out of subjects after the inevitable anal, whipping, anal whipping, fat bird who like whipping her boyfriend, boyfriend who prefers whipping football players, etc. That bald lady on the jury is bloody scary too) * Pricey bread (when the heck did a decent loaf of bread come in at £1.20?! Have we been asleep or what? Could have sworn there used to be change from 50p)
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CD Review: The Lovers, The Lovers

by Stuart Heritage

Long-time readers of hecklerspray should cast their mind back to almost exactly one year ago when we interviewed Marion Benoist and Fred De Fred from Sheffield/ France group The Lovers, a group so sleazily kitsch that we couldn’t help falling in love with them.

And now, finally, the debut album by The Lovers – handily entitled The Lovers – is about to be released on Monday. We gave The Lovers a spin expecting three quarters of an hour of top-quality sordid French irony, but the big surprise is that in The Lovers, The Lovers have knocked up an astonishingly mature album that manages to be funny, sexy, funky, modern and heartbreaking all at once. Nous approuvons.

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Lindsay Lohan & Calum Best Possibly Have Some Sort Of Fight

by Stuart Heritage

For the slapheaded son of a pissed-up footballer, Calum Best is doing alright for himself – or at least he was before he hooked up with Lindsay Lohan, apparently cheated on her behind her back and got in a huge embarrassing hotel lobby fight with her.

According to reports, Calum Best and Lindsay Lohan – the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of couples made up of a girl from a film about a magical car and a boy whose crowning achievement was being on Celebrity Bleeding Love Island – have apparently had some kind of gigantic fight in a New York hotel thanks to to Calum Best collecting phone numbers from girls who weren’t Lindsay Lohan or something. That’s only one suggested reason for the public bust-up, though – other sources say that the squabble began when Best told Lohan that in his opinion Rene Descartes’ deduction-based system of knowledge ultimately exaggerated the capacity and virtue of reason at the expense of emotional perception, at which point Lindsay Lohan totally lost her shit.

For the slapheaded son of a pissed-up footballer, Calum Best is doing alright for himself - or at least he was before he hooked up with Lindsay Lohan, apparently cheated on her behind her back and got in a huge embarrassing hotel lobby fight with her. According to reports, Calum Best and Lindsay Lohan - the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of couples made up of a girl from a film about a magical car and a boy whose crowning achievement was being on Celebrity Bleeding Love Island - have apparently had some kind of gigantic fight in a New York hotel thanks to to Calum Best collecting phone numbers from girls who weren't Lindsay Lohan or something. That's only one suggested reason for the public bust-up, though - other sources say that the squabble began when Best told Lohan that in his opinion Rene Descartes' deduction-based system of knowledge ultimately exaggerated the capacity and virtue of reason at the expense of emotional perception, at which point Lindsay Lohan totally lost her shit.
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Sandra Bullock’s Perculiarly Bullock-Stalking Stalker Charged

by Stuart Heritage

Most people will only be known for one or two things – maybe for changing the world, maybe even for just being a loving spouse – but poor old Marcia Valentine looks set to be ignominiously remembered as nothing but Sandra Bullock’s stalker.

Imagine that. Imagine being known solely for liking the movie Practical Magic to such an extent that not only did you start stalking Sandra Bullock, but you apparently also started to try and run over her husband several times in your car as well. That’s what faces Sandra Bullock’s stalker Marcia Valentine, since she’s just been charged with the felony counts of stalking, aggravated assault and deciding to obsess over a really inexplicable celebrity when there are any number of other celebrities to obsess over who happen to be younger, prettier, more talented and with less movies on their CVs about exploding cruise ships.

That last one in particular carries an especially heavy sentence.

Most people will only be known for one or two things - maybe for changing the world, maybe even for just being a loving spouse - but poor old Marcia Valentine looks set to be ignominiously remembered as nothing but Sandra Bullock's stalker. Imagine that. Imagine being known solely for liking the movie Practical Magic to such an extent that not only did you start stalking Sandra Bullock, but you apparently also started to try and run over her husband several times in your car as well. That's what faces Sandra Bullock's stalker Marcia Valentine, since she's just been charged with the felony counts of stalking, aggravated assault and deciding to obsess over a really inexplicable celebrity when there are any number of other celebrities to obsess over who happen to be younger, prettier, more talented and with less movies on their CVs about exploding cruise ships. That last one in particular carries an especially heavy sentence.
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R Kelly Is A Boulevard Found In Many US Cities. Or Something.

by Shawn Lindseth

According to a recent one-question single-man poll, R Kelly is the most important person alive today. Not only that, R Kelly is also a far superior specimen than several important men from history. For instance, the first three tracks off his second album could easily beat-up Alexander the Great's super-strong army of ninja squadrons. Also [...]

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Madonna Writes Live Earth Song, Climate Immediately Changes

by Stuart Heritage

You know, we really couldn’t give two hoots about this climate change faff, and that’s how it’ll stay – unless a middle-aged woman in a leotard writes a piss-weak ballad about climate change, of course, because then we’ll reverse our opinions instantly.

Wait, what’s that? A middle aged woman in a leotard has written a piss-weak ballad about climate change, you say? And that middle aged woman is Madonna? And Madonna’s climate change song is called Hey You and it’s being given away as a free download to help promote the Live Earth concerts this summer? Well, that’s us convinced, then – where do we sign up to become eco-warriors? Madonna writing a not very good song for Live Earth has inspired us to turn off all our electronic equipment right away to reduce carbon emissions and help the environment. And if doing this means we’ll also avoid ever hearing Madonna’s genuinely awful Live Earth song again, well, that’s all the better.

You know, we really couldn't give two hoots about this climate change faff, and that's how it'll stay - unless a middle-aged woman in a leotard writes a piss-weak ballad about climate change, of course, because then we'll reverse our opinions instantly. Wait, what's that? A middle aged woman in a leotard has written a piss-weak ballad about climate change, you say? And that middle aged woman is Madonna? And Madonna's climate change song is called Hey You and it's being given away as a free download to help promote the Live Earth concerts this summer? Well, that's us convinced, then - where do we sign up to become eco-warriors? Madonna writing a not very good song for Live Earth has inspired us to turn off all our electronic equipment right away to reduce carbon emissions and help the environment. And if doing this means we'll also avoid ever hearing Madonna's genuinely awful Live Earth song again, well, that's all the better.
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SLACKERJACK – My Sweet 16

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a young girl, My Sweet 16 is going to be the loveliest thing you’ll play all day. On the other hand, if you – like us – aren’t a young girl, strap yourself in for the creepiest bloody rollercoaster ever.

My Sweet 16 is a dressing-up game. Taking the role of a teenage girl, you have to pick an outfit for your school prom. My Sweet 16 lets you choose your skin colour, haircut, clothes, make-up and accessories. Pick the sexiest outfit and you get to see which school hunk it was who invited you to the prom in the first place. When we played My Sweet 16 it was the captain of the football team who – OMG!!!! – was totally dreamy. Enjoy My Sweet 16 all you like, but be warned – the fact you’ve even played it probably gets you put on some kind of pervert’s register.

Play My Sweet 16 now

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