Scalpel Sharon Gives Up Surgery

by Chris Laverty

Upon hearing news that she is due to replace Halloween, Sharon Osborne has decided not have any more cosmetic surgery.

Scary devil mum Sharon Osborne has had more surgery than hot dinners (definitely true if those alleged anorexia rumours are to be believed), but she has finally decided that enough is enough. Her old lady boobs can only get so big and that face of hers can only get so shiny, at some point common sense must prevail; at some point she needs to realise she has become the elusive Blair Witch. And that time is now.

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Big Brother Betting Odds: Anger Management?

by Stuart Heritage

Big Brother 8 is almost upon us – there’s less than 10 days to go until every moment of your waking life is turned over obsessing about a group of people who’d all like nothing more than to get a job hosting a TV at midnight on UKTV Gardens.

And Big Brother means one thing – Big Brother betting odds. The second that Big Brother 8 launches we’re going to be nosediving straight into a never-ending slew of betting odds for actual things that are actually happening on Big Brother, but before then we’re going to let to let you bet on a bunch of stuff that could happen on Big Brother but probably won’t but might if we all close our eyes really tight and wish. Imagine if there really is a horrific bombscare in the Big Brother house this year – you’ll be kicking yourself that you didn’t place a fiver on that at 25/1 when you had the chance yesterday. Just remember that.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for a weekly anger management class, with help from Paddy Power…

Big Brother 8 is almost upon us - there's less than 10 days to go until every moment of your waking life is turned over obsessing about a group of people who'd all like nothing more than to get a job hosting a TV at midnight on UKTV Gardens. And Big Brother means one thing - Big Brother betting odds. The second that Big Brother 8 launches we're going to be nosediving straight into a never-ending slew of betting odds for actual things that are actually happening on Big Brother, but before then we're going to let to let you bet on a bunch of stuff that could happen on Big Brother but probably won't but might if we all close our eyes really tight and wish. Imagine if there really is a horrific bombscare in the Big Brother house this year - you'll be kicking yourself that you didn't place a fiver on that at 25/1 when you had the chance yesterday. Just remember that. Here are the Big Brother betting odds for a weekly anger management class, with help from Paddy Power...
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Jessica Simpson Possibly Dumps Her Girl-Haired Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

Jessica Simpson may be a hulking bright orange man-jawed talent vacuum – but at least she’s a hulking bright orange man-jawed talent vacuum who makes the news when she splits up with people, which is more than any of us can say for you.

It’s been rumoured that Jessica Simpson – former professional idiot and performer of films and songs you couldn’t even consider liking – has apparently split up with her boyfriend, the equally vapid blues-lite musician John Mayer. This earth-shattering split hasn’t been confirmed by either Jessica Simpson or John Mayer yet, but enough sources have reported it for us to assume that it’s probably true. What’s the point of reporting a speculative rumour about Jessica Simpson’s private life, you ask? Well, it’s a quiet news day and it’s either this or we write about Jessica Simpson’s crappy new film. Which would you prefer?

The split? Thought so.

Jessica Simpson may be a hulking bright orange man-jawed talent vacuum - but at least she's a hulking bright orange man-jawed talent vacuum who makes the news when she splits up with people, which is more than any of us can say for you. It's been rumoured that Jessica Simpson - former professional idiot and performer of films and songs you couldn't even consider liking - has apparently split up with her boyfriend, the equally vapid blues-lite musician John Mayer. This earth-shattering split hasn't been confirmed by either Jessica Simpson or John Mayer yet, but enough sources have reported it for us to assume that it's probably true. What's the point of reporting a speculative rumour about Jessica Simpson's private life, you ask? Well, it's a quiet news day and it's either this or we write about Jessica Simpson's crappy new film. Which would you prefer? The split? Thought so.
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Scott Stapp Charged With Being A Dick, More Or Less

by Stuart Heritage

Hip-hop may have the jump on aggressively boorish behaviour for now – but thanks to the exploits of one-man army Scott Stapp, the world of piss-poor Jesusy sub-Pearl Jam post-grunge whiny rock music is playing catch-up as hard as possible.

Scott Stapp’s latest attempt to look like the world’s biggest twat involves domestic abuse. Or at least it involves something along the lines of domestic abuse, but nobody is giving too much away. Yesterday Scott Stapp was arrested and charged with one count of domestic assault with intent to commit a felony, although police are saying that nobody was injured in connection with the charges. It’s just left up to us to try and work out that the hell that means. Well, obviously we know what that means – it means that Scott Stapp is a tit – but we need to work out exactly what kind of tit Scott Stapp is. Any help gratefully received.

Hip-hop may have the jump on aggressively boorish behaviour for now - but thanks to the exploits of one-man army Scott Stapp, the world of piss-poor Jesusy sub-Pearl Jam post-grunge whiny rock music is playing catch-up as hard as possible. Scott Stapp's latest attempt to look like the world's biggest twat involves domestic abuse. Or at least it involves something along the lines of domestic abuse, but nobody is giving too much away. Yesterday Scott Stapp was arrested and charged with one count of domestic assault with intent to commit a felony, although police are saying that nobody was injured in connection with the charges. It's just left up to us to try and work out that the hell that means. Well, obviously we know what that means - it means that Scott Stapp is a tit - but we need to work out exactly what kind of tit Scott Stapp is. Any help gratefully received.
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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Real Video Of A Living Amputated Dog Head

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Strange Facts/Scientific Wonders Sure, we lumped this story under scientific wonders – but we're not sure it's an exact fit. [...]

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Amy Winehouse Gets Married To Some Bloke

by Stuart Heritage

Amy Winehouse must be having the time of her life at the moment; not only does she seem too drunk to actually know where she is half the time, but she also got married in Miami at the weekend – to a man of some sort, don’t you know.

According to reports, Amy Winehouse married the preposterously-named Blake Fielder-Civil in a secret ceremony on Friday after a lightning-speed month-long engagement. Although Amy Winehouse seemed at pains to keep her wedding to Fielder-Civil under wraps, the underlying message behind the marriage is clear to all – number one records and winning awards are one thing, but you’re never really a true star until you’ve managed to somehow snare yourself a Kevin Federline Mini Me of your very own.

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Shrek 3 Somewhat Unsurprisingly Tops Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Three cheers to Shrek 3 for continuing this summer’s mindless trend of pumping out endless useless blockbuster threequels that everyone goes to see even though they know they’re all just artlessly cynical clods of merchandising fodder anyway.

Despite being an obviously transparent shallow retread of the first two Shrek movies, $122 million’s worth of people flooded American cinemas to find out the exact way that Mike Myers was going to fund his next four years of total moviemaking inactivity. Still, although Shrek 3′s $122 million weekend box office total seems impressive, it’s still $30 million shy of Spider-Man 3′s opening weekend tally. More fool Dreamworks, who must be ruing the day that they decided to drop the scene where Kirsten Dunst does the twist and makes an omlette at the same time, since that’s what seems to be so twatting popular at the bloody moment.

And yes, we did just use the term ‘threequel.’ We can only apologise.

Three cheers to Shrek 3 for continuing this summer's mindless trend of pumping out endless useless blockbuster threequels that everyone goes to see even though they know they're all just artlessly cynical clods of merchandising fodder anyway. Despite being an obviously transparent shallow retread of the first two Shrek movies, $122 million's worth of people flooded American cinemas to find out the exact way that Mike Myers was going to fund his next four years of total moviemaking inactivity. Still, although Shrek 3's $122 million weekend box office total seems impressive, it's still $30 million shy of Spider-Man 3's opening weekend tally. More fool Dreamworks, who must be ruing the day that they decided to drop the scene where Kirsten Dunst does the twist and makes an omlette at the same time, since that's what seems to be so twatting popular at the bloody moment. And yes, we did just use the term 'threequel.' We can only apologise.
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Johnny Depp Hasn’t Made Enough Stupid Pirate Films Yet

by Stuart Heritage

This is quite the time of year for badly thought-out third sequels to blockbuster movies – first was Spider-Man 3, then Shrek 3 and, this week, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 – but don’t think that this is the last you’ll see of Johnny Depp’s tiresome funny run.

Although you’d get the impression that Disney would keep thumping out Pirates Of The Caribbean movies until the sun exploded so long as they kept making money, Johnny Depp’s artistic pedigree was one of the factors why most people assumed this wouldn’t happen. But screw all that, because Johnny Depp is now rushing around telling anyone he can that he wants to be Jack Sparrow in as many Pirates Of The Caribbean movies as he can. We couldn’t be more excited at this news, especially since world is desperately short of overlong, needlessly confusing maritime movies that contain extended sequences of Keira Knightley wrongfully believing herself to be the slightest bit amusing.

This is quite the time of year for badly thought-out third sequels to blockbuster movies - first was Spider-Man 3, then Shrek 3 and, this week, Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 - but don't think that this is the last you'll see of Johnny Depp's tiresome funny run. Although you'd get the impression that Disney would keep thumping out Pirates Of The Caribbean movies until the sun exploded so long as they kept making money, Johnny Depp's artistic pedigree was one of the factors why most people assumed this wouldn't happen. But screw all that, because Johnny Depp is now rushing around telling anyone he can that he wants to be Jack Sparrow in as many Pirates Of The Caribbean movies as he can. We couldn't be more excited at this news, especially since world is desperately short of overlong, needlessly confusing maritime movies that contain extended sequences of Keira Knightley wrongfully believing herself to be the slightest bit amusing.
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SLACKERJACK – Tau’ri Bedrock

by Stuart Heritage

And now for the most exciting game you will ever play in your life: Tau’ri Bedrock, where you play a sort of squishy orange blob thing pushing a little rock around some woodland. Yee-ha!

OK, so Tau’ri Bedrock doesn’t especially sound like the biggest load of fun around, but you’re going to have to trust us here – Tau’ri Bedrock is ace. Hoofing yourself underneath the rock to lob it up over a ledge, shimmying along a crushingly narrow tunnel, bouncing over mounds of dirt… all these things sound like a lot of boring nonsense but, really, in the hands of Tau’ri Bedrock they become joy-filled little triumphs. Tau’ri Bedrock is a little cracker of a game, and one that this write-up hasn’t done any justice.

Play Tau’ri Bedrock now

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Watch The Banned Men’s Needs Video By The Cribs

by Stuart Heritage

Probably the easiest way to get a bit of notoriety these days is to make a video that someone ends up banning, since they show that you don’t play by society’s ‘rules’ and that you’re too cool for things like ‘basic decency’ – something that The Cribs have picked up.

The video for Men’s Needs by The Cribs has been outrageously banned by MTV2 before nine o’clock due to some kind of OFCOM complaint. Officially, the video to Men’s Needs by The Cribs was banned because of an incident where a naked woman chops off one man’s arm and another man’s heads, but we’re not so sure – if we were OFCOM we’d have banned the video to Men’s Needs by The Cribs for at least one of the following: a) gratuitous use of huge black squares, b) utilising computer-based effects that would have looked out-of-date two decades ago or c) ripping off The Strokes to an almost illegal degree.

Probably the easiest way to get a bit of notoriety these days is to make a video that someone ends up banning, since they show that you don't play by society's 'rules' and that you're too cool for things like 'basic decency' - something that The Cribs have picked up. The video for Men's Needs by The Cribs has been outrageously banned by MTV2 before nine o'clock due to some kind of OFCOM complaint. Officially, the video to Men's Needs by The Cribs was banned because of an incident where a naked woman chops off one man's arm and another man's heads, but we're not so sure - if we were OFCOM we'd have banned the video to Men's Needs by The Cribs for at least one of the following: a) gratuitous use of huge black squares, b) utilising computer-based effects that would have looked out-of-date two decades ago or c) ripping off The Strokes to an almost illegal degree.
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