Watch An Angry Black Man Nearly Beat Up Screech

by Matthew Laidlow

When Dustin Diamond isn’t making porn films or begging us for money so he can avoid being made homeless, he apparently gets ‘proper’ TV work too.

Well, we say ‘proper’ TV work; it’s more like cameo appearances or rubbish programmes that usually make the people in them look like sad pathetic losers. Exactly what the contestants of this year’s Big Brother will find out when they come out the house and scrape the barrel for any hint of TV work. Screech is currently, or possibly was – we don’t quite know – on Celebrity Fat Bastard Fit Club and made the mistake of mouthing off to his trainer Harvey. No, not the bloke from So Solid Crew. Mouthing off to someone can often lead to dodgy consequences, but when you bad mouth a big pissed off black man, it can get nasty. No punches were thrown, unfortunately, but watching someone get progressively angrier whilst using lots of naughty swear words directed right at someone who had a profound influence on your childhood will at least kill two minutes of your life.

When Dustin Diamond isn’t making porn films or begging us for money so he can avoid being made homeless, he apparently gets 'proper' TV work too. Well, we say 'proper' TV work; it’s more like cameo appearances or rubbish programmes that usually make the people in them look like sad pathetic losers. Exactly what the contestants of this year's Big Brother will find out when they come out the house and scrape the barrel for any hint of TV work. Screech is currently, or possibly was - we don’t quite know - on Celebrity Fat Bastard Fit Club and made the mistake of mouthing off to his trainer Harvey. No, not the bloke from So Solid Crew. Mouthing off to someone can often lead to dodgy consequences, but when you bad mouth a big pissed off black man, it can get nasty. No punches were thrown, unfortunately, but watching someone get progressively angrier whilst using lots of naughty swear words directed right at someone who had a profound influence on your childhood will at least kill two minutes of your life.
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Big Brother Betting Odds: Jade Goody Back From The Dead?

by Stuart Heritage

Big Brother starts next week! Big Brother starts next week! Excited? No, us neither – it just means that as of next week we’ll have to turn our lives over to a band of preening bell-ends for months and months even though we hate ourselves for doing so.

But, hey, at least we know what the new Big Brother house is going to look like – it’ll be kerrr-azy. There’s a bath in the living room! The oven’s in the bedroom! The sink’s slightly further away from where you’d expect it to be! What a hilarious turn of events! These new Big Brother housemates are going to have their minds blown! Or at least they would have if they hadn’t let a wacky student design the house. But of course, no matter what the Big Brother producers do to the house, there’ll always be at least one worse idea, and that’s what we’re looking at today.

Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jade Goody to return, with help from Paddy Power…

More…

Big Brother starts next week! Big Brother starts next week! Excited? No, us neither - it just means that as of next week we'll have to turn our lives over to a band of preening bell-ends for months and months even though we hate ourselves for doing so. But, hey, at least we know what the new Big Brother house is going to look like - it'll be kerrr-azy. There's a bath in the living room! The oven's in the bedroom! The sink's slightly further away from where you'd expect it to be! What a hilarious turn of events! These new Big Brother housemates are going to have their minds blown! Or at least they would have if they hadn't let a wacky student design the house. But of course, no matter what the Big Brother producers do to the house, there'll always be at least one worse idea, and that's what we're looking at today. Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Jade Goody to return, with help from Paddy Power... More...
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Oprah Winfrey’s Dad Writes Book About Someone Or Other

by Stuart Heritage

There are some things that Vernon Winfrey knows more than most about – one is haircuts, another is hacking coal out the ground and the last one is Oprah Winfrey; you’ll be disappointed if you were hoping that Vernon Winfrey wrote a book about coal.

No, Vernon Winfrey has written a book about Oprah Winfrey, a subject that he’s had an unusual amount of access to as her father. Normally you’d expect a book about a megastar written by one of their parents to be a gushing, glowing account of how proud they are, but not in this case – Vernon Winfrey has only just informed Oprah about the book he’s written about her, probably because there’s a very slight possibility that large parts of the book are ambiguously about all the boys that Oprah Winfrey used to sleep with. Or at least the one sentence that anyone’s read of it is. Anyway, long story short, Oprah Winfrey’s a bit annoyed.

There are some things that Vernon Winfrey knows more than most about - one is haircuts, another is hacking coal out the ground and the last one is Oprah Winfrey; you'll be disappointed if you were hoping that Vernon Winfrey wrote a book about coal. No, Vernon Winfrey has written a book about Oprah Winfrey, a subject that he's had an unusual amount of access to as her father. Normally you'd expect a book about a megastar written by one of their parents to be a gushing, glowing account of how proud they are, but not in this case - Vernon Winfrey has only just informed Oprah about the book he's written about her, probably because there's a very slight possibility that large parts of the book are ambiguously about all the boys that Oprah Winfrey used to sleep with. Or at least the one sentence that anyone's read of it is. Anyway, long story short, Oprah Winfrey's a bit annoyed.
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Phil Spector Murder Trial: Now Mostly About Fingernails

by Stuart Heritage

Thank goodness for Henry Lee – if he hadn’t apparently pocketed a piece of evidence from Phil Spector’s house, there’s a chance that the Phil Spector murder trial would now be about actual murder instead of the really important subject: fingernails.

After hearing the testimonies of two witnesses, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has ruled that ubiquitous forensics celebrity Henry Lee did withhold a piece of fingernail-based evidence that he took from Phil Spector’s mansion in the aftermath of Lana Clarkson’s death. Although his punishment will not be large, this ruling may affect the future career of Henry Lee – who also worked on OJ Simpson’s trial – because now celebrities will be bound to look for a different forensics expert the next time one of them goes crazy, violently murders a woman and wants it covered up. Or, alternatively, when one of them doesn’t go crazy or murder anyone but is put on trial as a suspect for murder although they’re eventually found to be innocent because they clearly didn’t do it.

Thank goodness for Henry Lee - if he hadn't apparently pocketed a piece of evidence from Phil Spector's house, there's a chance that the Phil Spector murder trial would now be about actual murder instead of the really important subject: fingernails. After hearing the testimonies of two witnesses, Judge Larry Paul Fidler has ruled that ubiquitous forensics celebrity Henry Lee did withhold a piece of fingernail-based evidence that he took from Phil Spector's mansion in the aftermath of Lana Clarkson's death. Although his punishment will not be large, this ruling may affect the future career of Henry Lee - who also worked on OJ Simpson's trial - because now celebrities will be bound to look for a different forensics expert the next time one of them goes crazy, violently murders a woman and wants it covered up. Or, alternatively, when one of them doesn't go crazy or murder anyone but is put on trial as a suspect for murder although they're eventually found to be innocent because they clearly didn't do it.
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Rosie O’Donnell Vs Some Other Woman In TV Screechfest

by Stuart Heritage

We’re starting to get the impression that if you left Rosie O’Donnell in a room with a nothing but a pile of dust, 20 minutes later Rosie O’Donnell would be bellowing abuse at the dust and rolling around the floor trying to crush all the dust in her fist.

Obviously it’d help if the dust was quite as staggeringly objectionable as Elizabeth Hasselbeck, though – because then Rosie O’Donnell and the Elizabeth Hasselbeck dust would end up having the same sort of deafeningly embarrassing 10-minute screeching argument as Rosie O’Donnell and the real Elizabeth Hasselbeck had on The View yesterday. We think the argument was about the war in Iraq, although it ended up being the kind of babbling, directionless, full-volume, split screen squabble that you normally only hear on the last train home. Needless to say, though, fans of seeing overbearing lesbians and fundamentalist right-wing bubbleheads furiously howling at each other with no clear winner on a daytime TV show – with only the magic word ‘Alicia Silverstone’ being used to momentarily sedate them – should totally check out the video of The View feud on the next page.

We're starting to get the impression that if you left Rosie O'Donnell in a room with a nothing but a pile of dust, 20 minutes later Rosie O'Donnell would be bellowing abuse at the dust and rolling around the floor trying to crush all the dust in her fist. Obviously it'd help if the dust was quite as staggeringly objectionable as Elizabeth Hasselbeck, though - because then Rosie O'Donnell and the Elizabeth Hasselbeck dust would end up having the same sort of deafeningly embarrassing 10-minute screeching argument as Rosie O'Donnell and the real Elizabeth Hasselbeck had on The View yesterday. We think the argument was about the war in Iraq, although it ended up being the kind of babbling, directionless, full-volume, split screen squabble that you normally only hear on the last train home. Needless to say, though, fans of seeing overbearing lesbians and fundamentalist right-wing bubbleheads furiously howling at each other with no clear winner on a daytime TV show - with only the magic word 'Alicia Silverstone' being used to momentarily sedate them - should totally check out the video of The View feud on the next page.
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Nelson Mandela Tries To Strong-Arm A Spice Girls Reunion

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray was stuck down a sewer once. Whilst there, all we could think about was how awesome it would be if we didn't have a direct line of sight right up that really old Asian man's toilet. Sure, at first it was funny, but that stuff stains. When you're in a predicament like that though, [...]

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Angelina Jolie To Bugger Off For A Year

by Stuart Heritage

Being Angelina Jolie is hard work – frowning concernedly at everything 24/7 is an almost superhuman task, after all – and that’s why Angelina Jolie needs to take an entire year off from work, or whatever it is you call what she does from day to day.

According to reports, Angelina Jolie is planning to take most of 2008 off. However, it’s unclear if Angelina Jolie just meant that she’d take a year off from making marginally disappointing movies or whether she’d actually stop being Angelina Jolie: Humanitarian Allstar for a year too. Hopefully it’s the latter, because if we’d devoted ourselves to the cause of humanitarianism as intensely as Angelina Jolie has over the last couple of years, there’s nothing we’d like to do more than some time off to kick over third-world hospitals and hurl some landmines at orphans. And Angelina Jolie must feel the same way. Probably.

Being Angelina Jolie is hard work - frowning concernedly at everything 24/7 is an almost superhuman task, after all - and that's why Angelina Jolie needs to take an entire year off from work, or whatever it is you call what she does from day to day. According to reports, Angelina Jolie is planning to take most of 2008 off. However, it's unclear if Angelina Jolie just meant that she'd take a year off from making marginally disappointing movies or whether she'd actually stop being Angelina Jolie: Humanitarian Allstar for a year too. Hopefully it's the latter, because if we'd devoted ourselves to the cause of humanitarianism as intensely as Angelina Jolie has over the last couple of years, there's nothing we'd like to do more than some time off to kick over third-world hospitals and hurl some landmines at orphans. And Angelina Jolie must feel the same way. Probably.
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SLACKERJACK – Funny Land

by Stuart Heritage

Despite having the rubbishest name for any game in all of history, there’s a chance you’re about to get so addicted to Funny Land that you won’t even mind that the inane in-game music has reduced your brain to a puddle.

Funny Land is a simple enough game to play: with your rat/ball/man thing that represents you on screen, you have to dart about the gaming area with your spacebar held down trying to block off portions of it with the goal of blocking off a certain percentage of each level. Try and do this without letting the black cockroachy things hit you or the red trail you leave behind, since you’ll lose a life. Funny Land is the perfect mixture of hand-eye coordination, risk assessment, speed and daring. And stupid names. And annoying music. Despite all that lot, though, we love it quite a lot.

Play Funny Land now

Despite having the rubbishest name for any game in all of history, there's a chance you're about to get so addicted to Funny Land that you won't even mind that the inane in-game music has reduced your brain to a puddle. Funny Land is a simple enough game to play: with your rat/ball/man thing that represents you on screen, you have to dart about the gaming area with your spacebar held down trying to block off portions of it with the goal of blocking off a certain percentage of each level. Try and do this without letting the black cockroachy things hit you or the red trail you leave behind, since you'll lose a life. Funny Land is the perfect mixture of hand-eye coordination, risk assessment, speed and daring. And stupid names. And annoying music. Despite all that lot, though, we love it quite a lot. Play Funny Land now
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EastEnders Ditches Depressing Baby Kidnap Plot

by Stuart Heritage

EastEnders is all about miserable pikeys doing constantly depressing things, and that has stood the show in good stead for the past couple of decades – but now, thanks to a plot about a kidnapped baby, EastEnders might have out-depressed itself.

This summer, the main plot of EastEnders was going to deal with one shrieking pikey having her baby kidnapped, possibly by a posh woman who’s a sort of proxy pikey. However, thanks to the ongoing disappearance of Madeleine McCann, EastEnders bosses have got cold feet and ditched the storyline because parallels with real life events would upset viewers. And, just to be absolutely sure that there aren’t any similarities between EastEnders and the Madeleine McCann saga, plan B is to have the Dawn Swann character give birth to a fully-grown Ottoman Grand Vizier from the 15th century riding a lightning-eyed unicorn who quickly becomes employed at Ian Beale’s chip shop with disastrous consequences. Unless that happens in real life too, in which case EastEnders will be pretty much shagged.

EastEnders is all about miserable pikeys doing constantly depressing things, and that has stood the show in good stead for the past couple of decades - but now, thanks to a plot about a kidnapped baby, EastEnders might have out-depressed itself. This summer, the main plot of EastEnders was going to deal with one shrieking pikey having her baby kidnapped, possibly by a posh woman who's a sort of proxy pikey. However, thanks to the ongoing disappearance of Madeleine McCann, EastEnders bosses have got cold feet and ditched the storyline because parallels with real life events would upset viewers. And, just to be absolutely sure that there aren't any similarities between EastEnders and the Madeleine McCann saga, plan B is to have the Dawn Swann character give birth to a fully-grown Ottoman Grand Vizier from the 15th century riding a lightning-eyed unicorn who quickly becomes employed at Ian Beale's chip shop with disastrous consequences. Unless that happens in real life too, in which case EastEnders will be pretty much shagged.
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Keith Urban The Hilarious Alcoholic

by Chris Laverty

Most people still don’t know who the heck Keith Urban is let along care if he once had a drinking problem. Won’t stop us writing about him though.

Keith Urban is not Karl Urban. Karl Urban is an actor. He is soon to be starring in a new action movie called Run directed by Die Hard’s John McTiernan. He is not related to any other famous Urban and, as far as we are blissfully aware, does not sing. Which immediately puts us in mind of Keith Urban, the singer. Confused? No, of course not. You just don’t care.

Once upon a time, Keith Urban regularly ingested more booze than Oliver Reed at Christmas. He was a big ole’ nasty drunk and often vomited on his own shoes. Now he is married to Nicole Kidman and only needs to vomit when she removes her make-up. Though with her wicked sense of humour, he is assured of some fun nights in their twilight years: Nicole hiding his inhaler, Nicole loosening the screws on the banister – we’ll tell you what we mean…

Most people still don’t know who the heck Keith Urban is let along care if he once had a drinking problem. Won’t stop us writing about him though. Keith Urban is not Karl Urban. Karl Urban is an actor. He is soon to be starring in a new action movie called Run directed by Die Hard’s John McTiernan. He is not related to any other famous Urban and, as far as we are blissfully aware, does not sing. Which immediately puts us in mind of Keith Urban, the singer. Confused? No, of course not. You just don’t care. Once upon a time, Keith Urban regularly ingested more booze than Oliver Reed at Christmas. He was a big ole’ nasty drunk and often vomited on his own shoes. Now he is married to Nicole Kidman and only needs to vomit when she removes her make-up. Though with her wicked sense of humour, he is assured of some fun nights in their twilight years: Nicole hiding his inhaler, Nicole loosening the screws on the banister – we’ll tell you what we mean…
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