Ozzy Osbourne has been doing his impression of lovable granddad with a lobotomy for a while now. He does jokes and skits on chat shows, then falls over in public yelling “Sharon!” The Devil’s own Norman Wisdom, if you will.

Ozzy's funnies usually involve the cacophony of drugs and booze he has ingested over the years. We laugh along while the toxins continue to rip through his system, making him jibber and shake and stuff. Quite possibly the only thing 'funnier' would be if he set fire to himself on a pedalo, again while shouting “Sharon!”, accompanied by the theme from Captain Pugwash.

What has Ozzy said about his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic? That he thought it had a bar. What a crazy shaky old git Ozzy Osbourne is.

Thing is, he could have stopped there. We’re all laughing, Ozzy’s doing his thing cackling about a rehab experience that first occurred in the late 1920’s, the planets have aligned, everything is good in the world. Then Ozzy’s verbal diarrhoea kicks in again:

“I phoned them and said: 'I'm coming in.' The woman asked me: 'What drugs are you doing right now?' I told her: 'Booze and coke’. She said: 'I want you to keep doing them until you get here.' So I go: 'This is going to be a great place!”

Imagine all that spoken with the grace of Sylvester Stallone drunk, stoned and in the middle of a stroke and you have all the aural accompaniment you will ever need.

It is not that poor old Ozzy isn’t funny. He is funny, every time he walks out in public dressed as though he’s presenting The Crystal Maze he’s funny. It’s just that he’s said all we need to hear. Falling over in a comedy fashion (legs give out, shakes off a cliff while calling out “Sharon!”, walks through a church window – all good) or toppling off children’s bikes is really all he has left.

By the way we didn't really soil ourselves. Though with the toilets round here you would hardly blame us.

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Ozzy: 'I thought Betty Ford Clinic would have bar' – Evening Echo