Grossly Overweight David Beckham Has to Use Body Double In New Commercial

david-beckhamA gratuitous new commercial for H&M features nearly a full 100 seconds of the glorious David Beckham running around in just his panties. 

Unfortunately, however, instead of focusing on the marvelously snug fit and obvious quality of the underwear being advertised, some fuckfaces are criticizing David for not doing every milli-second of his own stunts.

The issue is that Becky told the Associated Press how much he enjoyed “getting to do all the stunts” and that had “fun playing an action hero for the day.” Good enough. But then some assholes noticed that some of his tattoos didn’t quite match up in a few spots during the commercial.

Again, this is obvious because he is only wearing little tighties throughout 97 of the 100 seconds of the commercial … but imagine whoever sat and slo-mo’d again and again, meticulously analyzing and measuring the size and placement of each and every one of David’s tattoos.

Directed by Guy Ritchie, the commercial begins with dear, persecuted David in a bathrobe and slippers, paternally sending off a Land Rover full of perfect, tow-headed kids. (I suppose we’re supposed to assume the car is being driven by Victoria, but given the apparent lack of veracity in this shoot, we now know it could be anyone … Scary, Sporty, Julia Roberts, who knows?) As the car pulls away … whoopsie! … David’s bathrobe gets stuck in the door and it’s yanked right off of him! Revealing his clingy underthings!

Ever-sensible, David does what any man would do in such circumstances and runs after the car without a moment’s thought. He’s that spontaneous, ladies! He leaps over a fence, dashes through a tennis court … channeling Ferris Bueller with sex appeal multiplied by ten million … then he dives right into some stranger’s pool and does a lovely crawl. (For the record, the commercial had me until the pool segment … it definitely broke his momentum and he should have just run around it … I can only suspend disbelief for so long.) Sadly despite his best effort, David never does catch the car.

After a bit of sad public speculation, a rep for H&M confirmed that a body double was used, and David himself acknowledged it indirectly on his H&M Twitter chat yesterday.

“yes I did pretty much all my own stunts, was good fun //Beckham.”

It’s obvious, therefore, that David has let himself go. He probably has a big beer-bloated spare tire and is so ashamed that he had no choice but to use a body double. When you can see his face, it’s probably grafted onto someone else’s body.

Let’s all pull our heads out of our asses for a quick minute. Someone … H&M, Guy Ritchie, it doesn’t really matter … decided to use a body double for certain, brief bits and who cares? It doesn’t change the absolute fact that David Beckham is pure sex on legs.