The Oscars, while ostensibly about giving little statues to humourless men, were only really about one thing.
That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Last night’s Oscars marked the first time that Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie had come within punching distance of one another for years.
They didn’t fight, but at least the Oscars producers tried their hardest. As Jennifer Aniston walked on stage, they instantly cut to a close-up of Angelina Jolie’s face. Then they told her that Jennifer thinks her Mum’s a slag before chanting the word ‘scrap’ until Hugh Jackman got excited and passed out. We heard.
Forget all the hoo-ha about Slumdog Millionaire and Sean Penn and Hugh Jackman, because there was only one way to watch the Oscars popular this year – a full-on, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, vaguely-lesbian catfight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet.
And it could have happened, too – as we’ve already reported, last night’s Oscars saw Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie forced together in a way not seen since we read some disturbingly specialist fan fiction about them the other week.
Would Jennifer Aniston still be so filled with bitterness about her divorce from Brad Pitt that she’d fling herself at Angelina Jolie on the Oscars red carpet and start punching away? Would Angelina Jolie respond by turning her arm into a Terminator-style metal spike and pushing it through Jennifer Aniston’s skull? Literally about 12 people on the internet were breathless with anticipation.
However, while the long-awaited physical fight between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie didn’t transpire at the Oscars, that didn’t stop the producers from doing their best to give the people what they want. Last night, Jennifer got to introduce a segment with Jack Black and – as Oscars segment-introduction tradition dictates – Jennifer Aniston was nervous, stilted, awkward and unfunny for the duration of it.
So what one thing could compound Jennifer Aniston’s fear even further during her time on stage? That’s right, multiple close-ups of Angelina Jolie’s great big face. Fox News reports:
Oscar telecast producers panned to Brad and Angelina not once, but twice, as a visibly nervous Aniston did her schtick. In the first pan to Brangelina, Jolie was gamely guffawing as Aniston, whom Pitt left in 2005 in order to be with Jolie, hammed it up. In the second pan, the couple looked on with the bemused half-grins we’ve come to know from literally thousands of paparazzi pics over the past three years.
Depending on who you are, Angelina Jolie’s cutaway reactions to Jennifer Aniston will mean completely different things. Team Jolie will praise Angelina for smiling at Jennifer with grace and dignity, while team Aniston will think that Angelina was laughing at Jennifer’s discomfort like some sort of awful witch.
The truth? Nobody knows. What we do know, though, is that if producers really wanted to turn the Oscars into an episode of Jerry Springer, then they really needed to put a little triangle in the corner of the screen reading ‘Hey bitch, I stole your husband and we both think you’re an asshole’ while a podgy redneck whoops and takes his shirt off. And they didn’t even invite Tim Allen to the show as far as we know. A trick missed, Oscars, a trick missed.
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!
Julian Mentat says
So this is a bunch of people who make a living pretending to be other people. I’m bored already. Then, they have an annual award ceremony, which is pretty meaningless given how their careers depend on scripts and and other things they cannot control.
Why do we care?
Joke Police says
Julian – it’s because Hecklerspray writes about it and then we laugh at all the deluded comments. If you don’t care about celebrity guff any more, there’s plenty of serious, worthy, real-world stuff out there…
pumpui says
I love Jennifer.She looks younger than Angelina!
Fellnere says
Jenn moved on long long ago. It is brangelina who want some bermuda triangle to continue.
Real Jennifer fans never talk of Jen at the same time as Angelina
I’m sure Brange enjoy blaming any hate towards them thrown at Aniston fans saying they can’t move on. Because they dont’ want to answer questions about how they lied when they said Z may have had AIDS.
It is a known fact that all kids put up for international adoption must have AIDS tests and Jolie knew her daughter was sick with something intestinal, not AIDS.
What did she and Brad do – they took Zahara to the south of France instead of to a doctor.
Angelina waited until the child was de-hydrated and sicker before taking her to a hospital in New York. She then gave some bogus story of how she thought she may have AIDs.
Truth is – if any agency put a child up for adoption with out doing the AIDS tests, they would be put out of business and investigated by the government, yet Angie seemed to get away without any questions.
Hmmmm. wonder who she is banging at the UN
Julian Mentat says
JP, you are completely failing to get the point of what I said. Because I don’t have a point.
Sara says
This whole thing was so stupid! What did they expect a shouting match!? Both ladies have moved on and while Aniston did look out of her element Jolie and Pitt looked as though it was no big deal. IT seems the only people wanting this big bang up is the press. Let it go now and let these people get on with their lives.
Way to go Brad and Angeling and Jennifer!
kim says
Yup! I agree! Old news now!
Jenfraud says
Front row next to Brad, pushed to the back row next to the Douchebag who was constantly checking the monitor to see if he was on the camera LOL!!! Aniston DOWNGRADE PARADED in front of the entire world. Her presenting reflected a bitter comedienne who can make money but never honored in a prestigious event. Jack Black can be funny self-deprecating but Aniston came off genuinely bitter and cynical. Truth hurts, huh, JenJen? All the while Brad and Angie being acknowledged and honored by the cr
Jenfraud says
Oh and Huvane/Aniston’s aggressive plan to place her head-to-head with Jolie-Pitt completely backfired. They on the front seat, she with the fake BF on the back row. Miss Sitcom Actress, you are all on your own now. There ain’t PITY for you no more. Try standing up with your own feet without capitalizing on Jolie-Pitt for change. Good luck, as you know your imaginary ‘career’ is over, now hat PITY is officially over, right? Or what’s next–a ‘all tell book’ before everyone forgets about your ‘plight’?
kim says
Oh my..I’m not here to be cruel but why do people constantly want a fight to go on with these people. Jennifer looked out of place last night but who wouoldn’t. Brad and Angelina looked great and smiled at the whole thing. I think people sure want to make a bigger issue out of this. It’s time to quit comparing them both and let them all just go on with their lives! They all look like they are much happier. They have gotten over it why hasn’t everyone else?!
Candyce says
I’m definitely ‘Team Jolie’, but that’s only because I’ve been an avid Angelina Jolia fan since “Hackers.” However, I’ll readily admit to being tired of the media keeping this traingle ‘He said-She said- WHAT!?’ drama alive.
This article though? This equals the funniest and most accurate account of media’s obsession with the three.
[I’ll also admit that I’m tired of JenAn milking that ‘Woe is me, my husband left me for a goddess’ line as well]
Al says
Why does Aniston keep putting herself in these situations? When she agreed to present for part of the oscars, she must have known that it would be seen as a continuation of her feud with brangelina. She is either clueless, or a shameless no talent attention whore.
ewyer gross says
whoever said anniston “came off genuinely bitter and cynical. Truth hurts, huh, JenJen?”
ew…don’t you have anything better to do than be so creepily worked up about this? first, she didn’t look bitter, just nervous, which is understandable, and frankly, just made me like her a little better. how nervewracking this whole thing must have been but especially for anniston. who was nominated for best actress, right….how that works out to an ‘imaginary’ career i dunno….you musta missed that little fact with all those multiheaded hate missiles firing out of your brain …
maybe you’re some kind of pr shill or lord have mercy, even angelina herself. i personally am just an amazed person who came across this article…and wow.. whatever the case, wherever your nastiness comes from, better be careful it doesn’t eat you alive from the inside out.
Beth says
Jenfraud, you’re Princeless!!!!
t says
this meaness is really unfortunate. Jenfraud, you really are abig fraud.
a deluded, worthless human being with no sense of human compassion.
doubt you have ever loved or been loved.
lets not talk of being humiliated so publicly.
as they say, what goes around comes around….lets see how long the brangelina farce lasts.
she knew the one thing brad wanted was a child…she had ‘sworn’ never to have biological children but was quick to open up and help out in his case.
brad enjoys a huge goodwill in hollywood and she knows this is rubbing off positively for her.
jen is lovable and loved and always has been with or withot brad.
lets let sleeping dogs lie.
bi says
brad has made his bed. he is lying in it.
is it too much to ask that aniston be allowed to have some peace in her life too?
so she’s a loser and not a part of the hollywood league?
you are a funny lot. i hope you’ll try and always get ur facts right before talking.
this is a woman whos been voted as the most influential in hollywood for how many years running?
and jolie? lucky gal! started getting some positive ratings after hooking pitt.
she knows the union is good for her.
not surprising she will always be having babies to keep the guy.
it’d have been over by now considering her legendary temper and tantrums.
i hope it last for the sake of those kids and i sure hope aniston finds peace. lol
ganovane says
You’re a humorless man if you really believe that’s what this years Oscar’s were about.
Artistic Bioloby says
Angelina Joli is certainly much younger and fertile than Jen.
Too bad whatever done to face or skin, can’t stop biological clock.
Sorry for Jen defeated by the physically younger more attractive Joli. Life is cruel sometimes as we age!