As we all know, the Oscars isn't about winning awards at all – in fact, we've already forgotten who hosted the Oscars, what movie won the Best Picture Oscar and what an Oscar actually looks like – because the Oscars is all about lovely dresses and stuff.

Oscar night is the one spot on the movie-making calender when actresses can swap the dirty rags that they wear for the rest of the year while playing impoverished drug addict victims of domestic violence for a selection of glamorous dresses with plunging necklines, figure-hugging cuts and other stuff we've read in girly magazines that we don't fully understand. For the Oscars, actresses can make themselves look a million dollars, fashion designers can earn themselves a million dollars and the majority of rational people at home would pay a million dollars to watch something that isn't about the fucking Oscars just for a single blissful second.

But who wore what at this year's Oscars? We're no strangers to sartorial elegance here at hecklerspray, so we've compiled the world's most definitive Oscar night fashion rundown for you, right after the jump…

First up, Penelope Cruz turned heads on the red carpet last night by showing up in a dress.

Reese Witherspoon made sure that nobody forgot who won the Best Actress Oscar last year by attending the awards wearing a dress.

Nicole Kidman struck a gorgeous pose on the way into the Kodak Theatre by wearing a dress with a thing on the shoulder.

Gwyneth Paltrow reminded the world that she isn't just that whiny woman married to one of Coldplay by wowing the Oscar night crowd in a dress.

Kate Winslet made up for the inevitable distress of being beaten to an Oscar by Helen Mirren by wearing a dress and holding a handbag.

Jodie Foster took time out from making films about mothers looking after their children in unusual situations by wearing a dress.

Finally, Cameron Diaz held the paparazzi in her gaze by turning up for the Oscars wearing a faithful reproduction of the outfit worn by Sviatoslav I of Kiev – the warrior prince son of Igor Of Kiev and Olga who waged incessant campaigns throughout Eastern Europe in the tenth century against the Volga Bulgars – upon his destruction of the Khazar city of Sarkel in 965 AD. Not really, she wore a dress.

If the vivid picture we painted in your mind with our words didn't give you the full picture of what everyone wore on Oscar night, Sky has a natty Oscars photo gallery for you to look at. But we'd be deeply surprised if you felt the need to do that.