OSCARS 2005: ROCK & A HARD PLACE – AMERICA IS OFFICIALLY INSANE

What do you think the latest thing those crazy Yanks are worried about? Impending environmental disaster? A recession? Worldwide burger shortage? Nope, they’re panicking that Chris Rock might not be the right host for their 77th Academy Awards show after all.

Organisers are suitably concerned that Chris Rock will liberally spinkle the ‘f-word’ (‘fruit’, ‘frangipani’, ‘falkirk’) across the live airwaves. This has got to rank as pretty nonsensical, even for the Americans.

"Hollywood seems intent on spreading vulgarity far and wide” balked the CWA. The who? The Concerned Women of America organisation, that’s who. Motherfucker.

Why the furore? Did nobody see Kathy Bates naked in About Schmidt? The film industry is driven by fucking and heading for hell, but when you throw live TV into the shitmix the conservatives rise up and start making bad noise. Naughty words corrupt minds, apparently.

And how does Chris Rock retort (and bear in mind that he has the full backing of Oscar ceremony producer Gil Cates)? “I’ve been on TV and been funny not cursing”. Obviously a funny guy, judging by that slice of spice. Knock ‘em dead with your dry wit, buddy.

So, the 77th Academy Awards takes place on Sunday 27th February. Make a note in your diaries. UK film fanatics should consider taking Monday off work.

The Oscars are always worth watching, not least for the possibility that some midget terrorist might decide to stowaway inside one of those giant Oscar statuettes and blow the place up.

Should a crack team of miniature wrong-spined pygmies do such a thing it would of course be an unholy and very terrible shame, what with movie stars being so loved and all.

Viva the red carpet.