Unrequited love can make a man do terrible things, like turn to drink or sanction a series of mass terrorist acts against the west; just ask Osama bin Laden – he's deeply in love with Whitney Houston.
A Sudanese writer – who claims she was Osama bin Laden's personal sex slave a decade ago – says that Osama wouldn't ever shut up about how much he wanted to marry Whitney Houston and then kill her husband Bobby Brown. Although it sounds like a typical case of making your enemies less scary by turning them into figures of fun, perhaps this Whitney Houston information might assist the search for Osama bin Laden – all troops need to do now is to go to the Tora Bora caves and follow the sound of My Name Is Not Susan accompanied by wistful Arab sobbing.
You can't help feeling a little bit sorry for Whitney Houston at the moment, can you? Over the last year it's been reported that Whitney Houston has finally faced up to her debilitating crack addiction – an addiction which apparently saw her constantly swatting imaginary demons away with her hands and locking herself in her bedroom so that she can play with her sex toys – by going through a long, tortuous rehab process and, just as Whitney Houston starts to show signs of improvement, it's revealed that Osama bin Laden has got the hots for her. If we were in Whitney Houston's shoes, we'd be straight back into the bedroom with the buttplugs and crackpipes quicker than you can shriek "Death To America."
Kola Boof is a Sudanese poet and novelist who has just written her autobiography. That's hardly interesting until you realise that Kola Boof was also Osama bin Laden's personal sex slave in 1996, and that she apparently heard first-hand about how much Osama bin Laden wanted to marry Whitney Houston. Excerpts of Boof's book Diary Of A Lost Girl were published in Harper's magazine, and they actually couldn't be any more perfect:
"He told me that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He said that he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of some day spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar. He said he wanted to give Whitney Houston a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum. He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives… [Osama spoke of] how beautiful she [Houston] is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband – Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed."
Odd story, this, isn't it? We'd always had Osama bin Laden down as more of a Jennifer Rush fan. But put yourself in Whitney Houston's place; how would you react to the news that the biggest single threat to global peace in our times wanted to have sex with you so much that he was prepared to murder your husband? Well, since her husband is the man who messed up a New Edition comeback by getting his nipples out and dancing around like your creepy uncle, perhaps not as badly as you'd imagine.
However, any notion of a budding Osama bin Laden/ Whitney Houston romance is nothing more than hopeful dreamytalk. Ask yourself this; would Osama bin Laden be prepared to pull lumps of dried up constipated shit out of Whitney Houston's arse with his bare fingers? Doubtful, and that's why Bobby Brown has nothing to worry about.
Still, at least we know who's still buying all those lazily repackaged Whitney Houston Greatest Hits CDs now.
[story by Stuart Heritage]