Orlando Brown: Another Tween Star’s Gone A Bit Mental

You might think that being a tween star is great - with truckloads of money and unlimited fizzy pop - but you’re wrong.

Just look at how the tween scene is imploding at the moment. Teen stars are taking naked photos of themselves, writing about on top of men and getting pregnant. But this crazy behaviour isn’t just confined to Hudgens, Cyrus and Spears - it’s even getting to tween stars who’ve never heard of.

Like That’s So Raven star Orlando Brown, who recently went missing to the great consternation of his family and publicist. Anyway, Orlando Brown has turned up safely now. Does he have an explanation about where he went? No, but he does have a massive long statement about how entertainers get disrespected all the time. Welcome aboard, Orlando, we think you’ve just made yourself a hecklerspray regular.

To become a success in the tween market, you don’t just need to be a talented performer with a non-threateningly attractive face, you need to be pure and wholesome as well.

Oh, we’re just kidding. You only need to pretend to be pure and wholesome onscreen, but when the cameras aren’t rolling you’re allowed to take photos of your naked body and get pregnant by boys you met at church and roll around on men’s laps in your knickers. Which is fine if you’re a girl, but it’s really difficult to get pregnant if you’re a boy, so what can boys do instead?

Easy - they can have a bit of a meltdown and go missing. That’s what That’s So Raven star Orlando Brown did recently, and it seems to have worked out for him. On Tuesday morning, Orlando Brown vanished without any explanation. The situation was so serious that Orlando’s publicist even went to the unusual measure of declaring him missing to the media.

Then, just as suddenly as he disappeared, Orlando Brown re-emerged yesterday armed only with a long statement that doesn’t make sense. It seems that young Orlando went missing because he doesn’t think performers get the respect they deserve for bravely slugging away on TV shows for sometimes as little as a million dollars a year. The Associated Press reports

“It was wrong for me not to inform my manager … about my whereabouts, especially when I am usually so routine and big on communication, but I felt a little lost and needed to get away,” Brown said… Brown went on to say he was upset at “how we as entertainers are so disrespected at times” after an incident at a nightclub where he had expected to open for the headlining act. “I felt that that was my chance to prove that I was talented and I was really excited,” Brown said. “When I was told that I couldn’t perform… that really hurt. … It got a bit overwhelming and I needed to be alone.”

We can only imagine the torment that Orlando Brown went through. Really, the working people of the world should really gang together and start up a telethon for these poor, occasionally slightly disrespected, entertainers. Because they only entertain to please us, you know - not for the 15 cars and massive mansion and constant string of willing girls.

But anyway, just as Vanessa Hudgens’ naked photo scandal made her name, and Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy finally made her something other than Britney Spears‘ sister, perhaps there’s a similar silver lining for Orlando Brown as well. After all, we know who he is now.

He’s the crazy boy who ran away for a really shit reason. Pleased to meet you.

Read more:

`Raven’ star Orlando Brown re-emerges after going missing - AP