No one really likes Orlando Bloom anymore do they? He hasn't done a movie that anyone has seen since the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie (and that was, lets face it, rubbish).
He should really have given up after his momentous career high that was the excellent tripartite role of? ?Extra/Noel Harrison/Patient? in Casualty, spanning from 94-96. That or his role as a rentboy in Wilde should have stood as the everlasting monument to his wooden talent.
Fortunately, his stint as the worlds wimpiest action hero has come to a shuddering halt recently, and it turns out he left with nothing else other than indulging in some avant-garde theatrics, all of which involve his pregnant wife?s womb.
Sorry, that headline was a bit misleading, sorry Bloom fans. Sorry for you being so stupid that is. Zing!
Don't take offence, the one remaining Orlando Bloom fan – It's a role that he's well suited for after all.? The audience can't see the inhuman lack of emotion in his face, and the amniotic sac probably drowns out the majority of his words and the tone of his voice.
It must be like watching Elizabethtown when you're drunk and half asleep, or high on some wonderful drug and wrapped in pillows (not that we?d endorse anything like that of course, Elizabethtown is donkey balls of the highest order, it's a more sensible use of your time to leg it into traffic wearing nothing but tipp-ex, while praying for the dark lord to eat your soul. It's awful – that’s the point being made here).
Anyhoo, if you want the details, DigitalSpy will cough, look around nervously and whisper to you:
Miranda Kerr has revealed that she is enjoying the experience of pregnancy. The 27-year-old Australian supermodel, who is married to Pirates of the Caribbean actor Orlando Bloom, is expected to give birth to their first child early next year. According to Woman’s Day magazine, Kerr wrote on her blog: “My pregnancy is going really well and it is an incredibly moving time where we get to spend time just chatting to our little one. It’s so beautiful.” Kerr recently said that she is considering having a bronze mould made of her baby bump so that she can “always have that memory”.
Okay, so it turns out we’ve overblown a simple family story of a man speaking to his unborn child whilst perving at his supermodel wife?s ladybits. That is fantastically boring and normal, as we?d expect from Mr Bloom.
But hang on!
She wants a bronze mould of her grotesquely extended belly that she can bring out on birthdays and important feast days to play like some kind of weird Caribbean steal drum? Its clear the world's media is focussing on the wrong half of this marriage.
She's clearly batshit crazy.
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anon says
The only batshit crazy person is the person (you) that wrote this piece of shit! Where do you get your info from……Mr. Bloom has done several movies since POTC. Let’s see, there’s “Main Street” “Sympathy for Delicious” “New York, I Love You” “The Good Doctor” and the upcoming “The Three Musketeers”. Where is your head? In your toilet bowl? Wake up and quit bashing Orlando! He has a large fan base and you just made them mad by writing such shit!!!! Wake up and do a little research before you (so called journalist) write shit like this.
lea says
You are no doubt fat and ugly with nothing better to do than hate on people better than you are. Get a proper job you pathetic hack loser. Have a nice day.
Co says
You have no fans while the beautiful Orlando has millions. Jealous much? You seem to be obsessed with him considering the numerous posts. You suck, you wretched, , useless douch!
CoCo says
How dare you harsh Orlando you dirty little freak. Jealous much? Your obsession with the beautiful one is clear by your numerous posts. You are the worst kind of hater. YOu are the worst kind of loser, one with a bogus website. May you be eaten by the Kraken and crapped out again. Douchbag, asswipe loser!
Willimina says
HAHAHA! Love this, seems like everyone is seeing this relationship for what it is, even his miserableness, love it!! MORE MORE MORE! -Ignore the stupid fans who think mentioning probably straight to dvd film roles are as good as what he used to be doing, deluded cunts!
PS- She is batshit crazy ;)
ExpertsAgree says
Orlando Bloom’s not that bad, Kingdom of Heaven is actually good with the Director’s Cut and his episode on Extras was brilliant.
However, you are right about one thing — Miranduh is batshit Kerrazy.
laya says
I’m so sorry for you :( you should ashamed of yourself, STUPID JEALOUS!
when you ‘re not real critic & are exactly blind & you can’t write truth, so, do not write something that people laugh at you cause of your ignorance. befor writing something,know & search for it completely ,think,then write. RIDICULOUS JEALOUS. I’m really sorry for you:(
Tasha says
I guess it is difficult to look at two someones who seem to have it all, and not grit your teeth and snarl, if only a little.
bloombie says
“her grotesquely extended belly”
that’s no way to speak of a pregnancy.
Did your mother have a “grotesquely extended belly” when she was carrying you?
Orlando Bloom does not deserve this. He is a brilliant actor, plays his roles well, and when he isn’t filming, he’s contributing to charity. He just received the Bambi Award for charity.
He has been doing movies after POTC. Haven’t you watched New York, I Love You?
It was a beautiful movie, and Orlando and Christina Ricci’s part was the best.
He has also worked on and Sympathy for Delicious, The Good Doctor and Main Street.
Currently he is working on The Three Musketeers and he will play the role of the Duke of Buckingham. He is exploring various roles, he is an inspiration and by no means an unworthy actor.
That is a very rude article you have, and I feel very sorry for you and your mother.
Ekofriendly4 says
you sound really jealous. Orlando’s quite a good actor if you are emotionally deep. Haven and Kingdom of Heaven were done absolutely brilliantly. You clearly don’t know either of them. Listen to them talk when interviewed or listen to people who know them personally and maybe something might get through your thick head.
Tom J says
Holy shit, a full 9 people like Orlando Bloom! Who knew? Someone should let him know, he’s going to be well chuffed.
Cassie says
I think this post is spot-on, I love Heckler Spray!!!
Thal says
I think the rabid fangirls are missing the point. Yes, he’s made movies. But they were BAD movies. If “Sympathy for Delicious”, or “Main Street” or “The Good Doctor” were any good, they’d have distribution. Clearly, they aren’t, because they don’t. Probably his best role was Paris in “Troy”, because any student of the classics knows that Paris was a pretty-boy wimp, and that’s exactly how Orlando portrayed him.
I think Orlando used to be beautiful. Alas, his looks seem to be falling as quickly as his perceived talent. I hope he and his lovely but dim partner are happy with the life they’ve made.
Meg says
Very rude — but still funny! I have to agree with you (in certain spots). I happen to like Orlando but acknowledge that he’s not without his flaws. IMHO he’s not a very good actor, but he does seem like a pretty nice guy. And personally I’ve always liked men who aren’t afraid to show their ‘sensitive side.’ He and his wife make an attractive couple who will probably produce equally good-looking offspring.
claire says
I think maybe people don’t get Orlando’s acting style especially Americans. It is very British, actors here are taught to be natural and simplistic. American method acting is more in your face. Cleary the writer of this blog is a moron who knows nothing about acting.
claire says
Willimina i am guessing you are a transexual male with that name. Full of hatred and envy aren’t we. Orli’s fans are not stupid or deluded, you are. And by the way, miserableness is not a word. Maybe you should have paid more attention at school.
Carrie says
To each his own. I think he is a beautiful person inside and out and his acting at times is great, at others not so great like a lot of actors. As far as those movies not being distributed you can blame that partly on the economy. It is hard to get indies distributed these days. That is a a simple fact that anyone should know. If you are going by box office receipts then anyone would be crazy to not cast Bloom. Even if he was in ensemble cast pictures he was still in some biggies! Most of the attention surrounding 3 Musketeers had to do with him. And judging from the amount of people clamoring to get his autograph at his recent appearances in Germany I’d say he has a lot more than 1 fan .