In a year’s time Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network, shortly followed by her own planet.

And then her own army of humanity-destroying clone robots. But until then let’s concentrate on Oprah Winfrey’s network. Nobody knows what the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain – other than non-stop footage of Oprah complaining about her weight – but the hiring of Christina Norman as CEO takes us one step closer.

You see, Christina Norman used to be the president of MTV. And, from that, we can safely assume that the Oprah Winfrey Network will contain no music videos whatsoever.

As normally-functioning human beings, it’s probably safe to assume that you often find yourself frustrated at the lack of media outlets featuring Oprah Winfrey. Because, aside from the TV show, the magazine, the radio station, the books and the movies she’s producing, there really isn’t anything there for you.

But relax! Early next year Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network. A year ago it was announced that Oprah Winfrey was taking over the Discovery Health channel – home to much-loved shows such as Plastic Surgery: Before And After and the bellydance-fixated Shimmy – and rebranding it as the Oprah Winfrey Network or OWN, which we presume is the closest she could get to OBEY without having to change her name.

However, the question of what would actually fill the Oprah Winfrey Network was a mystery up until now. Because now, as the LA Times reports, Oprah has hired Christina Norman from MTV as her CEO:

Norman spent 17 years with Viacom Inc.’s MTV cable empire before stepping down last year as MTV president. Before that, she ran its sister channel, VH-1. Norman initially discussed the CEO position with the owners last spring, “but the timing wasn’t right,” she said in an interview. Then last Friday, she accepted the job. “It’s an incredible opportunity and a great time to be starting a new network when so much is changing.”

So, MTV, huh? That means, using our unstoppable logic, that the Oprah Winfrey Network is going to be exactly like MTV. And to prove our point, we’ve half-inched Oprah’s development slate for the channel. These are the shows we’ve discovered…

The Phils – An exciting reality TV show about the trials and tribulations of Dr Phil and his pack of upwardly mobile friends. Will Dr Phil ever forgive his bitchy best friend for trash-talking him at a recent party? Will Dr Phil finally bite the bullet and kiss Spencer Pratt on the lips with tongues? Watch and find out!

My Super Sweet 16 Stone – An aspirational documentary following planning an execution of a lavish party that Oprah Winfrey throws to celebrate the fact that she only weighs 16 stone instead of the usual 20. This will be a weekly show because of Oprah’s constant, dramatic weight fluctuation.

Fibs - Oprah Winfrey takes us on a tour of her lavish home – and in every room, chained to the wall, is a different person that has lied to her in the past. Look, there’s James Frey! Look, there’s that Holocaust guy! Oprah doesn’t even feed them! Fun!

Ah, that’s enough for now. We don’t want to spoil too many surprises.

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