What's it take to run a country?
Is it a matter of smooth talking and political know-how? Is it a popularity contest? Is it a matter of imposing one's own literary will onto women all across the country? Is it a matter of definitely not being gay with your best friend or of Dr. Phil probably being your running mate? Is it a matter of hecklerspray frequently rummaging through your garbage for un-shredded credit card information, delicious chicken scraps, or beautiful pictures of Steadman to put in our wallet?
If that's what you're looking for, then Oprah Winfrey is the candidate for you. Or so thinks some guy anyway. He even wrote a book about it – and Oprah's having none of it. She's pissed enough to have jump-started legal action against him.
Oh well. Ricki Lake in '08.
Celebrities catching political fever isn't new. Sonny Bono had it – he was a Mayor of Palm Springs and was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. Arnold Schwarzenegger has it, he's currently an intern or something. Oprah Winfrey has it… oh wait, no she doesn't. She doesn't have it at all. Please don't sue us your grace.
Patrick Crowe, on the other hand, Oprah should sue the absolute turd out of. He, after all, has had the gall to write a book entitled: Oprah for President: Run Oprah Run. And he made a website with her name in it. And a phone number with her name in it. And he made a mural of her using only skin from the back of his 34-year-old retarded neighbour (Disclaimer – There is no mural, and we're told his neighbour is quite smart).
The book, phone number, and name-pirating website are all true though, and Oprah's ravenous lawyers aren't happy about it. They take Oprah's image very seriously, and don't want it so freely used. It would cause Oprah's company "damage and irreparable injury" they said. They've ordered Crowe to stop using all his Oprah-name-including media outlets, and are thinking a little about putting a horse-head in his bed – we heard anyway. Crowe's confused about the matter. He put it this way:
"I'm genuinely puzzled. If Oprah asked you to run for president, would that be a compliment or would you threaten her with legal action? How could asking her to run possibly cause her damage and irreparable injury?"
Well given Oprah's current reluctance towards public service, hecklerspray would like to officially end its "Ordain Oprah To A Ministry" campaign. Even though we've been in talks with several airport-churches, we're really pulling the plug. To prove just how serious we are, and to further distance ourselves from another multi-million dollar lawsuit (Yeah, thanks for that Todd Bridges), we'd like to say we truly hope Oprah never receives anybodies' priesthood, and can we please get back our pamphlets.
Seriously, we got Montel on the hook.
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[story by Shawn Lindseth]
jo says
well i thing she should run for presedent she will be a great leader for our
contry but i hting she should try and change the dates of her shows because i
dont get to watch cartoon freely!! comme on bicth do somthing
ann says
I THANK OPRAH WOULD MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT FOR THE USA. SHE IS VERY SMART LADY IN THE WHITHOUSE?? I WISH HER THE BEST
Eddie Grosman says
I think Oprah has shown that she is very capable through overcoming huge obstacles in her life. Her show has
been successful because she knows the meaning of how to relate to people. I wish her all the best and I would
definitely support her. We need female energy in the White House in order to gain the respect of the world and the nation.
Women are better at conflict resolution than men. Men act with anger and aggression on their mind. Oprah would
be very qualified to confer with professionals and make prudent decisions that would be best for our country.